Life (Not) at the Frankenstein Place
by Cececat
Summary: The diary of Columbia (a groupie). After a few months living at the strange castle, Columbia decides to keep a diary in the hope that she will at least remember what day of the week it is. This weird guy, named Eddie, that Frank brings home one day only makes things crazier... especially when she runs away with Eddie. (Please Read & Review!) NOW COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Hopefully the format of this story isn't too strange. It's supposed to take place about six months to a year before the movie. The lack of exact dates symbolizes how much the castle's weirdness messes with Columbia's mind.**

 **If I get enough reviewers and/or readers, it might even go all the way to when the movie takes place.**

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Sunday, ?/?/1974

Dear diary,

I'm not sure of the exact date. And I only know it's Sunday because Magenta and Frank both said so when questioned at different times. Since I keep loosing track of this stuff, thanks to the castle's weirdness, I've decided to keep a diary.

Next thing you know, I'll forget my own name...

Wow, that's ridiculously dramatic.

Anyway, I'm going to write about my daily life in this diary. Hopefully I'll actually remember to write in it. Something about this place makes you forget sanity.

So... time to write about today.

Earlier, I painted my nails this glittery red color. To my annoyance, they've already begun chipping.

Am I seriously writing something that shallow?!

Whatever. Around here, meaning in the castle, everything is shallow. It seems like my only purpose here is to look pretty and 'have fun'. The definition of 'have fun' varies between 'screw Frankie when he feels like it', 'screw Magenta when you're both bored', and 'tap dance at parties'. What sort of life is that? Earlier, I asked Magenta that exact question.

Her reply?

"It's a life you should be grateful for. You're lucky to have a roof over your head, if those stories you tell are true."

Of course, she's right. It's better than being a 'proper' groupie. I know everyone who lives here, for one thing. And I've a stable source got food to eat, a bed to sleep in. Not to mention a few other luxuries (like running water) that I never had. Plus, they own the castle. That means nobody has to worry about rent or anything.

Maybe it's not so bad.

Oh dear. I've got to stop writing now. Magenta apparently can't sleep with the sound of my pencil scratching at the paper. Yeah, she just threw a pillow at me...

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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Monday, ?/?/1974

Dear diary,

I might as well describe today. It was perfectly normal by castle standards. Therefore it will be the right way to explain life here.

At about 6 AM, Magenta's alarm clock went off. Twenty minutes later, I fell back asleep. Since she's an actual servant she gets up hours before everyone else. Usually, I 'naturally' wake up around 9:30. Today I did, at least.

Then I got dressed in one of my everyday outfits. That meant a fitted, grey, lacy camisole; a glittery silver vest; a pink jacket with pink-and-white striped lining; a short, black skirt trimmed with sequins; glittery fishnet stockings held up by garters; and my usual tap shoes.

Once I'd applied my usual makeup, I went downstairs for breakfast. Breakfast happened to be chocolate chip pancakes. Magenta is a great cook, you know. And she's managed to learn how to prepare 'earthing foodstuff' after only a few months of knowing me.

"The Master wants to see you this evening," she told me.

"Okay..."

"After dinner, of course. The only reason I'm mentioning it now is because I need to tell you before it slipped my mind," she explained.

She'd probably be punished terribly if she forfeits to say something and he found out. That was something I really wanted to avoid. Despite her strange ways, I liked Magenta. And, even before we really got along, I still wouldn't want her to get hurt.

Once I'd finished eating breakfast, she kissed me passionately. The feeling of her wonderfully soft lips on mine and the sensation of her warm body pinning me against the the wall made my mind go blank for a moment. Sadly, that moment ended far to soon.

She walked away as if nothing had happened. People from the planet of Transsexual, Transylvania apparently thought of intimate contact as something shared between friends. Such a kiss was hardly more intense than a hug might be to an earthling.

Since I'm technically an ordinary earthling it meant far too much to me. Oh well.

After that, I went back to my room to find an outfit for tomorrow. I always had to pick out clothes the day before since it took so long.

Then it was time to 'rehearse'.

When I say that, I don't mean practice tap dancing. No, it's quite different. I like to see how many times I can improvise an 'intentional wardrobe malfunction' at parties- without anyone realizing it's intentional. By now I'm practically an expert at it. Yeah, I know that's weird. It's a game of sorts, you see. A very fun game...

I usually practice in front of my mirror until lunchtime.

When lunchtime came around, I went to the kitchen. After eating smoked salmon on toast I went to the ballroom. Now I would practice tap dancing.

So, for the rest of the afternoon, I practiced various routines. It's more fun than it sounds, you know.

Then it was time for dinner. Frank invited over a 'business partner' from his home planet and we are in the dining room. This 'business parter' apparently knew quite a bit about some sort of science thing Frank was suspiciously interested in.

To avoid falling out of favor with Frank, I didn't speak during the entire meal. I sure was glad when the 'business partner' left (though not before giving Frank a folder full of papers).

After dinner I went straight to Frankie's room, just as Magenta had told me to earlier today.

I spent quite a while in his bed. For some of that time I practically felt like he actually cared for me, nearly loved me. But then, once I'm sent back to my own room, I realize I'm just a groupie with only a decade or so of 'prettiness' left. God, I half wish I could have a picture age in my place. Just like Dorian Gray, the main character of a book I read when I was still that innocent kid years and years ago.

But it's best not to think about the old days. Now I've got to focus on my current life.

Of course, things don't always go exactly like today. But daily life doesn't vary that much from that.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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Tuesday, ?/?/1974

Dear diary,

Today was interesting, to say the least. But not at first.

I spent most of the morning chatting with Magenta. Pretty normal.

"You know, I think they're up to something," she told me.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I think the Master and my brother are up to something," she replied, giving me a Look.

To my annoyance, I still didn't get it. "Like what?"

"Earlier I heard them talking. Something about packing. I have a feeling that they are going somewhere."

"Such as..."

"I'm not sure."

The conversation ended there, as Riff entered the room in search of his sister. Silently, he walked over to where she stood and put his arm around her waist.

"Should I leave you guys, er, alone?" I asked.

Magenta nodded gratefully. "Please do."

So, I left the room. I headed for the kitchen. It was about lunch time anyway. And when we haven't got guests over we eat meals there. That's why the dining room is always so messy, I suppose.

To my surprise I didn't see Frank anywhere. Usually he's in the kitchen for lunch at precisely 12:40. Today he somehow wasn't.

Later, I asked Mag.

"He's going away for a while," she told me.

I didn't really have the energy to ask how long 'a while' actually was.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: Thank you, reviewers!**

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Friday ?/?/1974

Dear diary,

So, nothing worth noting had happened since Tuesday... until today.

Frankie is home!

Just the fact that he's back puts me in a great mood. Strange as it is, I often feel like life is pointless without him. I devote far too much thought to him, I suppose. When he's away I worry a lot. I'll also do stupid things, like almost overdose in the Zen Room.

I think it's because he rescued me. If he hadn't picked me up in his pick-up truck, I would still be half-starved. Of course, he wasn't really nice at first. But after he began, for brief amounts of time, acting like he cared about me I couldn't help but fall in love with him. I love him too much.

It actually scares me sometimes. I get really worried when he truly ignored me.

To my horror, he ignored me when I greeted him at the door today.

Apparently he met a guy on the trip. I was a bit worried when I first found this out. Then I actually met the guy at dinner this evening. He's chubby, clumsy, not very smart... yet really sweet! Plus, he's not a threat. He's not going to get in the way of my relationship with Frankie. For some reason, as a project, Frank has decided to turn this rather low-class kid into a sophisticated young man.

His name is Edward Davis Scott, by the way. But we call him 'Eddie'.

After dinner, Frank went to the lab to go over a folder of science notes he'd retrieved on the trip he'd gone on. Eddie and I were left alone in the dining room.

"So…" I said. "Where did you meet Frank?"

"He ordered a pizza for dinner one time, but forgot all about that when he saw me. Apparently he decided to teach me to be some sort o' upper class out of pure boredom. I only agreed to run away with him 'cause my uncle was getting a bit to involved in my social life," he explained.

"Right."

We chatted aimlessly for a while. From what I could tell, he didn't really know much about Frank. Though he seemed to like him. Looks wise, at least.

Eddie is cute… in a pathetic way. Like a puppy with a broken leg whose stuck at a dreadful animal shelter where it might die of blood poisoning. Actually, he's nothing like that. I don't know where I got such a morbid idea.

Hanging out with a vampirish alien girl is making me a bit weird.

Speaking of Magenta, I went straight to our room after talking to Eddie. Since it was kind of late at that point we didn't even talk to each other. I just wrote this diary entry.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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Saturday ?/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Today was pretty boring. Yeah, Frankie _is_ back at home. But we haven't really seen much of each other. He's been busy in the lab, researching some project. Magenta claims that her brother does more work than 'ze master'. For some reason I can't help but believe her when it comes to that.

Whatever.

So nothing really happened all day. I spent most of it chatting with Magenta.

Like many Saturdays, Mag and I spent the evening watching a film. This time it was _2001: A Space Odyssey._ That film is so… I don't even know. It makes your brain hurt. The space-baby-whatever at the end… my God I don't even know what that movie is meant to be about. There's this computer who goes crazy called HAL 9000… and he wouldn't let anything get in the way of his mission.

My brain hurts!

Clever old Magenta finds the film amusing.

"It's not zat confusing. You humans are so silly!" she told me.

"Then what's the meaning of it?" I asked.

"Something involving… something…" Mags replied vaguely.

At this, I giggled. "You don't know!"

She rolled her eyes. "That's the sort of picture that's not meant to be understood."

Once the movie had ended we played a board game called 'Clue'. Of course, that wasn't very fun. We only have about earthling three board games.

After that, I wrote this.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **A/N: Though I haven't seen it in a while, I remember that _2001: A Space Odyssey_ is very, very, very, very weird. It's from 1968 and famous for being a film hippies would go to whilst stoned. I don't know why I thought Magenta and Columbia would like to watch it, though...**

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Sunday ?/March/1974

Dear Diary,

Today I figured out what month it is! It's March! Of course, I'm still not sure about the date.

But it's still awesome to know what month it currently is.

God, hardly a year ago I would've never said that. But I try not to think about the outside world too much. When I do, I always become ridiculously sad. That annoys _everyone_ \- including my roommate, who I'm closest with. It's best not to annoy the only person here who's always nice to me.

Whatever.

I should probably explain how I figured out that it's March. Well, it was all because of Eddie. We ate lunch together today. Magenta ate with us too, of course. But she hasn't warmed up to Eddie yet, so she won't really speak when he's around. As far as I know she's like that with everyone. It took a while for her to be comfortable talking to me, when Frankie first brought me home. I wonder how long ago that was.

Anyway… on with the story!

So, at lunch, I decided to ask Eddie about the outside world. That was a bit of a challenge, since I didn't want to give anything away. I was pretty sure he doesn't know about the aliens yet. But then, just as I was about to speak, he asked a question.

"Are you an alien, too?"

That really surprised me. How did he know that they were aliens? Frankie didn't tell me until weeks after I got here. At least, I think it was weeks.

"No. I'm a normal earthling… like you," I explained, after a moment.

"Hm."

We sat in odd silence for a while. It was then that Riff came looking for his sister. She left the room with him. Now, Eddie and I were alone.

"How long have you been here?" he asked.

"I'm not sure. It's really annoying," I replied unhappily.

"Do you remember what month you met Frank?"

I thought about this for a moment. "It was late summer or early autumn. Probably September. I'm not really sure. Everything before the castle seems like a partially forgotten dream. Pretend…"

"Right now it's March. If ya did end up here in September, that's seven months livin' in this place," he said thoughtfully.

Only few seconds later, Mags returned to the room. Frankie wanted to 'see me'. An hour after that, I went back to my room.

There I read a random book for a few hours. Magenta has a bookshelf with all different earthling books on it. Most of them are weird. The one I began to read was about this painter who painted a picture of this guy he was clearly in love with. It wasn't very interesting, and I only read about a chapter.

After that was dinner. Frank went on and on about some science project he's working on. Nobody else got a chance to talk. It was so boring I zoned out for most of it.

Ah! Magenta is complaining about the 'pencil scratching noise'. I'd better stop writing...

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I (still) don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Hopefully this isn't boring _or_ out of character. Columbia is my favorite character, and I want to do her justice. **

**As always... thank you, reviewers!**

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Monday March/?/1974

Dear diary,

Today was pretty normal.

Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to pick out an outfit yesterday. So I got up about an hour before usual (which isn't fun). The outfit I ended up wearing consisted of a glittery t-shirt I'd bought in New York City ages ago; a dark grey vest; black and grey pinstripe shorts; sheer black stockings; and my usual rhinestone-adorned tap shoes.

Once the day's fashion was sorted out, I went downstairs in search of breakfast. Today that meant scrambled eggs and toast. Magenta must be mad at me. Or maybe she just doesn't understand that few foods are more unpleasant than room temperature scrambled eggs.

Of course, rather than attempting to make my own breakfast, I _did_ end up eating it. Being a terrible cook isn't a good thing.

I found Magenta dusting the Library's many shelves. That's the room where nearly all the books here are kept. It's the sort of place you wouldn't expect to find in a castle like this. No, more the sort of thing you might see in an old fashioned mansion.

The Library is strangely beautiful. Unlike a 'real' library, silence isn't enforced or even suggested by anyone. Yet you still get the feeling that you aren't supposed to talk too loudly. You feel like it might annoy the books, strange as that sounds.

"I zink zat new boy likes you," Magenta said, as I entered the room.

That sure got my attention. "Really?"

"Yes," she replied vaguely.

"How do you know?" I asked, desperate to find out more.

She shrugged. "I just do."

That's the last she'd say on the subject. I wondered briefly if she was up to something sinister. Then she suddenly changed the topic of conversation, which distracted me.

"Have you read any good books lately?" Magenta asked.

My eyes widened in surprise. " _What_? Since when do you ask about books?"

She raised an eyebrow. "I can read, you know. You've seen that shelf in my room."

"Yeah…"

"The point is that I think you'll be able to stay sane longer if you read something. A good book can metaphorically take you away from your own troubles, some people say."

Her random advice made me suspect that maybe she had some mad plot in mind. She was _definitely_ up to something.

I ate lunch with Eddie. Today we spoke about random, trivial things.

"Do you ever go to the pictures?" I asked him.

"Yeah. Though my uncle stop letting me live with him- said I was old enough to survive on my own- I used to go to the pictures all the time. Last film I saw was this thing called _2001: A Space Odyssey_. Still don't know what it was about…."

I chuckled. "Magenta and I watched that nonsense last Saturday. I still don't get it!"

"I think it's a- whatzitcalled? Thingy that symbolizes stuff. Whatever it symbolizes is too confusing for me, though."

"It confused me, too," I replied, smiling slightly.

After lunch I went and practiced my tap dance routine. I kept wondering when the next party would be.

For some reason I only danced for half the time I'd planned to today. I guess I'm tired or something. My mind kept wandering and I couldn't focus on my feet. Silly, isn't it? To my annoyance, I keep thinking about two certain people.

Frank is physically attractive and has an air of mystery to him. The fact that he's sometimes heartless and spiteful only makes his more interesting.

It's like that guy in that one strange book we read in sophomore year (that's the last year I attended high school). _Wuthering Heights_ it's called. This character called Heathcliff isn't nice at all… yet, according to my English teacher, he's got a million fangirls. That's not _exactly_ like Frank, of course. But when I really think about it, I'm nothing more than something to entertain him. I try not to think about it.

Eddie, on the other hand… he's actually nice. He's adorable and perfectly ordinary. Something about him is just so cute. The fact that he's a bit fat isn't really important. You see, it's his personality that matters. Ha! It's been years since I cared about personality. The bands I traveled with were made up of attractive guys. And they were nearly all _total_ _bastards_. Seems like I've finally found the boyfriend I've always wanted.

Of course, I'm supposed to be Frank's devoted groupie. I'm not allowed to 'get involved' with his other 'playthings'. If I do, I might get kicked out. That means no stable source of food, no guarantee of a safe place to sleep… none of the other luxuries I have here at the castle.

Yeah, my pathetic new crush on Eddie made dinner awkward. Especially when Frankie started flirting with both of us at nearly the same time.

Something about Frank is hypnotizing. When he looks at me a certain way or says a certain thing I can't help but forget how he's hurt me.

It scares me.

After dinner, I went to my room. Magenta was there, painting her nails. That reminds me… my red nail polish is chipping. I'll fix it tomorrow. Right now I want to read more of that book with the painter character. It's a good distraction from real life.

So I'd better stop writing now.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **A/N: Though originally released in 1968, _2001: A Space Odyssey_ was re-released in January 1974. That movie is just so weird that I thought it fit with the " _everything is so strange I can't keep track of my sanity"_ theme of this fanfiction.**

 **Yes, I seriously look up when movies are from just to keep my fanfics historically accurate.**

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ Ha! I've written that so many times that I might as well be allowed to own it. **

**A/N: Hopefully this isn't too angsty. Though the first part is intentionally a bit silly, since Columbia is going a bit crazy.**

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Monday, March/?/1974 ( _Almost Midnight_ )

Dear Diary,

I'm questioning my desire to stay at the castle. Again.

It's because Frank summoned me to his room at about 11:30. The last few days he's been sort of avoiding me. Now, the world is back to normal.

Yet I'm not sure if that's actually a good thing.

In some ways he's like the drugs I once took to bleach all the pain from my mind. It didn't work, of course. The false happiness only lasts a little while. Then I'm depressed, which is worse. When I sleep with Frankie I tell myself that he actually loves me. I make up stupid stories about us being in a proper relationship. Once he's sent me back to my room, however, I can't keep believing that. It all makes me feel a bit sick.

Stupid as it sounds, I want to run away with Eddie. A guy I've only known for a day or two. We'll go somewhere in England or whatever. But that sort of thing only works in stories.

I'll probably say something to him tomorrow. That's half the reason I'm writing this entry, I think. So I can remember what silly things I want to say to Eddie _and_ Magenta.

Speaking of my crazy, vampire wannabe of a roommate… she left the room while I was asleep earlier. I bet she's gone to visit her 'darling brother' Riff Raff. Where else would she go in the middle of the night?

Ha! I envy Mags. That lucky girl has a lover who actually loves her. Like Eddie might one day… _if_ Magenta was right and he really does love me.

I can't help but wonder… am I actually in love with Frank? Or is it just some weird psychological disorder that's induced by drugs or whatever? Or some alien drug that makes me be some sort of deranged fangirl?

Oh dear. I'm too tired to think of a proper answer.

Ye Gods, it's late! I should go to sleep now.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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Tuesday, March/?/1974

Today I didn't see Eddie at all. Just after breakfast, Magenta explained that he's now a project Frank is working on.

"Remember how, when he first got here, there was talk of The Master trying to turn that boy into a proper gentleman?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Well, today they've begun lessons of some kind."

For a moment we stood there in silence. We were in the library currently. This week is apparently when Mags dusts the entire library.

"Why does he want to turn Eddie into some sort of civilized gentleman?" I asked.

Mags shrugged. "I think its because he misses the royal court he had at home. And it'll give him something to do while _my brother_ figures out all the details for the science project."

"What science project?"

"The secret science project of which I mustn't speak," she replied vaguely.

At that, I rolled my eyes. "You don't know what it is."

She gave me a Look and then didn't speak to me for the rest of the morning.

After our conversation in the library I went to my room to find tomorrow's outfit. It involved these fingerless fishnet gloves I found on the floor earlier. Speaking of things on the floor…

Magenta probably wants me to clean up my half of the room. I won't until she actually tells me to, though.

Once I'd found an outfit, I rehearsed my 'intentional wardrobe malfunctions'. If I were ever in a picture show or stage performance I'd probably try to see how much I could get past censors. Not that I'll actually ever be in such a show.

I ate lunch with only Magenta.

"You've got to stop obsessing over guys, Columbia," she told me.

"I'm not."

She sighed. "You _are_.

"For the last three years or so I've relied on guys to survive. After I ran away I would've starved if I hadn't met that band," I replied unhappily.

"You've got to stop relying on them for everything, though. It's silly. If you actually make an effort to be independent you'd be better off."

I hated that she was right. God, I feel like something out of a stupid 19th century novel. In those days girls had pretty much no rights. Since most of the world thinks I'm dead (and I have no IDs of any kind), I'm practically no better off.

How dreary.

Thankfully, I managed to keep my mind mostly on what my feet were doing during my tap dance practicing in the ballroom. I kept thinking about both Eddie and Frank.

Maybe Magenta is right about not relying on them. But I'm kind of kept prisoner here…

Dinner was awkward. Everyone was there. We just listened dully as Frank droned on and on about whatever it was.

After dinner I went to my room. Then, I repainted my nails. And now, of course, I'm writing this diary entry.

Oh, by the way, I just read that entry I wrote around midnight last night. It sure was melodramatic. _Ridiculously_ melodramatic. I suppose everything seems like that in the middle of the night.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Sorry if it's getting boring.** **I'm trying write this as a 'realistic' diary. That's also why Columbia is a somewhat unreliable narrator at times.**

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Wednesday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Today went well enough. For breakfast I had waffles, which is nicer than scrambled eggs.

Annoyingly, Magenta was out running errands for most of the morning.

So, instead of gossiping with her, I read more of that book I found on her bookshelf. It's not about that painter, as I originally believed. No, the main character seems to be some sort of blond-haired 'pretty boy'. I don't really like blond guys, though that's only because one of the least nice people I ever knew in the outside world happened to be blond. His name was 'Jonathan' and I had the misfortune of being in the same History class as him. That would've been in the first year of high school… I think.

Not that such things matter.

Funny, isn't it? I'll sometimes remember something from before the castle. Names, faces, places… random stuff. Yet when I try to remember I can't.

Best not to think about that.

I finally saw Eddie again, at lunchtime.

Frank, being the capricious person he is, apparently gave up on trying to teach Eddie to be like one of people of his royal court on Transsexual, Transylvania. The idea was rather silly in the first place.

Now Eddie is of the same 'status' as I. You see, the castle has its own hierarchy of sorts: Riff Raff and Magenta are the lowest (to their disdain); 'playthings' like me have a bit more authority (though not much); and Frank is in charge of everyone. Earlier, Eddie was basically as 'important' as the servants.

It's quite silly.

Anyway, I got to eat lunch with just him. Magenta was out shopping still at that point.

"So…" I said, as we sat there.

"Hmm?"

I tried to think of something to say. Finally, I thought of it. "Tell me about your family. You mentioned an uncle…?"

A dark look appeared on his face. "Yeah. That's all I've got left. Mam died a year ago."

Something told me it would be a bad idea to say any more on the subject. So we sat there in awkward silence for a while. Then, Eddie spoke up.

"Does your family know where you are?" he asked.

"They think I'm dead. I 'went missing' three years ago. If I hadn't become a groupie to this random band, I _would_ be dead."

And that's where the highly uncomfortable conversation ended.

I didn't practice tap dancing today because Magenta got back from wherever she'd gone _just_ at the wrong time. When I was on my way to the ballroom I ran into her in the hallway. She was carrying a bunch of shopping bags.

"So, where were you?" I asked.

"Shopping," she replied vaguely.

"Shopping for...?"

She shrugged. "Foodstuffs. And some other small things. I got some new stockings for you. Hopefully you won't keep tearing holes in them."

Then, she handed me one of the bags. There were the fishnet stockings I'd asked for a few days ago.

"Thanks, Mags!"

Her green eyes narrowed. "My name is Magenta. Don't call me 'Mags'."

"Can I call you 'Maggie'?"

"No."

"Can I call you 'sweetsy-heart'?"

"No! That's not funny, Columbia."

I chuckled. "Aw, lighten up!"

Then she gave me a Look that clearly said 'shut up or I'll feed you to the dogs'. So, I adopted an expression of melancholy. That made her a bit less annoyed.

I then followed Magenta to the kitchen. There she began to put various groceries away.

"So... what did you do today?" she asked.

"What I usually do. I was planning to do my daily tap dance rehearsal right now, actually."

"Hmm."

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Mags spoke again.

"What do you want for dinner? Since you're here, I might as well ask."

"Er, what are the options?" I asked.

She held up two pages from the Recipe Binder (that's basically just a bunch of pages violently torn out of various cookbooks then stuffed into a binder). Unfortunately, I couldn't read the small print from where I stood.

"The choices are 'pasta with fancy tomato sauce' or 'chicken with fancy sauce and pasta'," she explained.

"Er... the second one. Why do they all involve pasta?"

"I bought lots of pasta today, since it lasts very well. It's clever that they put it in boxes and it only takes boiling water to cook it! One of the few Earth inventions I'll admit is useful."

I giggled. "You're really starting to become an earthling, Magenta."

She scowled.

Soon enough, it was actually time for dinner.

We all ate in the dining room. Ever since Eddie showed up we've been doing that. Though Mags and Riff don't sit with us at the table when actual guests are over, they often do when they aren't.

And so, all four of us suffered through one of Frank's awful monologues. I'm pretty sure he's just telling as about his day. It's all rather silly. I zoned out after only a few minutes.

But I suddenly began to pay attention again when I heard my name.

"Columbia, I'd like to see you after dinner," Frank said, winking at me.

For some reason, when he says some of the stuff he says it seems to make sense. When he's actually _speaking_ you can t help but go along with it. Then, once you are away from him, you can't believe how gullible you were. It's as if his voice has some sort of power over me. And Eddie, I think. Must be something that only affects earthlings.

Indeed, I went to his room right after dinner. I won't write what happened then, since its quite obvious.

A little while later I went to the room I share with Mags. When I got there, she was sitting on her bed reading a book.

"What are you reading?" I asked her.

" _The Picture of Dorian Gray_. It's about a young man-"

"-whose friend paints a really great picture of him. After he wishes for eternal youth the picture begins to age while he doesn't. I read it ages ago."

She raised an eyebrow. "You read it 'ages ago'? Then why was it the only book taken from my bookshelf in quite a while? Why was it on your bed?"

Eyes widened in horror, I stared at her for a moment. "I was reading it earlier today… I think. God, I'm officially going crazy at this point."

I collapsed onto by bed and stared aimlessly at the ceiling's chipped plaster.

(That reminds me, I plan to put posters their some time soon!)

"You should probably go to bed now, Columbia. I'm pretty sure you haven't been getting enough sleep lately," my roommate said thoughtfully.

And that's when I wrote this. Magenta's right, I really need to sleep.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **(Also, I'd better say 'thank you' to those who've already reviewed. It's because of you that I keep writing this!)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Yes, I've seen the 'equal' _Shock Treatment_. I'm sorry to say that I really don't like it. So, in this story, Riff Raff is a doctor... but he never goes by the name 'Cosmo McKinley' in the future. Anyway, Cosmo was an actor pretending to be a doctor. In this story Riff is as close as you can be to being a doctor without actually being licensed in any way... **

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Thursday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Today one of my 'bright episodes' happened. That means I became bizarrely obsessive over something for a time and then became normal again. Sometimes they last for a few hours sometimes for days.

Another thing that happens once in a while is what we call a 'dark episode'. That's when I become blank minded and horribly depressed.

Frankie let Riff Raff have the afternoon off so that he could look after me.

Well, more like 'study' me. Riff actually trained as a physician at one point. Since Magenta doesn't really talk about her family's past, I'm not too sure about the details. All I know is that they owe Frank a debt of some kind and have to give him credit for all their work.

No wonder Riff Raff is always rather unhappy!

Anyway, people from their planet are physically different in some ways. For one thing they get different illnesses and mental disorders. Being the curious scientist he is, Riff is keen to study anything I get. It's a weird hobby of his.

Since he knows Magenta is fond of me, he tries to help me get better. And never intentionally hurts me. Frank might do something truly awful to Riff and Mags if his only groupie dies or becomes disfigured or _whatever_. So I know I'm pretty safe.

Anyway…

Today I decided to redecorate the room I share with Magenta. I didn't go to breakfast, since I wanted to begin right away. Somehow, I managed to clean my side of the room to near spotlessness. Then I began attempting to glue posters to the ceiling and walls on my half of the bedroom. Magenta found me gluing a ridiculously large photograph of Frank to the ceiling.

"Vhat are you doing? Vhy is zhere a picture of ze Master that is twice as big as reality?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

I was so intently focused on perfectly sticking the thing to the wall that I didn't even _notice_ how naughty the phrase 'twice as big' sounded.

"Columbia? What are you doing?"

"I want to redecorate the room," I replied bluntly, my voice devoid of emotion.

"Columbia… are you going through of those funny phases?"

"Hmm?" I'd barely heard her.

She sighed in melodramatic annoyance. "Are you doing that thing where you go crazy for a while? You know how that upsets the Master!"

Ignoring her, I continued to glue others pictures to the wall. Mostly just photographs I took when Magenta bought a camera one day when running errands. Everyone who lived here the day she bought that camera- which basically means everyone who's not Eddie- was in at least on of the pictures. That made sense, since they were all taken inside the castle.

They look nice hung there. Only later did it occur to me that photos can't be printed twice and therefore the only place those exact photos will ever be is right there on the wall.

"Seriously, Columbia. Do you want me to go tell ze Master _and_ my brozer vhat you are doing? I vill if you don't prove to me that you aren't having one of your episodes!"

"I want to hang one of those strings of little Christmas lights around the room," I replied.

"Zat's it!"

Magenta then stormed out of the room. The fact that she'd begun to speak in that strange fake-German meant she was angry- or at least very annoyed. Of course, she speaks in that accent other times too… but mostly when she's particularly emotional.

After she'd left I finished gluing pictures to the wall. Time to hang up those posters I convinced Magenta to buy ages ago.

As I was pinning a poster for the Sci-Fi picture _Forbidden Planet_ to the wall, Magenta returned to the room. Riff Raff, Frank, and (to my surprise) Eddie soon entered behind her.

"What on earth is _that_?" Frank shrieked, pointing to the mad collage of photos.

"It is a wall that isn't boring anymore," I explained happily.

"Why did you hang up all those pictures and everything?" Eddie asked.

"Because I needed to redecorate this room. Isn't it nice?"

"No. That giant picture of me is awful! I mean that corset I'm wearing in that picture is _so_ out of date! And you know I've thrown it out by now…" Frank whined.

I rolled my eyes. "I could put a more up-to-date picture there if-"

"No. Don't. My beloved sister was right. You're going through one of your funny 'bright episodes'. I've got to keep you out of trouble. Come on, now."

And so, I was marched up to a room next to the lab. It's basically Riff's study and a 'proper' Doctor's office at the same time.

And so… Riff Raff, Eddie, Magenta, and I all entered that room. Frank went to go… do whatever he does when he isn't around anyone else. Probably something revoltingly dirty.

Riff Raff glared at me as I paced around the room. "Somebody is going to have to keep an eye on you. Until you act normal again. Alright?"

"Yes. I _know_ ," I replied unhappily.

So, after explaining to Eddie that I'd be fine in a few hours, I was left alone with Riff. At this point he'd already asked all the questions he could possibly think of. So, all he needed to do now was name whatever disorder I had. It probably had an earthling name already. But telling him that would ruin all the fun he was having.

"I think we'll call this Cheerful/Uncheerful Syndrome," he told me.  
By mid-afternoon I was normal again. Back to my usual (though slightly less cheerful) self.

Thankfully I got around to rehearsing my tap dancing. That's the only normal thing I did today… and the best thing that happened all day.

At dinner I was 'punished' for stealing the spotlight from Frankie.

The way he punished me was strangely interesting. He didn't even acknowledge my existence as we ate dinner. Also, he made a big deal out of flirting with Eddie. Clever, clever Frank knew that this would upset me. He _knows_ that when actually in his presence my love for him borders on disturbingly obsessive. He _knows_ that I'm much more likely to screw Magenta when he ignores me.

Ha! He's to smart when it comes to this sort of thing.

Indeed, I did 'touch' Magenta earlier this evening. I'm the only girl she's ever near. Like most people from Transsexual, Transylvania she loves to screw a variety of people. So she will agree to that sort of thing whenever I'm up to it.

No doubt Frank was watching us one those _evil_ television screens. For some reason, that doesn't bother me. I know he likes that sort of thing. And I can't help but want to please him in any way possible.

Wow. I'm becoming a total creep.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. **

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**A/N: Part of last chapter was supposed to be a satire of psychiatry.**

 **I find** **Psychiatrists** **annoying for a number of reasons. Mainly because** **I've always got the impression that they _like_ diagnosing people with various disorders a** **nd prescribing medicine, which is creepy.**

 **Anyway... I like to satirize various aspects of western culture in stuff I write. So, in that last chapter, Riff Raff was a** **caricature of a doctor. The fictional sort of doctor who has fun inventing names for disorders, yet doesn't really care about the patients.**

 **Columbia is bipolar in this story. A 'bright episode' is what Riff Raff calls an episode of hypomania. I wrote all of _A_ _Sci-Fi Fan's Adventure_ while like that. A 'dark episode' would be Riff's name for depression. **

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Friday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Thankfully, today was normal.

Well… normal by our standards.

I got up at about 9, like I often do. Then I got dressed. For breakfast, Magenta made scrambled eggs. They were revolting. That makes sense, of course. Scrambled eggs are always horrid.

Since the library takes a week to dust, Mags was dusting the books and their shelves this morning.

"Hello, Columbia," she said, in monotone somewhat like her brother's voice. I hoped she wasn't annoyed at me over something.

"Hey," I muttered.

"My brother said that Eddie is rather worried about you. This proves he likes you, I think," Magenta told me.

"I hope he likes me. I, er, I'm pretty sure I like him," I replied awkwardly.

"Maybe you should talk to him more, then."

"Well, I _would_ talk to him more if I knew where he was all day!" I said, pouting pettily.

She raised an eyebrow. "Have you ever gone looking for him? There are only so many places a person can hide around here."

It took me a moment to understand. Once I did, I grinned madly. "You mean look for him on the castle cameras?"

Smiling, she nodded. "Of course. Only the bathrooms don't have cameras. After you've observed his routine for a few days you could intentionally run into him."

"A few days?"

Mags nodded. "Yes."

"Are you sure I shouldn't just go looking for him right now?" I asked.

At that, she threw the feather duster at me. " _W_ _hy_ do you always ask me about relationships? I've only dated one person my entire life! I'll never be able to answer _half_ the questions you ask!"

"Sorry…"

"Don't bother being sorry. Just try not to be too annoying," Magenta replied with a dramatic sigh.

I handed the duster back to her and she went back to dusting the shelves. After a few minutes of awkward silence, I left the room.

Why _do_ I ask her about relationships? It's because I look up to her, I suppose. Like an older sister…

So, after that, I went back to our room. I needed to pick out tomorrow's outfit. That ended up being an ensemble that included (amongst other things): glittery stockings, my usual tap-shoes, and a sequined vest. It was perfectly cheerful.

Then it was lunchtime.

Eddie, Magenta, and I all ate together. Mags made pasta for lunch. It's funny, her newfound obsession with such a random food. We sat at the kitchen table, since it was only the three of us.

For some reason, I decided to ask Magenta about her relationship with her brother. I suppose I wanted to know how a lasting relationship begins.

"When was your first kiss?" I asked her.

She raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"Well, since there's no real point to not telling you… I was 8 and Riff was 10. It was more of a joke than anything. Just a girl and her dear brother being silly one day. We never actually got into a _serious_ relationship until I was 16 years old. That's the legal age on our home planet of Transsexual," she explained with a shrug.

"You didn't know already?" I asked, giggling.

"Nah. Nobody tells me anything, I suppose," he replied unhappily.

Mags rolled her eyes. "Well, it's not like it matters, is it?"

Eddie chuckled nervously. "Well, people around here aren't usually into that…"

"It doesn't matter. People on our planet are _too_ 'into that'. That's one reason we're here," Magenta replied simply.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"We're here to study earthlings. One of the reasons for this is that we need some variation in our genetics. Only a few families were immune to a certain plague that swept our planet a few generations ago. So, those few families- including the royal family and mine- survived. That means much fewer people to date or marry. We're supposed to see if earthlings and our people can interbreed. Or if this planet can help in any other way. Of course, the Master has gotten a bit distracted."

"You never told me that!" I said, quite surprised by it all.

"Well, you never asked."

Once we'd all finished lunch, I went to the ballroom to practice tap dancing. Though I didn't realize it at first, someone had followed me.

"You're pretty good."

The sound of Eddie's voice startled me. In fact, it startled me so much that I fell over.

"Sorry," I muttered, as I stood up and brushed dust off my clothes.

He smiled kindly. "Why should you be sorry?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. It just seemed like the polite thing to say."

"Oh."

The two of us stood there in awkward silence for a moment. That's when I began to think rather foolish things. For some reason, Eddie reminded me of a teddy bear. He just seems so perfectly kind, strangely lovable. The kind of person I hadn't had the luck to meet before, yet somehow seems extremely familiar. If his arms were around me, everything would be-

"Columbia? Did you hear me?"

"Hmm?"

"I was just asking if you'd like to go to the cinema tomorrow night. I dunno exactly what they're playing, but I know that there's a grindhouse nearby that shows B-grade pictures. Westerns and Sci-Fi."

He was asking me on a date. Oh God, I wanted to go with him… but I was too scared. What would happen if I left?

"I really wish I could. I'm so sorry. But I can't leave the castle."

Though I hadn't actually attempted to escape, I had a feeling that the punishment would be severe. It scared me… the thought of what Frank might do _and_ the idea of the outside world.

"Oh." Eddie looked rather disappointed.

"I'm really sorry," I said quietly.

After what felt like hours of awkward silence, Magenta entered the room.

"The Master is looking for you, Columbia," she told me.

"Goodbye," I whispered.

I doubt Eddie actually heard me.

So, Magenta led me to Frank's room. She left me there… and I did what I usually do with Frankie. Once he'd sent me back to my room, I began to wonder what it would be like if I ran away from here. If I left the castle for good…

I forgot most of that when Mags called me to dinner.

After dinner I went back to my room and wrote this.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

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 **A/N: I had a lot of fun 'designing' Magenta's garbled letter. There's actually a bit of a system to it, in fact. I typed what I wanted it to mean into Google Translate, translated it into German, and then translated it back into English word-by-word.**

 **Also... a Guest Reviewer's idea of Columbia temporarily escaping the castle is interesting. Maybe Eddie could persuade her to run away with him, then when they both get brought back a bit of drama between them happens? (Columbia's obsession with Frank and general craziness might stop her from think of something like that on her own.)**

 **Anyway, I'm grateful for all the ideas/feedback you give me.**

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Saturday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Today was ordinary. It's funny how I say that! At first I think a day was perfectly normal, then I soon think of something that made it different from other days. Ah, well…

I woke up at 9 o'clock. That's practically the only thing that truly never changes day by day.

To my delight, Magenta had made waffles for breakfast. Waffles are a truly glorious food. Mags, being the wonderful cook she is, managed to cook them until they were perfectly crispy and _just_ the right shade of golden brown. Not burned or undercooked at all. The waffles she cooked for breakfast were so magnificent that putting butter on them seems like sacrilege. It was a thousand times better than that vile abomination known as 'scrambled eggs'.

Next to the plate of that most glorious breakfast food was a note (typed on one of those futuristic-looking computers the Transylvanians have) from Magenta. I've copied it here:

 _Dear Miss Columbia,_

 _At the day this day, at the it happening currently to be, I done old Castle-Spaceship in the library to clean. So, now will I the Room will mop up in to those parties usually will. Yes, the room, that we often call the ballroom. If you wish, myself to find were I there be!_

 _You beloved Friend,_

 _Magenta_

She's never gotten the hang of writing in English. It's rather pathetic. I suspect that she literally translates the language spoken on Transsexual, Transylvania into English on that computer. Ah, well. By now I'm pretty good at deciphering her strange attempts at writing in English. I know she's currently in the ballroom.

So, the moment I finished breakfast, I went to find my friend in the ballroom. Indeed, she was currently mopping the floor. I stood in the doorway to avoid getting dirt all over the newly cleaned floor.

"Hiya!" I said brightly.

"I've got a surprise for you. It involves a leopard," Mags replied cryptically.

"What does that mean?" I asked, suddenly _very_ worried.

I wouldn't be surprised if she'd bought a pet leopard or something equally deranged. Though we had a taxidermy one in the foyer, a living one was too much. Where do people get leopards, anyway?

"I have a movie for the three of us to watch. It stars Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and a leopard. It's comedic and from the year 1938."

Ah, so no live leopard would be living here! I was very glad of this… but then I realized something.

"The _three_ of us…?"

"Yes, Eddie will be at our movie night. I know he wished to take you on a date today, and that you can't leave the castle, so I decided to invite him to watch a film in our room," Magenta explained.

"Okay."

The idea of Eddie being in my mess of a room freaked me out. Having a guy 'invade' my 'territory' was gonna be _weird_ , I thought. Very awkward, at least. Hopefully he'd be too focused on the movie to notice that picture of Frankie I'd hung on the wall.

So, when I went upstairs to find tomorrow's outfit, I also began to clean things up a bit. Not that there was much I could do… my ability to make a place a horrid mess very quickly is practically a talent.

Though I'm more talented at 'flashing' people, of course. Not that such a thing is actually useful- even compared to trashing a room in very little time.

Yeah, I'd pretty much given up on cleaning by lunchtime.

As we often do, we ate lunch in the kitchen. Today 'we' meant Magenta, Eddie, Riff, and I. Like anything involving Riff Raff, the fact that he ate lunch with us made everything awkward. Not to mention the fact that Magenta sat on his lap and they sort of… made out for a while. I have a feeling neither of them actually ate anything.

Poor Eddie is still a bit uncomfortable about the whole incest thing those two have going on…

"They're sibling and they're kissing like that… just _why_?" he whispered to me.

I shrugged. "At this point I never bother asking why when it comes to anything. It's much easier to just go along with it. "

"Right…"

"I'm rather jealous of them, you know," I muttered, blushing slightly.

Eddie's eyes widened in horror. "How could you be jealous of that sort of thing?"

"'Cause I've never been in an actual relationship. I've been a groupie since I ran away at age 16. Before that I was a sheltered little bitch… God, I wish they'd loved me. I was just a pretty thing for them to use then get bored of. It's a shock I didn't get pregnant or something! I mean… incest is technically illegal and everything. But at least they really love each other. Riff and Mags actually love each other."

Eddie stared at me with a ridiculous amount of pity in his brown, 'puppy-dog' eyes.

And then… he kissed me. Probably out of pity, I'd bet. Yet I couldn't help but forget everything in the whole world when his lips were pressed softly against mine for those few seconds. Yeah, the kiss was ridiculously sloppy. He probably hadn't even had a girlfriend before. But that only made it seem nicer. It probably meant more than all those meaningless affairs combined.

When Frank kisses me, it's because he likes to know that he has someone in his power. He adores the fact that people can't resist his charm.

I'm pretty sure Eddie kissed me because he actually likes me. Because it made me smile like a teenager on her first date.

Of course, I might be wrong. It might just be like all the others attempts at relationships. I couldn't help but worry after I'd wandered away to practice my tap dance routines.

After hours of dancing- just enough time to forget my troubles – Magenta walked into the ballroom. She wrinkled her nose when she looked down at the floor.

"Columbia! You scratched up the floor again. And I just fixed it up this morning."

For a second, Mags sounded more like my mother than my best friend. Well, not my _actual_ mother… from the few things I can bring myself to remember I'd say she never scolded me over anything dance-related. That's practically the only thing I did that she approved of… I think…

"I think you should come upstairs now. We'll be starting the movie soon, and I left your boyfriend outside our room." She giggled a bit madly.

Indeed, Eddie stood right outside the room.

He seemed very nervous. It makes sense, of course. The illogical fear of entering a room inhabited by numerous people who are girls if you're a guy (and vice versa) is probably quite universal. _Especially_ if you don't know them that well.

Thankfully, he seemed a bit less weirded out as time went by. By the time Mags had managed to get the TV to magically play the movie, with some kind of futuristic tech earthlings hadn't figured out yet, he seemed quite comfortable.

And so we watched the movie. It was bizarrely hilarious and all of us found it quite funny.

"Tri-doubly-weird!" Eddie suddenly said, halfway through the film.

I glanced over at him in confusion. "Hmm?"

"That's just a saying I made up. It means something is five times weirder than just plain old weird. And is this film is definitely five times weirder than weird," he explained with a shrug.

Magenta raised an eyebrow. "You're smarter than I thought, boy."

Eddie looked confused. I'm pretty sure he was trying to figure out if what she'd said was a compliment or an insult. It's sometimes hard to tell when she says stuff.

"Uh, thank you…?" he said, after a moment.

Then, we went back intently watching to the film.

It was quite funny, and we all laughed when the main character is wearing the gal's fluffy dressing gown. We laughed even more when he jumped into the air and said that that maybe he'd 'just gone _gay_ all of a sudden'.

"That's the first time in Earthling film that 'gay' means what the Master sort of is," Mags told us (probably just to prove she knew something we didn't).

"Sort of what all of the people here are," Eddie muttered, suddenly very serious.

I snuggled closer to him. "Just watch the film, darling. No seriousness allowed right now!"

Chuckling, he wrapped his arm around me. "Okay, babe."

Over his shoulder I noticed Magenta miming vomiting. That's a rather silly thing for her to do. I'm forced to watch her stare dreamily at Riff all the time and _I_ don't act that immature. Well, not _usually_.

Once the movie ended Eddie had to leave. To my delight, he gave me a goodnight kiss just before he left.

"You're falling in love," Magenta stated bluntly.

"Am not!"

"You can keep telling yourself that, but that won't help things. The only reason that the Master hasn't noticed is that he's too busy being a self-centered bastard. Be careful, Columbia."

She's probably right, as usual.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **A/N: The film they watch ( _Bringing Up Baby)_ is a classic comedy. And what Magenta says about the film's character saying "maybe I just went gay all of a sudden" is true. **

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**Please Review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

 **A/N: I'm sorry if this is a bit boring. Maybe I shouldn't make it take place one day at a time.**

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Sunday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Today was a bit awkward. You see, Eddie now thinks we're dating. That is an impossible dream that won't come true. Though such a thing hasn't actually happened before (as far as I know), I doubt Frankie would want two of his 'playthings' having an affair behind his back. I can't decide whether or not to point this out. I didn't today.

Though I didn't actually see Eddie until lunchtime. As usual, I spent the morning chatting with Magenta. Today she was cleaning the foyer.

"Hello, Columbia," she said when she saw me.

"Hey…"

"Are you going to continue leading poor Eddie on? It'll never work out. Both of you will be miserable soon enough," Magenta said.

"At least we're happy right now!" I pointed out.

She sighed. "I suppose young people don't understand long term planning. Is a wonderful romance that lasts hardly a few months worth it if afterwards you pay dearly? My brother agrees that the Master will not be pleased if he finds out."

I narrowed my eyes. "Did Riff figure it out on his own? Or did you tell him? No offense, but won't he tell Frank?"

"Don't worry. I've, of course, known him my entire life _and_ I know him well enough to trust him more than anything. Anyway, he enjoys keeping secrets from the Master. It makes him feel like he's betraying the Master or something," Mags explained with a shrug.

I hope she's right about Riff Raff. The only reason I don't trust him is that he just seems like a not-trustable sort of person. All the hiding in the shadows and the shady, slightly stoned demeanor makes him seem a bit more malicious than he actually is.

It was at lunchtime that I actually spoke to Eddie himself.

Magenta, Eddie, and I were the only ones who ate in the kitchen. This was a good thing, of course. Whenever Riff Raff is around things are awkward and Frank dominates all conversations.

"Er, I liked that movie we watched yesterday," Eddie said nervously.

"That's good," I replied, mentally lamenting at how pathetic that sounded.

"It is a very funny film. I thought that the actor Cary Grant was quite good looking, as well as talented," Magenta said.

"He's gay," I told her, giggling.

She raised an eyebrow. "I know he improvised that one line, but-"

"Cary Grant was gay. My mother was very upset, you see, when she found out that her favorite actor was a 'darn homosexual'. Her words, not mine."

Eddie laughed at this.

For some reason, Mags looked puzzled. "But why did she care that he was gay? Wasn't she married? Anyway, she had no chance of meeting him in person… did she?"

"No. I really don't know why she cared. It's just one of those funny things about people. Some like celebrity gossip _far_ too much."

"It's the same back home on the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Except we don't really have films. People love to gossip about the royal family instead," Magenta replied, laughing.

"So Frank has lots of fangirls back home?" I asked, suddenly feeling rather sick.

"Indeed."

"No wonder he thinks that he's better than everyone else," Eddie muttered.

"Yes, that's why he's like that. Though I'd bet years of being spoiled by his mother also factored in," Magenta explained unhappily.

All three of us hated Frank. Yet I really liked him at the same time. I wished I could be like Mags. Hating someone and loving them is hard work. She's lucky, since it's so much simpler for her. Or maybe I'm luckier, since I associate some nice emotions with him (instead of just bad ones). Yet love is only a 'nice' emotion sometimes. Mostly it's just something that makes you act like an idiot.

Yeah, Magenta is better off.

After lunch I went to the ballroom to tap dance. Like on Friday, Eddie followed me there to watch. That's actually a bit nerve wracking. I haven't actually 'performed' in years. Well, I've danced at the few parties Frank has hosted. But that's not the same. They don't have tap dancing on Transsexual Transylvania. So I'm not being compared to any other performer. I'm sure Eddie has seen people tap dance before.

Thankfully, he doesn't seem to think my dancing is awful. You know what he said?

"You're pretty good!"

I giggled. "Thanks. I took lessons as a kid. And then, when I wasn't traveling with a band, I did a professional gig here and there."

And so, we talked about my love of tap dancing. I told all those little misadventures involving different theatres and things. But, just as I was about to ask him if he has any hobbies, Mags came to get him.

I think he'll become part of my schedule now. Just like how I spend every morning talking to Magenta, I now spend the afternoons with Eddie. Okay, that's only happened twice. At least I want to make it part of my schedule. That should count for something…

Soon enough, it was dinnertime. We ate something that involved pasta. I think Magenta plans to never again feed us a dinner that _doesn't_ involve pasta somehow.

It's a shock that Frank didn't notice me staring at Eddie the whole time. He was too busy talking to notice anything, I suppose. For once he's inability to care about others actually came in useful! Well, it came in useful for me.

After dinner I went back to my room.

"You shouldn't have been staring at that _boy_ the whole time. Both of you will end up in quite a bit of trouble if the Master notices," Magenta grumbled.

"Whatever."

"Don't just say 'whatever'. Listen to me, Columbia. I really gave your best interests in mind."

She's still glaring at me. The fact that she hates the sound of my pencil writing on these pages is only making matters worse.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Yay! Super long chapter (by my pathetic standards). Hopefully it doesn't bore my lovely reviewers (or is it only one reviewer?).**

 **And, for those who aren't foolishly obsessed with old literature... the main plot of _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ pretty much is: **

**Pretty-boy Dorian is corrupted by the hedonistic ideals of this bloke named 'Sir Henry'. After this sad gay** **(along with the testimonies of many men, this book helped people convict Oscar Wilde)** **painter who's in love with Dorian paints a pretty picture of the guy, Dorian wishes that he could look like that youthful picture forever. So, he accidentally sells his soul and becomes an evil hedonist because Sir Henry's poisonous influence. And Sir Henry didn't even mean to do all that to Dorian!**

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Monday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

In the 'real world' some people complain about Monday being the worst day of the week. Here in the castle nobody really keeps track of the passage of time, so I'm not exactly sure if they all think it's the worst day or not. Maybe people only think it's the worst day if they _know_ it's Monday.

Ah, how perfectly irrelevant!

I should probably write down what actually happened today. Breakfast seems like the proper place to start!

For breakfast I had pancakes. Magenta is very good at making pancakes, especially the sort with chocolate chips. As always, its wonderful to live with a cook as good as she. I always burn chocolate chip pancakes. Yet, somehow, she can cook them so perfectly...

To summarize… breakfast was lovely.

Today Magenta was cleaning the dining room. Since we've all been eating in there lately, there isn't as much dust as usual.

"So… how is your brother?" I asked.

Mags raised an eyebrow. "What? Since when do you ask questions about Riff?"

I shrugged. "Lately we've been constantly talking about Eddie and I. Why can't I inquire about your love life?"

"Because Riff and I are in a stable relationship. You'd find it boring. There isn't a crazed aristocratic transvestite using a highly suggestive alias getting in the way of our romance," she explained.

"Wait… his real name isn't 'Frank N. Furter'?"

"Nobody's name is really that. And I thought you were intelligent!" Magenta replied with a dramatic sigh.

"So, what's his real name, then?"

"I won't tell you. It's impossible for you earthlings to pronounce anything in our language. His name is much longer than my name… though I doubt you'll be able to pronounce either."

"What's _your_ actual name?" I asked, annoyed that I didn't know all this already.

She laughed at my petty annoyance. "My real name is _"

Then she said something I couldn't figure out how to say. To my annoyance, I can't even figure out how to spell it phonetically. In an attempt to avoid wasting tons of paper, I just left empty space (as you can see).

"Do you ever wish to go home?" I asked Magenta, surprising us both.

"Of course I do. But I know I won't ever. I'll be his servant until he frees me, or either of us dies. So I must say here until he goes home... not that we ever will. If we go home, the Master will go to the senate," she replied bitterly.

I raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean. Do monarchies usually have senates?"

"Hmm…? Oh, I didn't mean it literally. That's just a common saying at home… and I was thinking about home…"

"What does it _mean_?"

She chuckled darkly. "Back when our planet was a republic, controversial politicians were sometimes invited to visit the capital city and the senate. Those who were stupid enough to accept the invitation were killed. It's amusing how many times that happened. It's why history became a required course at schools, I suppose. Nowadays, people use that phrase to mean 'get assassinated over politics'."

"Oh."

"If we go home without enough research done, the people will be angry. But it's all _his_ fault! The whole planet is hoping that one of three spaceships sent out will find a way to help our species continue. We either need another species that our DNA can combine with, so that the gene pool can be more varied and the excessive inbreeding will stop. Then there's less chance of horrible defects on our planet's children. Riff is pretty sure earthlings might work. But the Master is always messing up everything! If only he would actually help out… and now he's forcing my brother to do some other sort of project. Invent a way to bring corpses back! But only so he can fuck the damned creature once it's alive again!" Magenta ranted furiously.

Suddenly, her eyes widened in horror. "I wasn't supposed to tell you about that…"

"It's fine. I won't say anything to anyone," I reassured her.

She raised an eyebrow. "Including Eddie?"

"Yeah."

After that strange exchange, I went to my room to find tomorrow's outfit. What I decided on included that bright pink jacket I really love. All my clothes are so very cheerful! More cheerful than I am, often.

Magenta didn't eat lunch with us. Thankfully, she _did_ leave us something to eat. It was some sort of fancy grilled salmon with lemon and (of course) pasta. This time the pasta was bow tie shaped. I can't help but wonder how many types of pasta exist. And why does Mags like that specific food so much? Aren't there other easy-to-cook side dishes?

Whatever.

The food doesn't _really_ matter.

What matters is that I got to talk to Eddie for a while. It's so nice, talking to a normal earthling not unlike myself. For one thing, I don't need to explain popular culture or history references.

"How do you like living here?" I asked him.

"What do you mean?" he replied.

"I don't really know. Just… do you like it here? Or are you horribly miserable? Or…?"

Eddie shrugged. "It's not like I'm bein' kept prisoner here. And everyone else is pretty nice… except for Riff, but he's more creepy than mean. Yeah, it's better than living with my uncle was. Mainly 'cause there aren't so many rules an' all."

"You keep mentioning that uncle of yours. Who is he?" I asked.

"He's a clever bastard who works at a university. When he an' his sister- my Ma- moved here from Germany he got a job as a professor at this one high school. He never actually explained _how_ he got hired. I mean, what with him being German and all..."

"Was he one of, er, _those_ Germans?" I nervously asked.

"I'm pretty sure. Never had the nerve to really ask, though. Ma never really said anythin' about it either. That explains why he's so mean to everyone, I suppose," Eddie explained.

It seemed like he really didn't like his uncle. So, I decided to ask about his parents.

"What about your mom? What's she like?" I asked.

"Dead."

Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. She wasn't always very nice. Always said I 'ruined' her, just by existing. She never married my Dad, an' I'm pretty sure he wasn't the sort of person who'd want to marry her. Apparently he was American she met at a bar or whatever. They had a tragic romantic affair, etcetera. He disappeared before she even told him about me, of course. But she moved to this country very soon after he left and I was born here. That was in 1953. Though the was ended before then, they'd stayed in Germany for a long time.

"She died only a year or two ago. Uncle always compares me to her. Says I'm trouble and everything. Well, I did ride a motorcycle in the school hallways once or twice and some other stuff like that… but I was just a kid messin' around!"

I hadn't been near someone so honest since I was a child. It's pretty scary, being confronted by all that pure truthfulness. I wasn't sure what to say. Especially once he began asking _me_ questions.

"What about your family? Do ya have any siblings?"

Though I hated telling people about my past, I felt like lying would be cruel. So, for once, I didn't pretend to have any more drug-induced amnesia than I really do have. "Two sisters, who're both older than me. The eldest is called Agnes and the younger one's named Rosie. Agnes is like your mom in some ways, in a way," I told him.

"What do ya mean?"

"Well… she had a kid without getting married! Mom and Dad disowned her the second they found out she was pregnant. Poor girl. Last I heard of her was that she named the baby 'Oliver'. At least she swore to marry her boyfriend once they were both eighteen. Of course, the kid would be nearly two at that point!"

Eddie and I both laughed at this. Then, he asked another question: "When did you, uh, leave home?"

I sighed. "A year after we last heard from Agnes. My second year of high school. I kept worrying that I might 'turn out' like she did. Thanks to my parents being rather prudish, I didn't really know how Agnes ended up having a baby. Then a kid at school explained it in amazingly explicit detail, I vomited, and everything went worse from there on."

"Whoa."

"Yeah…"

"So, ya just ran off after that?" Eddie asked.

I nodded. "Thank God that kid had explained things, or I would've been very scared when I realized what that sleazy lead singer of that cheap, forgettable band wanted. At least I actually knew what was going on."

What I'd just said seemed to make Eddie _very_ uncomfortable. No wonder he so quickly changed the subject!

"You know what?"

"Hmm?"

"I was once in a band. We were pretty awful, being a bunch of pathetic high school kids. And the only reason we started it in the first place was 'cause Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll sounds much more fun than it really is. My Uncle caught me with the drugs before I'd even managed to try them out, in fact. He never forgave me for that..."

I couldn't help but giggle. "Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll? When did you first, ah, experience the first of those three delightfully immoral vices?"

God, I sounded like Sir Henry from _The Picture of Dorian Gray._ That's a bit creepy…

"Uh, when I met the guy who owns this castle," Eddie replied awkwardly.

Again, I giggled. "He really is one hell of a lover, isn't he?"

Understandably, Eddie didn't reply to this. By then I'd probably traumatized the poor guy for life. Oh dear. But sometimes I can't help but be a bit creepy. I think Magenta is accidentally influencing me- just like Sir Henry unintentionally influenced Dorian Gray!

"So, in that band, what did you play?" I asked.

"Saxophone."

"Cool…"

An awkward silence then ensued. Thankfully, Magenta showed up looking for me. It was way later than I'd thought, at that point.

"Columbia! Vhy aren't you practicing your tap dancing in the ballr-" she began. Then, she saw Eddie standing nearby. "Oh."

"What's up… Magenta," he said with adorable awkwardness.

She frowned in disapproval at his informal greeting.

"Columbia always tap dances in the ballroom at this time of day. Now she's sitting here with you." It almost seemed like she was scolding him for messing up my usual routine.

Maybe she was jealous! That's a bit weird. Though she _does_ sometimes act like I'm a beloved, adorable pet of hers. Probably a Transsexual Transylvania thing, since Frank is the same way. Of course, Magenta is a _lot_ nicer and _much_ less creepy about it…

"I'll be in my brother's room tonight," she whispered to me.

My eyes widened. "All night?"

"Indeed. You won't be interrupted by me, darling," Mags said _so_ very softly.

Then, I hugged her.

"Thank you!" I squealed.

This, of course, confused Eddie. "What are you gals, um, talking about?"

"Come to my room this evening, a little while after dinner tonight. You must learn what touching a girl is like. Magenta just said she'll be away all evening," I explained happily.

"Okay!"

The look on his face proved that teenage boys really are more hormone-addled than any other being in the universe. Or maybe he wanted to feel 'less gay'.

Whoa, I can't believe I just wrote that down. 'Less gay'? Who things of stuff like that? Apparently I do…

And so, with out little date all planned out, he left the room.

Of course, he kissed me goodbye just before he exited. A sweet, loving kiss. An 'I-actually-care-about-you' kiss. I think I love him. Or, at least, _nearly_ love him.

"You two are so adorable together, I might even kill the Master to keep you together," Mags muttered thoughtfully,

"Really?"

"I said _maybe._ But if you start being too annoying I might back out of even that," she replied.

"I said _maybe._ But if you start being too annoying I might back out of even that," she replied.

By then it was so late that Magenta had to start making dinner. I left then, heading for the ballroom so I could rehearse. Nothing helps me relax like a few tap dance routines!

Too soon it was dinnertime.

Like always, Frank droned on and on about himself. This time, however, it wasn't boredom that distracted me. It was Eddie's hand grasping mine. So what if I had to eat with my left hand? So what if I almost ruined the shirt I was wearing?

Magenta seemed to notice something. Thankfully, she didn't say anything. Though she _did_ seem to be stifling laughter.

I giggled with bizarre joy when dinner ended. Of course I couldn't wait for the fun I'd be having. Especially since Frankie has been ignoring me lately…

This time, when Eddie entered my room, he seemed less scared. I'd bet it was at least _partially_ because Magenta wasn't there looked vaguely like an evil enchantress.

"Hiya, Eddie," I said.

"Hey…" he replied awkwardly.

Then he kissed me, slightly less nervously than the few times he'd kissed me before. Yet it was still on of his adorably inexperienced kisses.

And when we actually slept together? It was wonderful. Like most things involving Eddie, it made me feel like someone doing that sort of thing for the first time (though without the physical pain, of course). I felt like a wide-eyed, naïve 16-year-old!

Currently, he's lying on my bed fast asleep. The both of us can't really fit on that small mattress together, so I'm sitting n the floor. Once I'm done writing this I plan to attempt to sleep on top of him (how awkward that sounds!) or something…

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **Please Review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ **

**A/N: This chapter is a bit crazy. Hopefully my readers (not that there are many) won't mind.**

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Tuesday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

When I woke up this morning I'd forgotten what happened last night.

So I almost screamed in terror when I saw who happened to be in my bed. The fact that I was hardly even in my bed only made matters worse. Yeah, I'd somehow been nearly pushed out of bed last night. Though not intentionally...

When Eddie awoke he also freaked out for a second.

"Wait. Last night we…"

"Indeed," I replied simply.

We made the mistake of going down to breakfast together. This probably would've been fine if we'd gotten up on time. You see, Frank usually eats breakfast about an hour after I do. And we just so happened to walk into the room just as he was sitting down at the table…

"Shit," I muttered, when I saw the mocking smirk upon his face.

"What were you two, ah, up to?" Frank asked, raising a carefully drawn eyebrow.

"It's rather obvious… isn't it?" Riff said in his usual dull monotone.

At the time, I wondered why he wouldn't be on our side. But why _would_ he help us? And, at this point, there wasn't much anyone could do. The damage was done. It's a shock I even survived to write this.

"I suppose you thought I wasn't enough, eh?" Frank snapped, standing up and stalking over to where we stood.

Eddie's hand still gripped mine as we stood there in terror. Though Frank was giving both of us that hypnotizing look of his, neither of us wanted to give in. We somehow managed to resist. I feel like such a rebel by then.

Now he was _really_ pissed off.

"You're _both_ very ungrateful! Why, I never expected you to betray me… especially _you_ , Columbia. Don't you love me? You _did_! Or, you once swore you did. Having an affair with _him_ isn't a good way to express such affection for ME, is it!? Oh! How could you, _darlings_? You both have _broken…_ my… _HEART_! Edward Scott, you stole her away! Was that you're intention when you came here? To steal _my_ darling groupie from me? She's MINE, foolish earthling! And you're mine, too! You're both mine… and will always be. Without me, Columbia would be starving on the streets. And Eddie, you'd be living in the shadow of your ex-Nazi of an uncle if I hadn't _saved_ you from that boring life! Both of you owe EVERYTHING to _me_."

That rant of his had a strange quality of _wrongness_ to it. Like Hamlet's famous soliloquy recited by Comic Gravediggers or something…

It also sounded like nothing but lies. Now that I'm writing all this down, what Frank said seems even worse. I wonder if he really believes it. Does Frank really believe that he owns us? It's probably partially because Eddie and I are earthlings, I suppose.

Maybe we _are_ at the 'level' of the servants. Now that I really think about it I hardly have any more say in things then they do. Horribly enough, I suspect that Magenta only listens to me because she likes me.

Best not to think about that…

Anyway, after his dramatic speech, Frank decided he needed to punish us both somehow. Of course, he didn't mean it in a kinky way. No. He meant actually punish Eddie and I.

I never knew this house had a dungeon.

Yes, it's a castle. But it's also a spaceship… yet I suppose even castles that are also spaceships have dungeons.

At least it's a nice dungeon. No rats or spider webs. More like a bedroom with no windows, no heating, and walls of _very_ solid stone. Of course, the only furniture is a bed and a small table. But the bed is as nice as the one in my room- if not nicer! And, ever since Magenta brought me a few extra blankets (and a book to read), it doesn't seem very cold.

I've been here since breakfast time.

For some reason, Frank though that it would be worse if Eddie was in the cell next to me and we could speak to each other through some kind of barred window. I think that Frank thinks the entire universe, like him, only cares about physical aspects of a relationship. If I thought that, seeing the face of a person I love yet not being able to even _kiss_ them would be torture. That isn't the case, of course.

Frankie thinks he's being _way_ crueler than he actually is.

Right around the time we were brought lunch, Eddie and I began to talk. I suppose it's because we usually only see each other at lunch.

"So… this is weird," I said with a nervous giggle.

"Yeah. I never woulda thought I'd be locked in the basement of a castle owned by a crazy transvestite from out outer space. Sounds like something out of a damned B-picture if ya ask me!" Eddie replied, a bit wildly.

A strangely sad silence fell upon us. At that moment I wished I could be safe in Eddie's arms instead of locked in a cell next door to him. God, that's sounds sappy as hell.

"Wonder when we'll be out of here," I muttered, after quite a while.

He shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe that redheaded gal could help somehow. Could she?"

"Probably not. I'm pretty sure she's angry with me about all this. And she might get in trouble with Frank, which would be very bad for pretty much everyone. Anyway, he'll probably let us out once he realizes we're his only source of sex. That's all the fiend of a transvestite cares about," I replied unhappily.

"What if he finds a replacement?"

The very idea sickened me. Never had I thought such a thing could be possible. A replacement? But who else out there is stupid enough to end up here? Maybe a lot of different people. Frank _is_ good at both seducing unsuspecting innocents and hypnotizing pessimistic young rebels.

"Maybe we should leave…" I whispered.

Eddie stared at me in blank-faced confusion. "Huh?"

A deranged smile appeared on my face. "Let's run away. I can probably convince Magenta to help us escape. If _he_ is able to replace us easily, it won't matter to him. It won't matter to anyone…"

"You can ask her..."

"I will!" I replied fervently.

I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking of what to say to Mags. Eddie spent the time trying to enjoy reading _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ and wondering why I liked it so much.

To my horror, it was Riff who silently brought us our food. So I didn't get to mention any plan of escape. At least he also brought this diary, a pencil, and another book.  
"My sister wanted you to… have these," he told me, his voice drearily monotone (as usual).

All in all, that was probably the most interesting day of my entire life.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ How many times must I say it?**

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 **A/N: Sorry if that last chapter wasn't very good. I had a really crazy day yesterday (the 'ghost' of my school's theatre department almost got caught after switching off one of the light-switches, for one thing).**

 **Most of this chapter is based on _The Cask of Amontillado_ by Edgar Allen Poe. For example, 'Medoc' is a wine Fortunato and Montressor drink during that story.**

 **Hopefully nobody is out of character. Also, in _Commedia dell'arte,_ the female counterpart** **to** **Harlequin/Arlecchino (who wears clothing similar to what Columbia wears in this chapter) is called 'Columbina'. That was actually a coincidence.**

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Wednesday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

I'm currently sitting in the prop room of Frank's theatre.

Yes, this castle has a theatre in it. Somehow it's also where the pool is. The fact that I didn't know about any of this is a shock. But that's not the most shocking thing that's happened today.

It's only about lunchtime, but I'm not sure how soon I'll get to write again.

I'd better explain how I got here…

At five-bloody-thirty in the _morning_ , Magenta showed up. She claimed to have an idea on how to help us escape.

Before we actually attempted escape, however, she gave us each some clean clothes to wear. The outfit I wore at that point- left over from yesterday- was a mess. The clothes she brought for me included pinstriped shorts, fishnet stockings, and a brightly colored checkered… vest not unlike the motley of a jester or Harlequin (who the Italian call 'Arlecchino'). At the time I merely thought she wanted to cheer me up somehow. I _do_ like fashion.

Eddie wore jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket… his usual clothes, I suppose. Though, oddly, the shirt appeared to be the most colorful he owned.

To my confusion, Magenta also brought a bottle of red wine. I think it's called 'Medoc'. I don't understand why she brought wine of all things. Though I don't understand half the thing she's done today.

Though she didn't give us any food to eat, she promised she'd bring us any leftovers from Frank's breakfast.

"The Master won't be up until 10 o'clock, at least. If we hurry we might be able to get you out of the castle before he's even awake," Magenta explained, once we were both somewhat ready.

"How will we leave?" I asked.

She stopped walking. "What do you mean?"

"Well, the front door creaks terribly. And I'm sure he'll hear it!" I pointed out, quite annoyed.

Eddie put his arm around me. "I'm sure she knows what she's doing. Servants usually have all sorts of secret passageways and stuff. At least… the servants who work for my uncle do. It's so they can walk around and "

"Really? Your uncle had servants?"

"Well… a butler, a cook, and a maid. He also seems to have an endless supply of money, no doubt obtained in some sort of shady, illegal-"

"Do you two really want to leave? Or would you rather I show you back to your cells?" Magenta asked sarcastically.

Rolling my eyes, we both followed her down the corridor.

Before today, I'd never been to this part of the house. I know that Riff has a wine cellar somewhere. But I'd never imagined that there was this maze of windowless, stone hallways. As we walked, I noticed spider webs and some other white, web-like… _stuff_ on the solid, stone walls on either side of us. Some sort of mineral.

When I asked Magenta what it was, she merely shrugged and said: "It's nitre."

That sounded familiar. All of this seemed familiar, somehow. Yet I just couldn't remember why…

I shivered in the cold.

"Would you like to try the wine?" Magenta asked. "I'm sure a sip or two will keep the both of you a bit warmer."

Without really thinking, I drank some of it. As did Eddie and Magenta herself. She was right. It brought warmth and false merriment to both of us. All three of us, in fact!

Soon enough we began to laugh and joke around.

"We're almost there," Magenta said, once we'd walked for a while. For _hours_ , I think.

"Good," Eddie replied.

We continued to walk. Soon enough we got to a door. Foolishly, I believed that it led to the outside world. To freedom…

"Magenta, it's so good of you to be helping us," I said, with much sincerity.

"You're the fortunate ones- aren't you?" Magenta whispered, suddenly very solemn.

Then, she opened the door and pushed us through it.

To my horror we were _not_ outside the house. We were in a pitch-black room. I managed a wall nearby with one hand. My other hand held Eddie's. Both of were scared, I think. Who wouldn't be? And wasn't Magenta our friend?

"Ha! What a joke this all is! Hey, Magenta… are ya gonna let us out so we can leave?" Eddie said, laughing nervously.

Her voice was unnaturally cold as she replied: "No."

A light turned on. I suddenly realized that we were in some sort

"For the love of God, Magenta!" I shrieked.

"What God?" she replied shakily.

And then, judging by the sound click-clack sound of her heels, she left. I thought I heard sobs echoing, as her retreating footsteps grew quieter and quieter.

Suddenly, lights turned on.

That's when I realized we were in a theatre prop room. Feather boas and masks alike hung from walls… shelves were piled with shoes of all kinds… boxes overflowing with colorful stage makeup…

Though the door we'd entered through was locked, another door wasn't. In fact, I believe it's not even possible to lock that other door. Cautiously, Eddie opened it.

His eyes widened in surprise, "A _theatre_?"

I rushed over to where he stood and looked through the doorway. "I never knew about this… is that a pool?"

"Yeah, looks like it."

Something about this empty place seemed beautiful. At that point, the only light came from the room I happened to be in. The dark stage had a certain magnificence to it.

Soon enough, we began exploring the theatre. Once all the lights were turned on we began to explore the place. Mainly because we wanted to find an exit. Though it was also interesting. For one thing, I'd never properly seen the backstage of a theatre before.

Right now, as I write this, Eddie is attempting to find an exit. If he doesn't soon enough, it'll be my turn to look around.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **A/N: I've already written the epilogue to this story. Of course, there's still a lot more that's going to happen between now and then!**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Though this _is_ the 13th chapter, it's actually lucky! Well, it's lucky for Columbia and Eddie. Magenta is probably in trouble for 'loosing track' of them. **

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**Also, on a totally unrelated note...**

 **Earlier today I was in my basement going through the tons of old CDs my parents collected in the 1980s and '90s. Somehow I found the Original Roxy Cast _The_ _Rocky Horror Show_ CD. That's really strange, since my parents both seem to agree that anything related to _The Rocky Horror Show_ is horrible in every way. I can't help but wonder who bought that CD... And why the Roxy Cast instead of the movie version? **

**Anyway, I'm listening to it right now on my computer.**

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Wednesday, March/?/1974 (Later)

Dear Diary,

It's very late at night right now as I write this. And I _still_ can't believe all that's happened today.

Well, why don't I pick up where my last entry left off…?

Eddie ended up finding a way out of the theatre before I had to try looking. A mirror in one of the dressing rooms is really a door.

Yes, the theatre _inside the castle_ actually has dressing rooms. Enough dressing rooms for at least a small company of actors, in fact. I've no idea _why_. Maybe the real question is 'why not?'. Frank's motto in life is basically: 'do whatever the hell you feel like'. So maybe he just felt like building a theatre. Maybe he even forces people to listen to him sing at home, like the Roman emperor Nero did. Power does funny things to people.

Anyway… the mirror-door leads to another underground passageway, of course. But at least we could see a light at the end of it.

And, soon enough, we found ourselves outside.

The light we'd seen was sunlight. Bright, lovely sunlight. The windows inside the castle are always blocked by heave, velvet curtains. So my eyes hurt a bit, even thought it was a cloudy day.

And the air… tasted different. Like snow, I guess. Nothing like the dusty, mothball-scented air inside the castle. Though that sounds revolting now that I think/write about it! But at least it was familiar.

Though trees surrounded most of the castle, the road out front went on for miles and miles. Far, far away in the distance I could see houses. The town of Denton and it's surrounding suburbs, I later learned.

A town of sane, normal people. No aliens, transvestites, _or_ aliens who are also transvestites.

My reaction to all this wasn't so good. I got a bit… hysterical. It's a bit hard to explain. Maybe if I'd mentally focused on something else it would've affected me less severely. Oh God, I felt horrible. Something about all of this freedom made me dizzy. Though it was rather cold outside, I didn't shiver because of that. My knees gave out and Eddie had to help me stand. Leaning on his arm made things easier, I guess. But I still shook uncontrollably.

"It's okay, it's okay," Eddie whispered in my ear.

The world went on and on. So far I couldn't see it! It wasn't dark and there weren't any corners to hide in. Everything felt so _real_.

"We're gonna need to walk to town, okay? Though hopefully we can hitchhike part of the way," Eddie said.

"Okay," I replied softly.

So, we did walk. Thankfully we didn't need to go very far before a car stopped. A woman with dark brown hair drove it. She wore a sophisticated suit and almost no makeup.

"Do you kids need a ride?" the woman asked politely.

"Yeah," Eddie replied.

We both got into the back seat of her car.

"Where to?" she asked. "I'm Miss Munroe, by the way."

"Good to meet ya, Miss Munroe. Uh, we need to be dropped off right outside Dr. Scott's house, which is-"

This surprised Miss Munroe so much that she slammed on the breaks. "Dr. Scott? You mean the science teacher at Denton High School who tutors during the summer? How do you kids know him? No offense, but you don't look like the smart sort."

"I'm his nephew," Eddie explained.

Miss Munroe kept driving. "Oh! I never knew he had a nephew. And who's the girl?"

"She's my girlfriend."

"Oh. That's nice. I don't mean to be rude, but she looks a bit like something out of a circus. This being the 20th century, there's nothing really wrong with that," Miss Munroe said awkwardly.

I wanted to say something equally rude in response to that, but I knew that I shouldn't. It's a shock that Miss Munroe even allowed us into her car. And my colorful outfit really did look a bit like something out of a circus.

Soon, we were outside the house that apparently belonged to Eddie's uncle.

It looked like most of the houses on that street. Victorian in style, pastel in color scheme. The yard was impeccably mowed… the front porch elegantly furnished with chairs and a table (all of which were made of wood and painted white)…

It looked both snobbish and ordinary at the same time.

"You really used to live here?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. Spent the first 19 years of my life here, in fact. And it's only been about a year since I've moved out. I'm sure my old room looks just like it did."

Without further ado, we both walked up the front steps and onto the porch. By then I wasn't so nervous anymore. Well, I was still nervous _and_ a bit dizzy… but I could walk on my own again.

Eddie knocked on the door once.

That's all it took for an older woman to come open the door. She wasn't actually that old, she just seemed old. Going by looks she wasn't much older than 40. Her dark blonde hair was just beginning to grey and her face only somewhat lined.

"Hello, Fräulein Greta," Eddie said with a sigh.

Glaring at him, the woman put her hands on her hips. "Edvard Davis Scott! Vhat are you doing here?"

"Uh, you see-"

"You uncle vanted you to make your ovn vay in ze vorld, _ja_? _Und_ here you are again! Vhat about ze job as ze delivery boy? You quit it?"

"Look, I met this guy and we hook-"

" _Nein_! _Nein_! I von't here zis! You _und_ a guy? And vhat is zat girl here for? Vhat is her name?"

"I'm Columbia, his girlfriend," I explained.  
"'Columbia'! Ach! In ze old country ve never had names like zat!" Fräulein Greta said darkly.

"Vhat is going on here?" said a voice I didn't know.

We turned around to see a man- only a decade or so older than Fräulein Greta- in a wheelchair. He looked rather angry.

"Vhat are you doing here Eddie?" the man said unhappily.

"I met this guy, and then got stuck at this castle he owns and met Columbia… well, it's a very long story."

"Vho is zat girl?" the man said, pointing at me.

"I'm his, er, girlfriend. I was being kept prisoner at the castle and Eddie helped me escape," I told them.

"Vhat a nice zing to do! Und how _romantic_! Like ze Märchen ve read as children in ze old country, ja?" Fräulein Greta said dreamily.

"I _suppose_ so," I replied skeptically.

"Ja, ja! You vill stay here now, Columbia? Ve must get to know you," said the man in the wheelchair.

"Yes. And I must get to know you," I said, hoping it was the right thing to say.

" _Ich heiß Doktor von_ … ach! I _mean_ _t_ zat my name is Dr. Everett Scott."

"Right," I muttered, wondering what his real name was.

" _Fräulein Greta, nehmen sie in den Gästezimmern_ ,"

" _Ja, herr,_ " Fräulein Greta replied with a nod.

Then, Dr. Scott left the room. I wished I knew how to speak German and hoped Eddie did. Thankfully he knew German well… or, at least, well enough to know what they'd said.

"What did they just say?" I whispered to Eddie.

"He told her to show us to the guest rooms. There used to be only one guest room. Probably made my ol' room into a guest room," he muttered in reply.

"Vhat are you youngsters vhispering about? Come along, now!" Fräulein Greta said.

So, we followed her up the stairs. It wasn't too long before we stood in the

"Zere are _zwei_ rooms," Fräulein Greta told us. " _Und_ you must not share a room. Ve don't vant trouble, _ja_?"

"Er… _nein_ , we don't want trouble," I replied awkwardly.

Fräulein Greta raised a thin eyebrow. "Your pronunciation needs practice, _Mädel_ _._ But I think you vill learn soon enough."

"Right."

And then, Fräulein Greta left.

"What the hell was all that about? Why are they all Germans?" I asked Eddie, a bit wildly.

"It's better than aliens," he reminded me. "And none of them are actually Nazis… I'm pretty sure."

I sighed. "How long will we be here?"

"No idea. But I'm pretty sure my uncle will wanna get rid o' me soon enough."

That's when we got went to our rooms. I promised to go sleep in his room. Sneaking into there would be easy, apparently. His uncle and Fräulein Greta fall asleep no later than thirty minutes after dinner. And they rarely visit this wing of the house.

Anyway, there's no way in hell I'm sleeping in house owned by crazy ex-Nazis without Eddie's arms around me.

Whoa, that sounded _weird_.

So, to summarize the second half of today: we escaped the castle, then hitchhiked into town, and _then_ got stuck in a house full of crazy German people.

At least it's better than a house full of crazy aliens… or so I hope!

Oh dear. Eddie just told me that it's time for dinner, now.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **A/N: I used Google Translate for ze German. I'm sorry if it's all wrong.**

 **Please Review!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: According to Google Translate (which isn't the best source, I admit), 'Schlampe _'_ means 'slut' and 'Arschloch' means 'asshole'. So you can probably guess who Fräulein Greta is referring to...**

 **And, in case anyone was wondering, Herr Braune is indeed a tribute of sorts to Doc Brown from _Back to the Future_. I couldn't help but think how amusing it would be... especially since Doc always says 'Great Scott!'. **

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Thursday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Today, I woke up to the sound of Fräulein Greta shouting. Being back at the castle momentarily sounded good compared to this nonsense.

"You are almost as bad as zat ex-student of Dr. Scott's! Looks at zat _Arschloch_ of a boyfriend of her's all vrong. Zat _Schlampe_ isn't ze sort of person anyvone should to be like. She pretends to be all innocent _und_ good, but really she isn't!" the dreadful woman shrieked.

Eddie rolled his eyes. "We didn't do anythin', ya know. The sheets aren't even messed up."

" _And_ they aren't all dirty. They would be if we'd actually done something. Anyway, our clothes aren't off!" I pointed out.

You see, I was trying to upset her. My reasoning at that point was that she annoyed me, so I deserved 'revenge'. And it worked...

" _Nein_! _Nein_! I von't here dirty zings out of your mouz!" Fräulein Greta wailed miserably.

I rolled my eyes.

Thankfully, she then left the room. A moment later I did too. I need to get dressed, and I'd found women's clothes only size or two too big in the other room's closet. That's where I'd gotten those faded grey pinstriped pajamas I'd worn last night.

Though those outfits weren't glittery and bright like my own, they'd do.

Most of them looked like something my mother might've worn. Prim wool pencil skirts… high-collared button down blouses… skin-tone stockings… stylish jackets with pretty buttons…

Awfully silly, the lot of it.

Soon enough I decided on an outfit. It consisted of a pink-and-white vertically striped blouse; a dark grey pencil skirt; and a button-down sweater the exact same color as the skirt. I didn't wear any stockings since they looked rather silly. And it's 1974, not the '50s!

After getting dressed I went back to Eddie's room.

He was already dressed. Somehow, he managed to find clothes that looked like the sort he always wore. I asked him how he'd found such clothes.

"This is my old room, ya know," he said. "So all my clothes are in the closet. O' course there all in boxes, but at least I found something to wear."

That's when I noticed a few cardboard boxes- overflowing with various items of clothing- in the corner of the room. Lucky him!

By then, the digital watch he'd found on the bedside table read 9:45. So we went downstairs in search of breakfast and Eddie's uncle.

"He might be at work by now," Eddie said as we walked down the stairs.

"What does he do, again?"

"Well, he works as a teacher at Denton High School. An' sometimes he teaches college level classes for people to retake. That's usually in the summer," he explained.

We soon found ourselves standing in the hallway just outside the kitchen. To my horror, I could hear Fräulein Greta ranting furiously about something. It was in German, of course, so I didn't understand a word of it. Once or twice I heard a male voice (that I didn't recognize) say something in reply.

"What's she saying?" I whispered to Eddie.

"You don't wanna know. Most of it seems to involve how much _she_ doesn't like you," he replied wearily.

I was used to people saying awful things about me, of course. Not that I liked to here them, of course. So I avoided asking any more questions about her. Yet I couldn't help but wonder who that

"Who's the other person? The guy who she's talking to?" I asked.

"I'm guessin' that's Emil Braune. He's my uncle's best friend and assistant. Drives him around and stuff. They've known each other since they used to live in Germany all those years ago," Eddie replied.

I raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure they aren't gay lovers?"

"Yeah, I'm _very_ sure. Don't say anythin' like that in front of my uncle. It's a shock they let us stay here last night!"

At that moment, the door was opened by a man only slightly older than Eddie's uncle. His hair wasn't grey, like Dr. Scott's. No, it was white and stuck out a bit. He wore a ridiculous lab coat over a perfectly ordinary suit.

"Great Scott! What are you doing out here, Eddie?" the man said, in a perfectly American accent.

"Well, Herr Braune, we were lookin' for breakfast. But then we heard Fräulein Greta shouting and decided to wait here for a minute," Eddie explained.

"Ah! Well, we're having pancakes for breakfast. Fräulein Greta was just mixing the batter… right?"

" _J_ _a! Ja!_ I vas! I vas!" came the unhappy reply.

And so, we had pancakes for breakfast. They weren't as good as pancakes Magenta cooks. In fact, they were hardly even as good as scrambled eggs that Mags cooked! I was beginning to miss the castle, to my horror.

Anyway, once we'd eaten breakfast, we went to speak with Eddie's uncle. Apparently he'd taken the day off because of all this.

According to _Herr_ Braune, we were supposed to meet him in the study. Thankfully Eddie knew where that was.

Whatever.

And so, we went to the study. There, at the desk, Eddie's uncle was looking through some papers. I soon realized that they were school assignments of some kind. He appeared to be grading multiple-choice tests.

Eddie cleared his throat. "Uh, Uncle Everett."

At the sound of his nephew's voice, the man looked up. " _Ja_?"

"Herr Braune said you wanted to see us…"

Dr. Scott nodded. "Ja. I vanted to ask you about all zat's happened the last few veeks. Vhere have you been _und_ everyzing."

So, Eddie began to tell the story. "Well… I had to deliver pizza to this one hotel room. Somehow I ended up eatin' dinner with the guy who'd ordered the pizza and _then_ …"

As he told more and more of the story I zoned out. Even his uncle looked bored by it.

Then, almost too late, I realized that if he told his uncle about the castle, then they might send someone out to find it… and then Mags might go to prison or something.

"And the guy apparently lives in this castle, so-"

I kicked him in the shins.

"Ow! What was that for?" Eddie asked, quite unhappily.

"We can't let him hear about the castle," I whispered in his ear.

"Why?"

"Think of what might happen to Magenta! At this point I'm sure she wanted to help us leave, and only locked us in that room because she knew we'd be able to escape!"

Eddie stared at me in blank confusion. "Huh? How does that make any sense?"

"Well, you see…" I then realized that Eddie's uncle looked very suspicious of us. Oh dear, he could probably hear half of what we were saying…

"I'll explain later!" I whispered.

Thankfully, Eddie refused to answer any more of his uncle's questions. Soon enough we went back to his room to discuss everything. Somehow we managed to not encounter Fräulein Greta _or_ Herr Braune as we walked through halls and up stairs.

"So… can ya explain now?" Eddie asked.

"I've figured it all out. Magenta was trying to help us escape _and_ keep us from going back. That second door out of the room she locked us in _doesn't have a lock_. It only took us a few hours to figure a way out!"

Eddie still didn't seem to believe me. "But why not just show us the way out?"

"Because it would look suspicious. Magenta isn't the self-sacrificing sort. She could easily explained to Frank that she'd tried to lock us somewhere less pleasant," I explained. "And, now that I think about it, she sort of reenacted the famous short story _The Cask Of Amontillado._ That's a story of revenge! So, she's taking revenge on Frank- by helping us escape the dungeon- and, on a less symbolic level, it looks like she's taking revenge on us by locking us in an awfully dark room! So Frank won't suspect her! Come on, we were wearing motley and drinking wine mentioned in that story!"

"Why do ya all get to be so clever about things?" Eddie muttered, after a moment. "With all that symbolism an' revenge an'-"

Unfortunately, Fräulein Greta then showed up the door. Apparently it was time for lunch.

Lunch was uncomfortable- to say the _least_. I couldn't bring myself to eat, for one thing. Magenta's cooking is way better than Fräulein Greta's. And now I've figured out she never did anything to hurt me! Oh, how I keep wishing that I could be back in my own room, staring at the posters on the walls.

The castle really is my home.

Once lunch was over, I went to the study in search of a book to read. I was hoping for an old favorite, hopefully a 19th Century Gothic Novel.

I looked for everything from _Carmilla_ to _Wuthering Heights,_ from _Dracula_ to _The Picture of Dorian Gray_!

Nothing.

The only classic fiction I found was by Jane bloody Austen. I tried reading _Northanger Abbey,_ but it mocked my favorite genre far too much.

I spent the rest of the afternoon wishing I had my tap shoes and a place to practice. For some reason, I'm starting to miss the castle. Or maybe I'm just seeing it as the lesser of two evils? I'd take crazy aliens over crazy ex-Nazis any day!

Not that Dr. 'von' Scott (as I've been mentally referring to him as) is actually an ex-Nazi, I think. He works for the US government for some reason. He does something involving paperclips…

Whatever.

For dinner we had this spicy, red Hungarian stew called goulash. Fräulein Greta seemed very proud of her cooking, to my amusement. I didn't say anything nasty because it wasn't that bad. It was better than breakfast, at least. Mags could probably change the recipe around and make it a thousand times better.

I wish I were back at the castle. That's my real home.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **A/N: I was reading the TV Tropes page for _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ when I came across mention of something called 'Operation Paperclip'. That was when the American government began recruiting Nazi scientists right after the war ended (the Soviets did the same thing). One of the people on TV Tropes said something about Dr. Scott probably being one of those scientists. **

**That's why Dr. 'von' Scott apparently 'does something involving paperclips'. Columbia heard someone say something about Operation Paperclip and misunderstood.**

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 **Please Review!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I son't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

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 **A/N: Hopefully this isn't too crazy. My other stories never had 'proper' antagonists in them, and that's why they weren't very good.**

 **The reason I mentioned the song _Space Oddity_ is that I was listening to it as I typed. Anyway, that song really fit that part of the story. Plus it's a great (though terribly sad) song. Look it up! I'm sure it's on YouTube. **

**And, if you know the Kander & Ebb musical _Cabaret,_ then you'll find some spoilers in this chapter... **

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Friday, March/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Today was _very_ interesting.

Well... the first half was. It's not even _near_ lunchtime at the time of this writing, but enough insanity to fill up two 'normal' days has already happened!

I awoke to the sound of something hitting the bedroom window. After a moment I got out of bed, put on a dressing gown, and walked over to see what it was. By then Eddie was still asleep.

The very second I moved the curtain aside I saw a very strange young man standing in the middle of the front yard throwing pebbles. He wore a glittery t-shirt, a black leather jacket, jeans, and hand-sequined combat boots. For _some_ reason, his otherwise dark brown hair had a few streaks of electric blue in it.

As soon as he noticed me, he stopped with the pebbles.

So, I opened the window.

"WHO THE _HELL_ ARE YOU?" I shouted.

"I WAS WONDERING THE SAME THING!" he replied.

Rolling my eyes, I left the room and ran all the way down the stairs to meet the strange person. Thank God for that dressing gown I'd found, because I always take far too long to get dressed. By the time I got to the front yard he was still standing there quite cheerfully.

"Will you please explain who you are?" I asked, arms crossed.

He rolled his eyes. "There's not much to explain about me. My name is Winslow. I'm an old friend of Eddie Scott, you see. Since you were in his bedroom a few minutes ago, I'd say you know each other...?"

"Of course I know him. I'm his girlfriend," I replied unhappily.

"Whoa. I'm, like, his best friend and I didn't know about you! His girfriend, eh? And I thought he was gay! How did I miss this?"

"Um, a lot has happened lately. I'm sure he'll explain."

"There really must be a lot going on. Like, trouble. This morning I overheard two guys talkin' about Eddie. And a gal named 'Columbia' or somethin'."

At that, my face paled. "What sort of guys? And what were they talking about?"

"I think they said that there's a contest or something going on. The old Queen- whoever that is- apparently thinks you guys know some sort of secret. So she's sent those two guys after ya. And there's a dude named Lordy who's also looking for you two. I think there's a reward..."

"Oh my god..." I muttered.

Clearly, we knew enough about Frank that they saw us as a threat. And apparently at least two groups were after us. From what little I'd heard, De Lordy never worked alone. Too lazy.

That's when we heard the crash.

It all happened pretty fast, so I'm still not exactly sure what happened. I'll try to write it all step by step.

Okay...

What set it off was the crash. Somebody shot the window of Eddie's bedroom, shattering the glass. Though I didn't know it just then, Eddie wasn't even in the room at that point.

After that, two men in peculiarly clean pinstriped business suits appeared out of the hedges that surrounded us. One- the stupider, stronger one- tried to grab me, but Winslow tripped him.

The shorter, cleverer of the two men in suits just stood there shouting: "Your a damn fool, Mister Rosencrantz!"

And _then_ Mr. Braune drove a minivan out of the garage. Before I could think of protesting- or doing anything, for that matter- someone opened the door of the van, grabbed me, and dragged me into the back seat. That person happened to be Eddie. Hardly a second later, Winslow also jumped into the van.

As we drove away, I heard Mister Rosencrantz loudly saying: " _Now_ what do I do, Mister Guildenstern?"

After we'd been driving for a while, we all finally caught our breath. Though I suppose only Winslow and I had needed to catch our breaths. Eddie looked pretty calm, all things considered. And Mr. Braune seemed like he did this sort of thing every day.

"Why are _they_ after us?" Winslow asked, looking freaked out.

"Well, they're-" I began to say… then, suddenly, I paused. "What do you mean, 'us'?"

Winslow grinned. "I _mean_ we're a team. We four are working together to escape from those people who are after us until we can beat them in a badass fight later on. It's like in the pictures!"

"Can't we just go back to the castle?" I asked, not caring that Winslow and Mr. Braune weren't supposed to know about it.

"Um, we've been driving the wrong way for far too long at this point," Eddie pointed out.

It was about then that I dimly realized that the radio was playing rather loudly. So Mr. Braune probably couldn't hear the conversation going on in the backseat. The song that played at that very moment had a sort of melancholy to it.

"What's the song that's playing?" I asked.

" _Space Oddity,_ by David Bowie," Winslow explained happily.

"Oh. It's… nice." Though I said that, it wasn't.

That song was so very depressing. Chilling. Being about a fictional failed voyage into space, I suppose that it shouldn't be cheerful. Now that I think about it, listening to a song like that isn't a good way to begin a somewhat dangerous trip like ours. Bad luck, isn't it?

Let's hope we survive our journey (unlike the song's 'Major Tom').

Oh, that was a depressing thing to write. Anyway…

After we'd been driving for a while, we stopped on the side of the road. It's not like Mister Rosencrantz and Mister Guildenstern were actually following us after we'd left Denton. And we needed to plan on what to do next.

"For one thing, we need fake names," I said.

"Why?" Winslow asked.

"Because they're looking for 'Columbia' and 'Eddie Scott'. I'm pretty sure de Lordy doesn't actually know what any of us looks like," I explained.

"Yet we still might want to dye your hair back to whatever color it naturally is. Everyone who meets you remembers the pink hair," Eddie pointed out.

I sighed. "Fine. But first we need new names. New names _and_ new identities!"

That took a while. For one thing, Winslow kept thinking of crazy names that sounded like rock bands (and, indeed, often were stolen from them).

In the end I became Sally Ross- the girlfriend of Lucas Bradshaw (Eddie). Christopher Bradshaw/Mr. Braune thought of that one. Crazy old guy apparently knew a 'lovely young girl' called that. Much to my amusement, Christopher Bradshaw was quite happy to be the 'father' of Lucas/Eddie. Strangely, he didn't seem so happy about being dad to Martin 'Marty' Bradshaw. I guess it's because he doesn't know Martin/Winslow very well.

We spent the next few hours inventing back-stories. Since I'm not part of the newly-invented Bradshaw family, I zoned out for most of that.

It was around then that Eddie returned this diary to me. Yay!

I'll write more later. That's all that's happened today _and_ Mr. Bradshaw says we're getting breakfast now. Even food a thousand times worse than Fräulein Greta's cooking would seem good at the moment. I'm famished!

\- Columbia (a groupie)/Sally Ross

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 **Please Review!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: This is turning into a much longer story than originally intended. I hope it still makes sense. And that it's in character.**

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Friday, ?/?/1974 ( _in the evening_ )

Dear Diary,

So… I've been looking back on other entries and I realize that it's probably not March anymore. It's been March for nearly three weeks. And I don't think I learned it was March in the first week of March.

Wow, that was irrelevant.

And a waste of paper! Today has been insanely eventful and full of general weirdness. Though I guess that's pretty normal these days. Unfortunately for me, all that takes up paper. Soon enough I'll need to buy another journal. Well, not too soon. But if all this keeps going I'll be buying another book to write in, in at least another month or so!

AHH! I'm using up space by saying all that!

I'll start pretty much where I left off… as I finished my last entry; we all got in the van. Then, we drove down the empty highway. The lack of visible civilization was almost eerie.

Thankfully, we soon came across a town.

It looked pretty much like Denton. A little downtown area, rows of identical little houses, snobby conservative bastards everywhere…

Anyway, we found a little café in the downtown area pretty quickly. Mr. Bradshaw apparently keeps a lot of random supplies in his van. That, of course, includes quite a bit of money. It's like that storage-chest-thingy is bigger on the inside, I swear.

For breakfast we all ate various pastries. Mostly those lovely chocolate croissants (plus a few of a more plain, bland persuasion).

After that we bought some things at the town's supermarket. We really did need nonperishable foods for our so-called 'adventure'. This supposedly wide category mainly consisted of canned soup, crackers, and the most _peculiar_ salmon jerky. Mr. Bradshaw claimed to have a portable stove of some kind. Judging by all the random things in his van, this was true.

Then, we went to the laundry mat. At first I wasn't really sure why. Soon enough, however, I learned the rather criminal reason. You see, Mr. Bradshaw has a talent for talking people into things. And it hardly took any effort to convince the girl supervising the place that very many items of clothing there belonged to us.

It was at this point I realized that I still wore dull gray pajamas and a somewhat tattered dressing gown. Though I soon changed into one of the outfits we'd acquired. Though a bit plain, the knee-length bright pink skirt looked nice enough. And the glittery t-shirt fitted me well enough.

Maybe people in boring conservative towns actually aren't boring. Well, some of them. Going by the clothes we stole, few of them aren't boring.

Only now does it occur to me that we're running from aliens _and_ the law at this point.

Oh well…

After that, we quietly left that town. We didn't want the police to find out about the stolen clothes while we were still there.

Now that I think about it, I've never done anything illegal. Except drink underage. But that wasn't too bad, since I didn't really do that as much as the bands themselves. Plus, I never got addicted o any of it. And the drugs don't count, since they're legal on the planet Transsexual, of the galaxy Transylvania. I only ever did drugs at the castle. Since the castle is, technically speaking, part of that planet (it belongs to their government) it wasn't illegal. It's like how embassies are part of the country they technically belong to.

Anyway… after we left that town, we drove for ages and ages. We were in the middle of nowhere when Mr. Bradshaw stopped the van.

"Why stop here? In the middle of nowhere?" I asked.

"Haven't you been listening to anything we've said?" Martin/Winslow replied, rather bitter for some reason.

Eddie/Lucas sighed dramatically. "We aren't going to stay in any town for a while. They'll find us to easily. So, we'll sleep in the van."

"There's enough room," Mr. Bradshaw added with a lighthearted laugh.

"Not _that_ much room," I muttered under my breath.

Luckily, Mr. Bradshaw had somehow altered the interior of the bizarre van so that all the seats except the driver's could be removed. Though I had a feeling that they couldn't be put back in later.

Not that it mattered. We left the car's seats where we'd parked and drove away. The place we ended up really stopping at was equally remote. Not the slightest proof of civilization in sight. The forest that happened to be right next to the road only made it all even more eerie.

"It's alright," Eddie whispered as we stood next to the car.

Everyone was too nervous to be hungry, so we weren't going to eat dinner. We stood outside the van so that Mr. Bradshaw could set up our beds and everything.

As Eddie, Martin/Winslow, and I stood there we didn't speak. I guess it was out of nervousness. Yet silence seemed to make matters worse!

"So…" I said. "I hope we all don't ave to sleep, er, too near each other."

Martin/Winslow gave me a look of confusion. "What?"

When I'm nervous I say weird stuff. Um, sorry," I replied.

"Why not? Why don't you want to sleep near anyone else?" Eddie asked.

"Well, it's just awkward. I guess I just don't want to sleep too near Winslow- no offence; it's just that I'm dating Eddie and everything. And, for once, I'm trying out a proper relationship," I explained, rolling my eyes.

Again, Winslow/Martin looked confused. "What do you mean 'proper relationship'?"

"Relationship in which both people actually care about each other. Where I'm not just a pretty face and a 'screw-buddy' for five or so guys. No more drowning my sorrows in the twisted world of Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll. Something I've never had before." By then, I was crying.

Pathetic.

"Ah. So you were a groupie." Suddenly, Martin/Winslow had no respect for me.

Thankfully, that was when Mr. Bradshaw came to fetch us. Our beds were ready for us.

"If you kids don't want dinner, we can all just get dressed now," he said cheerfully.

"Fine," I muttered.

The three of us followed Mr. Bradshaw into the van. Luckily, the three makeshift beds in the back of the van weren't too near each other. Mr. Bradshaw's bed was by the front seat.

It reminded me of the time I'd gone camping with my older sister Agnes. I was just a kid then. Only in middle school or something.

Of course, it had just been the two of us. And, at age, 12, I was weirded out by getting dressed in front of other people. How innocent I was in those days!

Between being a groupie for egotistical rock bands with no sense of personal space and living at the camera-filled castle, I've sort of given up on modesty. Yet I really didn't like the way Winslow looked at me when I changed into stolen pajamas. Mr. Bradshaw was outside at that point and Eddie looked away. But that creep named Winslow/Martin just stared at me. I think he was doing that on purpose, to scare me.

How can Eddie be a friend to a guy like that?

Anyway, I'm in my sleeping bag right now. Writing this by flashlight.

These beds are mad of sleeping bags with extra blankets and a pillow for each of us. It's all very organized. Everything seems perfectly planned out.

I wonder why Mr. Bradshaw had all this stuff prepared. Was he planning to run away or something? He can't have known that the old Queen planned to send people after us. And how would he even know about her, or De Lordy? Something tells me that he's packed up the car for a different reason. And that's he's been preparing for some sort of trip for a long, long time.

But why?

Hopefully I'll found out tomorrow.

\- Columbia (a groupie)/Sally Ross

* * *

 **Please Review!**

 **(And thanks to those who already did, earlier!)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ Or _Revenge of the Old Queen_ (more and more characters/ideas are coming from that).**

 **A/N: Is this getting too weird? People were reviewing... and then just stopped.**

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 **"Out of Universe" Explanations For Names:**

 **'Winslow' is named after the Phantom from _The Phantom of the Paradise,_ though not really for any reason important at this point in time. I just thought the name fit. His alias, 'Martin', is reference to Martin 'Marty' McFly wasn't related to Doc Brown, though saw him as a father figure in some ways. Winslow/Martin isn't actually related to Mr. Bradshaw, but must pretend that he is. **

**In the stage musical _Cabaret_ , based on short stories by Christopher Isherwood, Sally Bowles is a nightclub singer in 1930s Berlin. The musical's protagonist, an American wannabe-writer named Cliff Bradshaw, falls for her. When she aborts their baby so that she can continue her decadent partying lifestyle, he leaves the country (Germany) without her. The person who Isherwood reportedly based the character 'Sally' on was named Jean Ross.**

 **That musical's plot might have something to do with a few backstories...**

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Saturday, ?/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Like yesterday, I awoke to a sound that initially confused me.

It happened to be a hushed argument of some kind. Since Winslow/Martin and Eddie weren't in their sleeping bags, I correctly guessed that it was between them. Right outside the van. Though I couldn't hear much of it, it seemed to involve the people chasing us.

 _"-and now they're after me_!" That was the voice of Winslow/Martin.

" _So we've got aliens, cops, and_ his _people_ _after us_?"

I wondered whom they were talking about. Unfortunately, I couldn't hear the rest of the conversation because Mr. Bradshaw choose that exact moment to enter the van from the door opposite the one I was listening to the conversation through. He immediately began talking to me.

"I've got to plan out the rest of the journey. That means I need as much information as possible on this queen everyone's been talking about and… what's his name? Lordy?"

"De Lordy," I corrected unhappily.

"Right. Tell me everything you know about what his next move might be," Mr. Bradshaw said, holding the pencil just above the paper.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Do you think he'll try to follow us or… whatever. I'm a bit out of practice when it comes to strategic planning, of course. But any information will help. For one thing, what does the so-called queen want with you?"

I sighed, knowing that he probably wouldn't believe a word. "She's the Queen of the planet Transsexual in the galaxy Transylvania. That's not to far away, since Transylvania is just their name for our galaxy… I'm pretty sure. By living with her son for at least six months, I learned all sorts of top-secret stuff about their planet. Since they haven't made official First Contact with Earth's government, nobody is supposed to know about them.

"The prince, of course, likes taking in earthling companions. Most of the time that means a cute girl he picked up at a bar or something. As long as they never leave his Mother never gets involved or anything. I'm pretty sure that Eddie and I are the only ones who've escaped instead of died. So we could potentially tell the whole world about the secrets. The fact that Eddie's uncle works for the government only makes matters worse.

"Lord Dominus de Lordy is the Queen's first cousin. He's a lazy, fat bastard with no sense of style that'd do nearly anything to be on her 'good' side. No sane being would trust him for any reason. Somehow he's got the impression that she might name him heir to the throne. I doubt she will. Though I think that whoever kills us and brings our very-dead corpses to the queen is set to collect a large monetary reward. From what I know, Transylvanians are very bad at blending in and not looking crazy. Fishnets and corsets are worn by pretty much everyone who's upper class, and I'd bet the lower classes are equally outlandish. But after meeting Rosencrantz and Guildenstern they might be a bit saner than I once believed."

Mr. Bradshaw wrote all this down in some sort of code. The fact that I couldn't read it made me nervous.

At about that point I realized that his hair wasn't stark white anymore and it hardly stuck out at all. Now it was a dark brown color with a few streaks of grey here and there. Today he looked much younger. As if the wrinkled face was just a mask or something!

"How old are you?" I asked him.

"Not a day over 44," he replied cheerfully.

"I thought you were older than Dr. Scott," I said.

"No. He's only a bit older than 50, though. Younger than he looks. I just pretend to be older so that, er… so that I get more respect. A guy of 50-something is seen as smarter and everything. Since I haven't got the same education as Dr. Scott, people think I'm less intelligent," he explained.

It sounded like mostly lies. Something really bothers me about Mr. Bradshaw. I'd bet he's not German (like everyone else who lives with Eddie's Uncle), for one thing. Actually, I _know_ he's not German. But I'll get to that later…

At that moment, Eddie opened the van door.

"Do ya know when breakfast is?" he asked.

Mr. Bradshaw chuckled. "Breakfast is whenever anyone wants it, you know. Today we can eat some of the salmon jerky."

"Right," Eddie replied.

And so, we all ate some of the salmon. For some reason Mr. Bradshaw only let us eat a small amount. I guess he wanted to save most of it in case we didn't get around to grocery shopping again soon.

If Winslow/Martin hadn't seemed so angry, I would've asked he or Eddie what they'd been talking about earlier. Since I'd only heard a bit of their conversation, I was quite curious. It sounded important.

Whatever.

Once we'd all eaten, it was time for planning.

"So, we've got to plan out our entire route. And figure out any places where we can stop without being betrayed. Plus, we'll need a few designated areas to all go in case we get separated," Mr. Bradshaw explained, grinning happily.

What a weirdo. He likes 'adventuring' far too much.

"Are we just going to keep running from them?" I asked, very worried.

"We'll have to confront them at some point," Eddie pointed out.

"And, when we do confront them, what do we do? I doubt that these crazy outer-space guys know how to fight with switchblades. And I'm _not_ gonna fight with anything else!" Winslow/Martin added darkly.

Mr. Bradshaw chuckled nervously. "Er… I'm sure we'll figure all that out later. We need to write out the basic route now. Do you kids have any ideas on where to plan to stop? Any family friends? I've already got a few ideas."

"Well, there's always my Granny's house," I said thoughtfully.

Eddie stared at me in confusion. "You have a granny?"

"Technically everyone has a granny!" Winslow/Martin muttered bitterly, for no good reason.

I rolled my eyes. "My Granny is the last person in my family that I spoke to before I ran away. She's the only person in my family who always supported me. Of course, she doesn't know about all that's happened… but she was a flapper in her youth. All those stories about bootleg gin…"

"Where does this grandmother o' yours live?" Eddie asked.

"Um… just outside Washington, DC. In Maryland… or maybe northern Virginia…." I replied thoughtfully.

"I've got an ally in DC," Mr. Bradshaw said thoughtfully.

And _then_ it was decided.

We now plan to drive to Washington DC. To everyone that seemed pretty safe. According to Mr. Bradshaw, that should take about six hours. Hopefully Granny will be ready for us.

So we spent the rest of the morning driving.

Currently, we're sitting outside the van eating lunch. That happens to be soup we heated up with the portable stove. We're in the middle of nowhere again.

Apparently we'll stop be in DC by four this afternoon. We've still got a lot of driving left to do, of course. Can't wait to see civilization again!

\- Columbia (a groupie)/Sally Ross

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ If only...**

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 _ **To the last chapter's**_ ** _reviewer_ : I'm sorry to say that Frank won't show up again for a while. But he will become important again by the story's climax. **

**By the way, I'm glad people don't think this is too weird!**

* * *

 **A/N: I hope that the 'crazy granny who swears a lot' doesn't bother people.**

 **Also, the main reason it says that they "** almost run over a random dude (who looked way too much like Frank) outside a cinema on E Street **"** **is that my 'local' theater that shows _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ happens to be the E Street Cinema in Washington, DC. And I _do_ know that it didn't start showing _Rocky Horror_ there until the mid-2000s. **

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Saturday, April/6/1974

Dear Diary,

At the time of this writing, it's nearly 9 at night. That's not very late, I suppose. At least not too much weirdness happened today (going by our now normal standards). I'll start writing about thing that happened around 4 o'clock this afternoon...

When we got to Washington, DC it was still perfectly light outside. I haven't been there in ages, but we didn't have time to sightsee. The last city I'd been in was New York.

Before Mr. Bradshaw realized that my Granny didn't live in the city itself, we managed to: mistake a Mormon temple for the Emerald City from afar, get stuck in a few truly evil traffic circles, and almost run over a random dude (who looked way too much like Frank) outside a cinema on E Street.

Once we'd figured out that we were in the wrong place, we quickly drove to a county Mclean. That's where my Granny _really_ lives.

I led Mr. Bradshaw to her house street-by-street. It didn't take too long, though Winslow/Martin constantly complained. That annoyed everyone.

 _Anyway_ , we soon found our way to Granny's house.

"I'll go to the door. She is _my_ Granny," I told them, as we parked down the street from her house.

Eddie rolled his eyes at the look of determination on my face. Winslow/Martin, on the other hand, just scowled. Wasn't he a grumpy little bastard!

"Fine," said Mr. Bradshaw, in a petty tone that bordered on childish.

And so, I got out of the car. With increasing excitement I walked toward the familiar one-story brick house. God, I hadn't seen Granny in ages! My parents blamed her for my sister Agnes' so-called 'plight'. It's probably because of her youthful years of jazz clubs, dancing, and bathtub gin (oh my!).

Grinning a bit madly, I ran up to the door and knocked on it with ridiculous enthusiasm.

Through it I heard a familiar voice shout: "If it's one o' ya damned kids again, I'm calling the police!"

Yeah, that's my Granny!

And then she opened the door. Though she wore a flowery, frumpy, old lady dress; around her thin neck she'd draped a sequin-covered scarf. And her shoes had rhinestones glued to them.

"Who the hell are you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's me… Laurie," I explained with a sad smile. "I've dyed my hair and everything since you last saw me."

Suddenly, her eyes lit up with joyful recognition. "Oh, I shoulda known! A couple a' years ago your our ma told me you'd run off. Stupid bitch thought you'd died… or maybe wished you'd died. Whatever! I'm glad to see ya, honey!"

To my horror, I began to cry as she hugged me.

"Aw, don't cry… come on inside! I'll get ya a spot o' tea and we can catch up!" Granny said with a kindly smile.

I nearly forgot the reason I was there as I followed her into the kitchen. It looked just like it always did. From the Christmas-Card Bulletin Board to the strange classical-style sculpture of a topless goddess… I knew the place by heart!

"Why are ya here, kiddo?" Granny asked, as she put a kettle on to boil.

"Its a very long, very hard to believe story," I replied. "But, most importantly, we're kinda on the run from police, aliens, and at least one other group. We need a place to stay for a while. You're trustable _and_ probably have enough room. I think we can later-"

"'We'?"

"Well… three friends and I. The others are in a van down the street," I explained nervously.

Granny stared thoughtfully at me for a while, then said: "Hmm!"

"Will please you help?" I asked her. To my annoyance, my tone of voice made me sound like I was begging.

Still, Granny had that contemplated look on her face. "Maybe… I'd first like ta meet these kids!"

"Okay."

And so, I led her to the van. My heart pounded with strange fearfulness. Why should I freak out? Granny is so open-minded that it's scary. She'd probably even get along with Frank!

When we got there, Winslow/Martin looked even more infuriated than before. Even Eddie and Mr. Bradshaw seemed a bit annoyed. I wasn't gone that long… was I?

Mr. Bradshaw smiled when he saw us. "Hello! My name is Christopher Bradshaw. This is my son Edd- er, Lucas. And my, um, other son… Martin!"

At this, I rolled my eyes. "We can use our real names with her. She's my perfectly trustable grandmother, okay? So… Granny, meet Eddie Scott- my boyfriend- and Winslow. Everyone else, this is my Granny, Millie Dennis."

"Call me Gran, dears. If ya piss me off, however, I might make you call me 'Mrs. Dennis'. Okay?"

Everyone seemed too shocked by her foul language to reply.

"Is she always like that?" Eddie whispered to me.

"Yeah," I replied.

We stood there in an awfully awkward silence for a moment. Granny was the first to speak, of _course_.

"Oh _shit_! I left the stove on!" she shrieked.

Then, she ran back to the house. A moment later we followed her. Winslow/Martin didn't seem so grumpy now. I suppose that he was too busy being surprised by Granny's craziness to be in a bad mood. Thank God for that!

When we got to the kitchen, we were all glad to see that she hadn't burned the kitchen down or anything. Nothing was even slightly out of place. Anyway, the tea was ready!

We drank the tea (Earl Grey), and chatted aimlessly. Everyone- including Mr. Bradshaw- seemed to think that my Granny was pretty cool. She's really not anything like 'old people' often are!

After a lot of pointless chatter, we finally began to talk about important stuff. By then it was six or so in the evening.

"So, you kids wanna stay here for a while?" Granny asked.

"Yeah… we need a place to crash for some time," Eddie confirmed.

"Hmm. Well, sonny, I've got two guest rooms and a living room couch. If Laurie and you sleep in one bedroom, with Bradshaw in the other… and Window sleepin' on the couch… you'll all fit!"

"It's 'Winslow' _,_ not ' _Window'_ ," the poor guy muttered bitterly.

We all ignored him.

"Wait…" Eddie said, after a moment. "Why are ya lettin' my girl and I sleep in the same room?"

"Isn't it obvious, sonny? I want you kids to be able to get laid before you fight those alien bastards and shit," Granny replied cheerfully.

"Wow," Eddie muttered, his eyes wide.

I have a feeling that no adult he'd ever met had approved of sex outside of marriage- let alone _encouraged_ it so nonchalantly! That (and the excessive swearing) seemed to creep out everyone in the room. Well, _almost_ everyone. I'm a bit more used to Granny's 'anything goes' approach to the universe.

So, with all that figured out, we began to unpack. That basically meant 'put all the stolen clothes in our new rooms'. Though nobody said anything, I'm pretty sure Granny knew we'd stolen the clothes. Since she liked being a rebel (even at age 76), it didn't upset her at all. If I had kids I'd keep them away from her until they were old enough to know when _not_ to listen to her.

Yeah, I see why my parents didn't like her near my sisters and me.

Anyway, it was about 7 o'clock when we finished. So, Granny heated up some canned soup (since she never learned to cook) and we ate that. She also got out a bottle of beer for each of us. Because all of us are old enough to drink, Mr. Bradshaw technically couldn't stop any of us from drinking. And he didn't have the energy to argue.

Since I'm pretty used to alcohol, I didn't end up intoxicated. Similarly, Winslow/Martin only became slightly tipsy. But poor Eddie _really_ got drunk…

I sent him to our bedroom a soon as he tried to sing a song about how he "really loves that rock n' roll". If he'd stayed in the dining room he probably would've done something silly that would've given Granny a story to tell her usual drinking buddies at the local bar.

At just about 7:50 I went to my 'new' bedroom. To my amusement, Eddie had already fallen asleep by then. He looks cute like that. Or at least a bit younger.

That didn't matter. What mattered was that I changed into pajamas and went to sleep. So I dug furiously through the mess of clothes I'd thrown on the floor. After a while I gave up.

A dressing gown and shirt a few sizes to big over my underclothes would be fine, I decided. I'd already found those items of clothing. So, I quickly got dressed. Just as I was about to get in bed I heard Eddie humming that song he's drunkenly sung earlier.

It turned out I'd made too much noise when going through the closet.

"How long have you been awake?" I asked.

"Long ennough ta see ya getting' dres'd," he replied, slurring his words slightly.

I realized that he was still a bit drunk. Soon enough he'd do something stupid and I'd go along with it because I'm madly in love with him.

"Eddie, darling. Go back to sleep!" I grumbled.

Then, I climbed into bed right next to him. Sometimes I can't help but do that sort of thing.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I knnoww."

At that, I rolled my eyes. On a few previous occasions he'd said he loved me. Well, mostly in the middle of the night while at least _half_ asleep. So I didn't doubt that it was perfectly true.

So, I kissed him innocently on the lips and tried to fall asleep.

That didn't work, because he then kissed me. Oh dear. Though it was one of his adorably awful kisses I couldn't help but kiss him back. Then his hand ended up down my bra… and so on.

Afterwards we lay there with our arms around each other. We'd really had a good time, as the strange lyrics he'd sung earlier said.

"Your Granny was righ'," he muttered, clearly less drunk. "That was a good idea."

That's the most awkward thing I've ever heard anyone say, I think.

Now he wants me to turn of the flashlight, stop writing, and go to sleep. I might as well.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ or it's never-filmed sequel. More and more of this is based on that.**

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Sunday, April/7/1974

Dear Diary,

Apparently hired killers from outer space, unlike the Postal Service, work on Sundays.

I know this because today Mister Guildenstern and Mister Rosencrantz found Granny's house and tried to attack. Luckily for us, they aren't very good at sneaking up on people.

At about 9:45, they showed up and knocked at the door. Thankfully, we were already awake. I was failing to make pancakes when we heard them.

"It's those damned kids again," Granny muttered.

With a look of determination on her face she marched out of the kitchen. To my shock, she grabbed a pistol from one of the cabinets before she left. Now I'm glad she had a weapon. If it were merely kids messing with her the pistol would've been an overreaction. But since there were alien assassins at the door…

After a moment we heard a gunshot and Granny shouting something unprintable.

"We should go help her," Mr. Bradshaw said.

At that, I rolled my eyes. "She can probably kill both of them on her own. But you're right. De Lordy and his cronies might show up… or something."

Mr. Bradshaw and I grabbed knives out of the kitchen drawer. Eddie's head hurt too much and Winslow/Martin was being a brat. So, the two of us slowly walked down the hallway.

From what we could hear, Granny was taunting them- presumably in the hope that it would throw them off. Clever old thing.

Taking a deep breath, Mr. Bradshaw slowly opened the door. The scene we came upon was strangely comical.

An injured Mister Rosencrantz lay bleeding pathetically on the lawn and trying to tell Mister Guildenstern to keep fighting. The former appeared to have been shot in the leg. Maybe both legs, actually.

Those guys really aren't very good at their job.

Granny was _laughing_.

"There's 6 bullets in this thing!" she shouted to us, "Now, I've got three left! If I kill that clever one, you can go for the strong, stupid one!"

And then she shot Mister Rosencrantz in the chest. I felt a bit sick when I saw the bloodstain spread on the front of his pinstriped suit jacket. She'd just killed him, I realized. Just as Mister Guildenstern told us that he surrendered I blacked out.

A little while later, I woke up in the living room. For some reason I was sitting in the comfy armchair in the corner. Everyone else seemed to be sitting or standing somewhere else in the room. That included Mister Guildenstern standing nervously in the corner. He's not much of a threat without Mister Rosencrantz telling him what to do. Strong, stupid one indeed!

"-and my contact in DC can provide us with various alien tech that we can use to defend ourselves against th-," Mr. Bradshaw was saying.

"Columbia is awake," Eddie interrupted.

Everyone turned around to look at me. I suppose they'd forgotten I was in the room. And I am one of the main reasons those aliens are chasing us in the first place.

"What have I missed?" I asked.

"Well, Mister Guildenstern just explained that Lord Dominus de Lordy sent him as a diversion of sorts. Apparently he killed off all potential competition as soon as the Queen demanded that your very-dead cadaver be brought to her. Mister Rosencrantz and Mister Guildenstern were supposed to make us feel even more threatened.

"How do you know all that?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

To my surprise, Mister Guildenstern replied. "I toldss them."

"It's fine! I know we can trust him," Winslow/Martin explained.

I stared at him. " _What_?"

"He killed some people who were after me. I kinda killed their leader in a switchblade fight at a bar… it's not _really_ important. What matters is that I owe Mister Guildenstern a debt now," Winslow said.

"With Mister Rosencrantz deadsss, I'm not allied with any specific personssss. Now I've got nobody to work for, and you are so nicessss," Mister Guildenstern added.

"Why did you kill those people chasing Winslow in the first place, though?" I asked.

"I thought theyss were competition. Mister Rosencrantz sayss we were supposed to kill anyone else who's after Columbia- the earthlingsss companion of the queen's son- and her boyfriend," Mister Guildenstern explained with a shrug. "And I always listensss to Mister Rosencrantz."

"Mister Guildenstern really does have a lot of useful information," Mr. Bradshaw said, though somewhat reluctantly.

"And he doesn't mind so much that I killed his friend," Granny added happily.

I turned to Eddie, addressing him directly. "If I die because we trusted this guy, please shoot Winslow with Granny's pistol."

Understandably, Winslow didn't take kindly to this. "Hey! It's not-"

"I will," Eddie said, glaring at his friend.

So we began plotting what to do next. We planned to meet guy that Mr. Bradshaw kept talking about. He'd supply us with weapons or whatever.

We planned to spend the entire day in DC, mostly just sightseeing and other 'fun' stuff while we waited for all the real insanity to begin. That meant we'd actually be using those aliases we invented for _once_.

After going back to the kitchen and throwing out the charred pancakes, we packed a backpack full of random items for our little day trip. That included (amongst other things): salmon jerky, my diary, a pencil, Granny's pistol, and extra bullets. I really hoped that nobody would need to search our bags. So far today, nobody has.

We all got in the van and drove to the city. It took about thirty minutes. And what an awkward thirty minutes…

Now both Granny _and_ Mister Guildenstern were part of our little 'team'.

We all looked pretty strange- even by today's deranged standards- as we walked down the street. Between Mister Guildenstern's stuffy pinstriped business suit, my bright pink hair and glittery tap shoes, Eddie's dark leather jacket and boots, Granny's floral dress… the various styles contrasted starkly.

Soon enough we stopped at a generic (forgettable) Small Coffee Shop. You know, the sort of place where those artsy philosophy people sit in corners and discuss the troubles with society and/or where to buy the best drugs. The kind of shop that hosts poetry readings every week. The natural habitat of hippies and similarly frightening beings.

I hope that such nonsense will be over soon. There weren't that sort of people around when I was a kid… were there?

After Winslow ordered coffee for everyone, the five of us sat down at a table.

"So… we're supposed to be at my ally's office at about 1 o'clock. Since it's nearly noon, we've got to spare. Anyway, his headquarters are pretty near here," Mr. Bradshaw explained.

"What's his name?" I questioned.

"Marcus B. Mendax," he replied.

"Where do ya know him from, again?" Eddie asked.

Suddenly, Mr. Bradshaw looked nervous. "Uh… it's a long story. I've known that man since before you were born. He's helped me out before and I'm sure we can still trust him."

At that point the coffees were ready. That's also when I started writing all this down. I've got to stop now, though.

Apparently it's time to drive over to meet Marcus B. Mendax… _whoever_ he is.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **A/N: Their "ally's" name is very meaningful. Translate the last name into Latin if you want a bit of a 'spoiler' about the character. Also... guess what the first name of Brutus, Julius Caesar's so-called, was?**

 **The next few chapters will be in first person from Columbia's point of view, though not in diary form. You'll see why...**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I don't own** ** _The Rocky Horror Picture Show,_ it's unfilmed sequel** **( _Revenge of the Old Queen_ ), o** **r the 'Three Laws of Robotics' (that belongs to Isaac Asimov).**

* * *

 **A/N: Some of this will be in 3rd person, some in first... and none in 'diary format'. Hopefully that's okay.**

* * *

When we drove up to the place, nobody spoke. The entrance was apparently in a dark, unpleasant alley. And the whole building happened to be in a less-than-savory area of town.

"I have a bad feeling about this," I muttered under my breath, as Mr. Bradshaw parked the van.

"It'll be fine. Marcus is an old friend," Mr. Bradshaw replied nervously.

It almost sounded like he was reassuring _himself_. I decided not to dwell on that. Just following the others into the building seemed a better idea. At least I would be less nervous.

The door we entered through was more like a metal trapdoor in the sidewalk than anything. A mostly empty dumpster hid it quite well.

I began to wonder what Marcus actually does for a living. Hopefully nothing _too_ bad, since we're already in enough trouble with the government of Transsexual, Transylvanian. Though the room we then stood in made me worry...

The walls seemed to be made of heavy cinderblock- though many other materials were attached to it. Here and there were blinking consoles or button-covered panels. Sleek metal covered the floor in most places, but I also noticed patches of darker material. Like a patchwork quilt of technology!

"It's like somethin' out of a science fiction picture…" Eddie muttered in awe.

"Hello, my old friend!" said a smooth voice.

We all spun around (at varying rates) to see a sleekly dressed man standing in a doorway that had just _appeared_ out of nowhere. He smiled a sly smile at us and walked toward us. A robot of some sort followed him closely.

"What the hell is that?" Granny asked, gesturing at the robot with her pistol.

"I am NonHAL-Asimov-42. You may call me Robby, if you wish to," it replied it's electronic voice. "You may lower your weapons, since I can not harm you."

Mister Guildenstern put his gun back in his coat and Winslow folded up his switchblade. Granny, of course, didn't put away her weapon.

"Hmm! How do I know that's true?" she said, glaring.

Her beady eyes somehow didn't unsettle Robby or his human master. Wow.

"His programming requires him to follow the Three Laws," Marcus explained, rolling his eyes.

"What laws?" I asked.

"A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

"A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

"A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws," he recited cheerfully.

"Fine," Granny muttered, though she still didn't put her pistol away.

"You'll let us borrow your tech- and maybe even help us fight- Lord Dominus de Lordy?" Mr. Bradshaw asked.

"I'm really sorry, old friend," Marcus whispered.

Then, four different Transylvanian soldiers appeared out of four different floor panels wielding pitchfork-like guns.

"Aw, shit!" Granny shrieked. "We're _screwed_!"

"Indeed…" drawled a snobby, aristocratic voice.

Again, the five of us turned around to see someone we expected. There stood a middle-aged man in a outfit that didn't suit him. At _all_. If only Lord de Lordy had a sense of style, like Marcus!

He wore fishnet stocking that completely covered his chubby legs. The black corset top he wore really didn't flatter him. And what fashion crimes happened to be on top of that monstrosity? _Very_ short black shorts trimmed with sequins; this unbuttoned strange, black and red, tailcoat-jacket-thingy; and glitter-covered, fake leather high-heel boots that nearly went up to his thighs.

Ew.

"What do you want?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

He laughed maniacally. "I want what the Queen wants. That is, I want your head- and your stupid boyfriend's head- on a platter to hand to her. But I might not want not kill _you_ right away. My _d_ _arling_ girl… what fun I might have with you! I really do see why Cousin Frankie kept you at his castle. You'll make a delightful little pet."

"That's not nice, sirsssss!" Mister Guildenstern said darkly.

"You!" De Lordy shouted.

Apparently he hadn't noticed his ex-employee standing there. Now that he did, he seemed quite furious.

Though his soldiers hadn't fired yet, I knew they would soon. Just one more wrong move and we'd all be dead. The person who made that fatal blunder wasn't who'd I expected. And it wasn't even something any of us could've predicted.

"Do I get all that stuff you promise, now?" Marcus asked.

At that, Lord de Lordy laughed even more wildly. "Ha! You _really_ thought I meant that? You really believed I'd stay true to my word? Foolish earthling!"

Still laughing, de Lordy turned his back to Marcus. That's when Marcus pulled a gun out of his pocket. A dangerous gun that looked like something out of a Sci-fi picture.

Oh dear. Poor de Lordy sure had underestimated a certain 'foolish earthling'.

Quietly, Marcus pulled the trigger on his weapon… and a laser ray of some kind stunned Lord de Lordy.

And then… all hell broke loose.

A few more Transylvanian military people appeared out of floor hatches. Now it was the six of us against the eight of them. So, Marcus quickly handed all of us earthlings a laser gun. With a few clicks of his fingers on a keyboard, doorways to three different corridors were opened.

We six earthlings all ran into different halls. Thankfully, at least some of us stuck together.

Granny and Marcus went one way… Eddie and Mr. Bradshaw another… Winslow and I ended up together… Mister Guildenstern alone…

* * *

"Take _that,_ ya damn space-men!" Granny screeched, managing to shoot one of the Transylvanians in the stomach.

He wasn't going to survive that wound. And he was the second enemy soldier Granny had killed in _very_ little time.

Boy, wasn't the old woman good at killing people. That's one reason she's rarely invited to play bridge with her neighbors, of course.

At least the two 'space-men' who'd chased after them now happened to be dead.

"I'd say these guys are what some people call 'laser gun fodder'," Marcus said with an awkward chuckle.

"You're right about that," Granny replied gleefully.

* * *

Suddenly, Mr. Bradshaw stopped running. After a moment Eddie did, too. They both stood there and leaned against the wall, catching their breath.

"What's wrong, Mr. Bradshaw?" Eddie asked.

"I've got a story to tell you."

"WHAT? We're trapped in a basement, soon to be killed by crazy aliens... and you want to tell me a _story_?"

"You'll thank me once you've heard it all. It all began 21 years ago...

"A few friends of mine decided to go backpacking through Europe in '53. We'd be going to university in a year or so, you see. And those days everyone believed that the nuclear fallout would happen next week. So, we thought, why not?

"We started out in London. That's where I met that darling girl who called herself Sally Ross. I knew that it couldn't have been her actual name, since she was clearly German. But I never bothered to learn her name.

"My buddies went on the adventure we'd planned, but I stayed in London with Sally. We fell in love, you see. What fools we were! Never thinking about what might happen in a few years. Or what might happen tomorrow, even. Though such a state was normal in those days, as I've said.

"But, when Sally found out she was pregnant, we began to think about it. I said I'd marry her if it were the last thing I did. Of course, she had an older brother. I'd never even heard of her older brother until he came looking for me. He was _that_ kind of German. Even though he worked for the US government by then, he was still pretty scary. The fact that he'd flown all the way to London just to come after me sure said something.

"So he took her home. The only clue I had to find her was a note she'd left behind. It just said 'Scott' on it. That didn't really do me much good, though. But I never could bring myself to forget Sally Ross- or the note. I kept the latter in a box that I still own.

"A few years later I overheard somebody talking about a 'crazy Nazi bastard' called 'Scott' teaching at the local college. Though decades had passed, it was definitely the guy who'd threatened to kill me for what I'd done to his sister.

"So I pretended to be an old friend of his. It didn't take to much effort, of course. There were lots of shady people he'd known in Germany all those years ago. Anyway, I'd spent most of my life pretending to be someone I wasn't. Keeping in character for a few years was worth it, though. And, though she didn't remember who I was, I got to see Sally before she died. If she hadn't been sick I probably would've said something.

"Your uncle never recognized me. God, how I wanted to tell you everything! Yet I never had the courage to stand up to him."

"So... you're my Dad?" Eddie asked, after a moment.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I am."

For a while they stood there in silence. To Mr. Bradshaw's shock, the young man grinned. Eddie had always wondered what sort of person his father was. Now he knew that the man wasn't a noble hero! It would be easier to live up to this scoundrel. And now Eddie knew where he'd got his more rebellious side.

Now he wanted to ask all sorts of questions about his father's teenage years. Had he ridden a motorbike through school hallways in junior year? Or blasted rock n' roll music in the car speakers just outside a church? Did they even have rock n' roll in those days?

But an apparent inaccuracy in the story kept Eddie from mentioning any of that.

"Wait... Ma always said that my father was an American soldier she met during the war! Not a civilian she met years later."

"Kid, do the math. It's 1974, right? And you're 20. And 1974 minus 20 is...?"

"1954."

"Right! So you _can_ do basic addition. History is the problem, then... the war ended in 1944. She lied, kid. I'm not a soldier. Too cowardly, I suppose…"

"You aren't cowardly, Dad," his son said quietly.

"Hmm?"

"You aren't cowardly. I'm twenty years old, and I've never flown across the ocean on a plane. In fact, I've never left the town I was born in until a few days ago! Just because you haven't fought in any war doesn't mean you're a coward. Anyway, the war ended when you were a teenager, right? So it's not like you could've even been _drafted_!" Eddie replied.

His father smiled at that.

* * *

Columbia and Winslow were not very good at fighting. Well, the latter was good with a switchblade knife. But the only one he'd had with him happened to be stuck in the leg of the only soldiers they'd managed to stun.

Suddenly, Columbia collapsed for reasons unknown to them both at the time.

Just as a soldier was about to shoot her, a giant metal arm moved her out of the way. The robot informally known as 'Robby' ad saved her life.

Winslow used this diversion to fatally shoot the soldier who'd tried to kill Columbia… and then shot another.

Half their foes now were dead.

* * *

Mister Guildenstern was good at killing bad people.

Now, for the first time, he wasn't sure if that was good or bad. Nice old Mister Rosencrantz always knew what to do. What to do, what to say, what was good, what was bad…

But Mister Rosencrantz was dead.

So he didn't mind when the alien last soldier shot him with an Evil Laser Gun of Death. At least Mister Rosencrantz might be waiting in the afterlife. As he died, he smiled at the thought of seeing his friend.

A moment later, his killer's gun backfired. Maybe the Gods did exist. Maybe they thought that nameless alien soldier deserved to die because he'd killed a 'secretly nice' person like Mister Guildenstern.

* * *

Slowly, Lord Dominus de Lordy returned to consciousness. The first thing he noticed was that everyone else had left the room. That- and the ominous silence- worried him.

After slowly standing up he walked over to a device he knew to be a special sort of Transylvanian technology often used to watch other rooms.

"They've killed all my soldiers!" he whispered in horror.

Maybe humans aren't as stupid as they seem, de Lordy realized.

* * *

 **This chapter had quite a few Sci-Fi references. Yet it doesn't really matter if you, the reader, 'gets' them. I just added them for fun. The main one is NonHAL-Asimov-42 (aka 'Robby'):**

 ** _HAL 9000_ is the evil 'AI [** **Artificial Intelligence]** **gone wrong' from _2001: A Space Odyssey_**

 ** _Isaac Asimov_ is, of course, the author who wrote lots of significant literature about AI.**

 **42 is the 'answer to the ultimate question' (nobody know the question itself, though) in _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_**

 ** _Robby the Robot_ , like Anne Francis, stars in _Forbidden Planet._**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: Halfway through this chapter we go back to 'diary format'. That's more fun to write and (hopefully) more fun to read.**

* * *

Only a few minutes had passed since the short battle. Winslow leaned against the corridor's smooth metal wall, still trying to register all that just happened. Especially the sudden appearance of nonHAL-Asimov-42 and his rescue of Columbia.

Now the robot cradled the girl in his huge metal arms.

"Why did you save her, Robby?" Winslow asked.

"I can not injure a human being, or let a human being come to harm by inaction," Robby explained.

"Thank you," Winslow replied, unsure what else to say.

And so they walked back toward the main room. Robby carried the still-unconscious Columbia. Being a robot with near-unlimited strength sure can come in handy. Even though Columbia didn't weigh that much… at least _usually_.

Soon enough they found there way back to the 'main room'. Granny and Marcus already were there. To Winslow's amusement, Granny had her pistol pointed at de Lordy. The pathetic man was cowering on the floor begging for mercy from the older woman.

"Please don't shoot! I won't kill your friends… just don't s-sh-h-hoot!" he pleaded.

"I don't trust you, space bastard," she spat cruelly.

At that point Eddie and Mr. Bradshaw entered the room. Now, they realized, everyone in their little party now stood in this room… except Mister Guildenstern.

"Where's Mister Guildenstern?" Mr. Bradshaw asked.

Nobody replied, since they didn't know. Anyway, Columbia's return to consciousness caught everyone's attention at that point. By then nonHAL-Asimov-42 (aka Robby) still held her carefully in his metal arms.

Robby slowly set her down on the floor. Just as slowly, she stood up.

"What's happened?" she muttered.

"Robby saved you," Winslow explained.

"They were about to kill you. The Rules say that I can not injure a human being or let a human come to harm by inaction. I moved you out of the way," the robot elaborated.

This distraction gave Lord de Lordy a chance to flee. Before anyone could stop him, he ran through the door he'd earlier entered through. Though Granny tried to shoot him, the bullet merely dented the thick titanium door that was now locked into place.

" _He's_ a coward, Dad," Eddie told Mr. Bradshaw.

That confused everyone else. Nobody else was using his or her assigned aliases at that point. Yet nobody else knew how Eddie and Mr. Bradshaw were really related.

"Let's go, before more space bastards show up," Granny said darkly.

Mr. Bradshaw turned to Marcus. "Do you want to come with us? They might come back."

"I don't care. Nothing stands between me and my wonderful collection of rare technology," Marcus replied grinning.

"I think I'll stay here, too," Winslow said.

Eddie's eyes widened. " _What_? Dude, you really wanna stay _here_?"

"No sane person would choose boring ol' Denton over this place. It's like something out of a Sci-Fi picture!" his friend replied, more cheerful than he'd been in a while.

"Since when do _you_ like Sci-fi?" Eddie asked.

"Remember the old cinema in town? I go there almost every week!" Winslow said cheerfully.

"Wasn't it because of that gal who worked there?"

"No. Well… I liked her too. But I showed up there in the first place for the picture shows themselves," he explained.

The idea went over surprisingly well with Marcus. "You could be some sort of apprentice to me. Inherit this place once I'm dead… which will be a long time from now, of course."

And so, Marcus and his new apprentice left the room.

"So… only Granny, Eddie, Columbia, and I are leaving?" Mr. Bradshaw asked.

Everyone nodded in agreement… except for Columbia, to everyone's surprise. She held onto the robot's arm and looked up into those blinking blue lights that served as eyes.

"Can Robby come with us?" Columbia asked.

"If you wish, I will go with you. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. Going with you will not harm you," the robot said.

"As long as I don't get replaced with Mr. Metal, I'm okay with it," Eddie replied reluctantly, giving the robot a Look.

Columbia giggled. "I'm still dating you, darling. Robby here is just like some sort of talking, electronic pet."

"I am more than a pet, Miss. I can speak 188 languages and have a built-in replicator which can replicate 19 types of coffee, among many other items," Robby said.

Columbia could've sworn that the robot's electronic voice sounded annoyed. But, as far as she knew, robots don't have emotions.

Then, Robby lifted them through the trapdoor and back onto the sidewalk. Somehow he managed to levitate himself onto the sidewalk next to them. And so, they all got into the van (a bit of a challenge in the robot's case).

Time to drive home…

* * *

Monday, April/8/1974

Dear Diary,

Today we're driving home. I won't bother to write all that happened yesterday. For one thing, it would use up too much paper. And I'll never forget it.

Anyway, it's about lunchtime now. I'm writing out of boredom.

It takes about six hours to drive from Granny's house back to Eddie's uncle's house. If we don't get lost, that is.

But Robby has some sort of map program built into him. So we definitely won't get lost. Of course, having him constantly tell us where to drive in his computer-y monotone voice gets a bit annoying.

We woke up a bit late today. That means about 10 o'clock. Now that Lord de Lordy is trapped in Marcus's weird warehouse place, we can relax a bit. It's pretty convenient that he killed off all the competition!

For breakfast we chocolate chip pancakes Robby replicated for us. Though they weren't as good as something Magenta might cook, they were decent enough. After that we packed up the car.

 _And_ said goodbye to Granny.

"You look pretty cute with that pink hair," Granny muttered thoughtfully, as we stood by the door. "In fact, I'd like my hair done sorta like that. Maybe in light purple…?"

I giggled. "Yeah, light purple would look pretty neat."

Sometimes Granny is crazy in a nice way. But she can be dangerous, as I'd learned earlier.

Then, we got in the car and drove away. That was only a few minutes ago.

We're supposed to be back in Denton by five this evening. I still haven't asked where we're going once we're there. Hopefully I'll be able to go home to the castle.

Yes, that's truly my home.

I can't wait to see Mags again! And, right now, I'd welcome even the sight of Riff's sullen face. So much has happened in barely one week!

A few things worry me, though. After all that's happened will Frank not let me live with them anymore? Will they allow me to keep the robot?

Speaking of the robot… he now wants to know which sort of coffee I'd like.

I'll probably write something more after dinner tonight. Maybe something really interesting will happen by then.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: This story loosely follows the 'Hero's Journey' format. At this point we still have part of the story left. And part of the not-yet-written part shall include the movie.**

* * *

Monday, April/8/1974

Dear Diary,

It's currently midnight.

For the first time in what _feels_ like ages I'm sitting on my own bed in my own room. Yes, I'm finally home! Finally…

But I better write about how we finally got back to the castle. Of _course_ the fact that I'm home is exciting. Yet the more interesting part is how I ended up there. Let's begin with the moment Mr. Bradshaw parked the van outside Dr. Scott's house.

By then, Robby (or, to be more accurate, nonHAL-Asimov-42) wasn't giving driving directions anymore. The moment we drove past the 'home of happiness' sign, he went into some sort of stasis to conserve power. The way his blue glowing 'eyes' slowly faded in and out is a bit unsettling, in my opinion.

Though we'd parked, nobody got out of the van.

"I wonder if we should go to the castle. Dr. Scott will probably be quite angry with _all_ of us once he sees us," Mr. Bradshaw said thoughtfully.

"I'd say. Good thing he doesn't get home till seven or so!" Eddie replied.

"What should we do, then?"

"Let's just go straight to the castle," I grumbled. "That's much easier than just arguing about everything!"

At that, Eddie chuckled. "Dramatic as she's being, maybe Columbia is right. An' the people who own that place prob'bly know more about robots like 'Mr. Metal' here."

I rolled my eyes at Eddie's strange nickname for Robby.

And so, we drove away.

Though people generally stayed away from the castle, everyone who'd lived in the area long enough (including Mr. Bradshaw) knew where it was. It didn't take us very long at all to get there! I felt strangely gleeful as we drove toward the looming building. Finally, after all the insanity, I'd be home.

" _We're almost home! We're almost home_!" I chanted under my breath.

To my embarrassment, Eddie heard me. So I stopped repeating that wonderful phrase. Out loud, that is. In my mind, those words went round and round like the most _joyful_ song with the _catchiest_ tune.

Mr. Bradshaw parked the van down the road from the castle. Earlier, I'd warned him about the spikes Riff often scatters right out front. Supposedly Frank likes people to get 'caught with a flat' and end up having to ask us for help. That never happened while I've lived there, though.

Then it was time for the four of us to get out of the van. That proved somewhat challenging in the case of Robby. None of us knew how to wake him up. So, I began randomly clicking various buttons on his shoulder. That's where all the buttons were.

"I feel so mean!" I said.

"Why?" Mr. Bradshaw asked.

"Would _you_ like it if I began poking you in the shoulder?" I replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Well… I could actually feel such a thing. Robby here can't."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

After a moment, I gave up. We left the robot in the van and walked toward the castle.

Out of strange politeness, we went to the front door. I suppose that's technically the only way in I can truly remember. It just seemed so formal!

It was Riff Raff, of all people, who opened the door. He greeted us in his usual manner. A simple:

"Hello…"

"Hey, Riff! Is your sister around?" I asked.

Suddenly, the sound of glass shattering could be heard from inside. As if someone had dropped one of those funny little glass decorations shaped like unicorns or whatever.

And then, I heard Magenta's voice. "Is zat you… Columbia?"

My best friend suddenly appeared in the doorway next to her brother. On her pale, familiar face was an expression of surprise. That look soon changed into one of annoyance.

Then she launched into a passionate, distressed rant.

"Vhere _have_ you been ze last few days? Ve've heard all _sorts_ of stories… the Queen _herself_ apparently sent people after you! You should've stayed where I'd left you. Oh, I was going to help you get away properly… _without_ anyone important getting involved! I've been vorried out of my mind! How could you be so _stupid_?"

"I've missed you, too," I said softly, hugging her.

"Never scare we like that again, Columbia," she whispered into my ear.

"I won't."

Mr. Bradshaw cleared his throat. "Er, Mr. Riff Raff… you're a handyman of some kind…"

At the mention of his demeaning 'official job' Riff grimaced.

"… You know about electronic stuff, I suppose. So, would you help us with our robot? We can't figure out how to turn him on again. He went into some sort of hibernation earlier."

Riff raised an eyebrow. "A robot? What do you… mean?"

"He's in our van," Eddie explained.

"That happens to be parked down the street," I added.

"You _like_ robots! Don't you, darling?" Magenta said, giving her brother a Look.

"I _do_ happen to know a little bit about… programming," he admitted.

"So… can you help us?" I asked.

He nodded slowly.

And so, we walked back to the van. That hardly took any time.

Eddie opened the door so that everyone could see Robby the sleeping robot. The metal that the robot was made of glimmered prettily in the fading sunlight. His flickering eyes seemed brighter than before as the sun went down.

For the first time ever, I saw a 'positive' emotion flicker across Riff's dull face. That emotion happened to be some sort of glee. He momentarily looked like a geeky 12-year-old who'd gotten a box set of Sci-fi books on Christmas Day.

"That's an _Asimov & Co_ _._ _Robotics_ … nonHAL edition… model 42 robot…?" Riff muttered.

"Um, I think he said he was," I replied nervously.

"Ah, that's a model only _slightly_ out of date. It's probably got a Generation III Positronic Brain. _Asimov & Co_ _._ only began using that about 20 years ago- not long for a company based on Altair IV. They rarely get supplies shipped in, you see," Riff explained, now frenzied with excitement.

I rolled my eyes. "Can you please wake him up?"

"Obviously," he replied coolly.

Indeed, Riff managed to click _just_ the right buttons in _just_ the right sequence. We heard an odd whirring sound and Robby's eyes suddenly stopped flickering. Now they glowed constantly.

"Hello," Robby said.

"Hey," Eddie replied awkwardly.

At that, I giggled. My boyfriend and my robotic friend seemed to be getting along. Good.

Then, the six of us walked back to the castle.

We all entered the front hall quite calmly.

And we all jumped when we heard _somebody_ clear his or her throat.

Frank stood at the top of the staircase, grinning like the Cheshire cat. "Well… well… _well_ …"

"Hello, Frankie," I said sullenly.

As he slowly made his way down the staircase, he spoke to me in his usual drawling tone of voice. "Hello, my _darling_. What trouble you've caused lately… not that it matters now. You're home, and soon you'll be in _MY_ arms! Ooh, it's a good thing you're pretty. Otherwise your fate would be far worse!"

"How dare you say that to her! Nothing's worse than being forced to sleep with a transvestite from a distant planet, I'd bet!" Mr. Bradshaw shouted.

To my horror, Frank then took a laser gun out of his dressing gown's pocket. Then he pointed the weapon at poor Mr. Bradshaw. Everyone else was too shocked to move.

"Oh? Really? Why wouldn't she love sleeping with me? She's _always_ loved it!" Frank replied coldly. "Haven't you, darling?"

"Yes," I muttered, embarrassed by the honesty of that statement.

Then, Frank shot Mr. Bradshaw. The laser beam didn't kill the poor man right away. No, he first collapsed to the floor. His son ran toward him and held him in his arms.

Ew, the way I wrote that it sounds rather incestuous…

"I'm a cowa-" Mr. Bradshaw began to say.

"You aren't a coward…" Eddie whispered. "Whatever people say, you aren't a coward."

"I'm not… a coward…?" Mr. Bradshaw whispered.

Eddie shook his head. "Nope. You're _not_ a coward."

"I am…"

"What?" Eddie whispered.

"I am _slain_!"

Those were his dying words… and the dying words of Polonius from _Hamlet: Prince of Denmark_. Was that intentional? We'll never know…

Since I realized that he was quoting Shakespeare at the time, I decided to play along.

"As Queen Gertrude of Denmark would say: 'O me, what hast thou done?'" I said solemnly.

Eddie stared up at me in confusion. " _What_?"

"That's one of your classical literature things, yes?" Magenta asked with an exasperated sigh.

"Who _really_ cares? Just clean up the recently deceased earthling that's probably ruining my nice floors!" Frank shouted.

Now Eddie was really angry. "Why, you-"

I kicked him in the shins, and hissed: "Shut up!"

"Sorry," he muttered.

After that, Magenta showed Eddie to his old room. And then I followed Frankie to his bedroom. Somehow I didn't mind what that sweet transvestite did to me. I can't decide whether it was his dark eyes or lovely voice that seduced me. Not that it matters.

Once he was finished with me I went back to the bedroom I share with Magenta.

That was wonderful!

It looked exactly like it had when I'd left not to long ago. Well, not _exactly_. That stupid poster of Frank that I'd glued to the walls had mysteriously been replaced with one of Eddie.

"Yes, yes. I did that. I thought you vould like it better," Magenta explained.

I smiled brightly and hugged her. This time she seemed a bit more annoyed. Mags isn't very into hugs… even if she's being hugged by her beloved brother.

The next hour or so I spent telling her all about my adventures. She didn't really seem interested. Though I'm pretty sure the part about my Granny calling aliens 'space bastards' appeared to amuse her.

When the clock struck 8:30, she shrieked in horror and declared that it was time to cook dinner. Magenta then went downstairs to the kitchen. I stayed in the room and repainted my fingernails that shade of red that I truly adore. Then, I read a book for a while.

That book happened to be a strange gothic novel I really like, which is titled _Carmilla_. It's about a vampire (the title character) and a nobleman's daughter who she happens to be very, very, very close to… like Mags and I are.

When we've had too much to drink, that is.

Far too soon Magenta called everybody to dinner. Though it would be nice to see Eddie again, I dreaded the very idea of being I the same room as Frank.

Whatever.

Yeah… dinner really was terribly awkward. So awkward that I don't want to think about it. I definitely don't want to write about it!

Anyway, nothing truly important happened then.

After dinner things got interesting again. Since we'd been away from each other long enough to miss at least last weekend's movie night, Mags wanted to watch a movie this evening.

By the time we set it up the time happened to be 9:30.

The next two and a half hours we spent watching that deranged mess of a film only a person crazy as my best friend could like… _2001: A Space Odyssey_.

"What's with the space-baby at the end? I don't get half of it… but that's the weirdest part of that movie!" I said, once we'd finished watching the film.

She rolled her eyes. "That is Dave after he has been transformed into the Star Child."

"What the fuc- _I mean_ , why do you like this stuff? I mean, usually only hippies who're stoned out of their minds like that sort of movie…"

"Get dressed for bed, Columbia."

So, I changed into one of my ugly gray pajama outfits. As I did, a strange song became stuck in my head. A song about somebody called 'Major Tom'. It also involved space somehow… but I don't think it was from the movie. I still haven't figured out what the song actually is.

After I'd gotten dressed and gotten into bed, I began to write this entry.

By the way, I'll only be writing down important things from now on. This book is really running out of blank pages.

Now Magenta is complaining about the pencil-scratching sound that happens when I write.

Oh! What a beautiful sound! How I've missed it!

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 ** **A/N: So... I really don't know why, in this story, Magenta likes the movie _2001: A Space Odyssey._ And, yes, that movie is very weird. That's the reason I haven't watched it in ages. ****

* * *

**Please Review!**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: So... from now on, the story skips around in time. The movie itself takes place in November, of course, and I didn't want things to get boring.**

* * *

Wednesday, ?/?/1974

Dear Diary,

Over the last few months, things have gone back to normal. Nothing important has happened. Since this diary is running out of space, I haven't written anything down lately.

Now, however, something worth noting has happened: I'm pregnant.

Riff Raff- who's the closest thing we have to a medical doctor- says I'm about four months pregnant now. He told me that yesterday. Though I have only been paying attention to days of the week, I think it's currently early June. So, the baby was probably conceived in early March… and therefore Eddie might be the father.

So far the only person who knows is Riff. Of course, Magenta probably knows because he shares nearly every secret with her (and vice versa).

I doubt Frank will care about this. He's got this project he's all excited about. It something science related, which means Riff has to help with it. Thankfully he's got the robot nonHAL-Asimov-42, aka Robby, working as some kind of lab assistant. That means he won't have to do as much hand-on work, and therefore has more time to see his sister or help me.

At lunchtime today, Robby came to fetch me from the kitchen. Luckily, nobody but Magenta was in the room with me. I'm pretty sure she knows what's going on.

"Mister Riff Raff wishes to see you," the robot explained.

So, I followed him to that room near the lab that I consider the 'doctor room'. All sorts of dreadful machines that go 'ping!' and cabinets full of medicine only to be taken under very specific circumstances…

This time, apparently, Riff would be able to figure out whether or not the baby was half

He seemed quite excited about the fact that he might be the first to document a half-Earthling, half-Transylvanian pregnancy. Such information might be useful to solve the severe inbreeding problems caused by a now-over deadly plague on his home planet.

There was this little electronic thing that he scanned me with (while standing exactly two feet away). It lit up, and looked in some ways like a calculator.

"I'll also be… taking a blood sample," he said, once the device had apparently given him some sort of result.

"Why?" I asked, annoyed.

"Because that's what doctors… do."

I'd never had blood drawn, as far as I could remember. Now I wonder if earthling technology is the same as the technology he used. Probably.

Basically he stuck a needle in my arm, told me to look away and stop moving so much, somehow got a vial of blood out of my arm without me feeling anything, and then took the needle out of my arm. It hurt worse once the needle was gone, for some reason.

Then, he handed the vial of blood to Robby. "Can you analyze these samples?"

The robot, since he is physically unable to nod in agreement (because the metal of his 'head' and 'torso' are welded together), said: "Yes, sir."

"I need to know everything I can about it. Levels of minerals, "

"Yes, sir."

Then, the robot left.

"Why?" I asked. "Why do you need to analyze my blood?"

Riff glared at me. "Because, so far, all I know about earthling blood is that it's iron-based like mine. And I only know that because of the color. I'm pretty sure you're an average earthling, so I might as well use your blood as a baseline of sorts. If the queen ever decides that invading this planet is a good idea we'll also need to know what elements humans are commonly exposed to. I've already figured out that the gravity is slightly stronger, amongst other small details. But a sample of an earthling's blood might also help me figure out what environmental factors affect life over a longer period of time."

At that, I rolled my eyes. "I don't really care. What did that other scanner say? What was it ever _for_?"

"Well… it proved that your son is only _half_ -human. I don't think that's ever happened before, and the Galactic Council of Biological Sciences will love to hear about it. I plan to write reports and send them to-"

"Damn the Galactic Council of Sciences!" I shouted.

"It's the Galactic Council of _Biological_ Sciences," he unsympathetically corrected.

"Whatever."

At that moment, Robby returned to the room. In his large, metal hands he held a pile of papers. One of those high-tech Transylvanian machines had probably printed it. Why can't earthling technology be that advanced?

The robot handed Riff the papers without a word. As he began looking over them, I left the room. Though it was about 1:45 by then, I went to the kitchen. I'd decided not to tap dance every afternoon anymore.

Magenta found me going through the kitchen cabinets. Various cans of soup and bottles of spices littered the floor.

"What are you doing? I just organized all th-" her tone of voice changed from angry to sympathetic when she realized I was crying. "What's wrong, Columbia?"

"I hate him," I said quietly.

"Who do you hate?" Mags asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I hate a lot of people right now… but it's your brother I'm most annoyed at," I told her sullenly.

"What do you mean?" she asked, less angry than I would've thought.

"He seems to think I'm just another science project. Apparently a female earthling hasn't ever been pregnant with a half-Transylvanian child. Now he's talking about writing to various scientific organizations about this. It's horrible! _And_ he took a blood test just so that he could research average earthling blood. He's so mean!"

"So… you're pregnant?" Magenta said.

"Yes. I thought you already knew." I replied, quite annoyed that she'd ignored everything else I'd said.

"I didn't. And the Master is the father, yes?" she asked, suddenly looking very worried.

"Unfortunately."

Then, Magenta began muttering to herself. "Oh dear. That's not good... we mustn't let anyone know this. Eddie will hate you and I don't know what the Master will do, but it really won't be nice. And now the queen will probably be sending assassins after you, anyway… this is bad..."

At that point I left the kitchen. Though I was very hungry, I just wanted to be away from everything. Before I got to my room, however, I literally ran into someone nobody wants to literally run into. Robby happens to be made of a metal from another world, which is stronger than anything I've ever come across. So, if one ruins into him too hard, they could break their arm or something.

"Hello, miss," said the robot.

"Hello," I muttered in reply.

The blue lights that seemed to take the place of eyes 'blinked' once or twice. Then, Robby spoke again. "My scanners detect an expression commonly associated with sadness and related emotions on your face. Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't know," I replied with a shrug.

The robot didn't give up. "I have many songs programmed into my memory. Would playing one of them help cheer you up? _A Bicycle Built for Two_ is a classic, alibi one with unpleasant associations with failed AI. How about _Science Fiction/Double Feature_?"

"I don't know that song, Robby," I replied, now a bit confused.

"Neither do I, it seems. How odd. Someone called 'Smith' programmed it into my memory in 1973. Yet, in 1973, I was still being kept in my old master's warehouse. I never knew anyone called 'Smith'."

The robot's eye-lights flickered strangely, and then he went back to normal.

"I'm sorry, miss. It seems that the memory circuits in my positronic brain had a slight malfunction. May I go rest?"

"Yes, go on," I replied.

And so… he wandered off down the corridor. A moment later I went to my room. There, I read a book for a while. Something by

After that, nothing really worth noting happened. I might write more tomorrow, though I might not. Hopefully Riff will be nicer then.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please, Please, _Please_** **Review!**


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **Also, the Positronic Brain and a few other concepts involving the robot belong to Isaac Asimov.**

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 **A/N: I'm really, really glad that people like this fanfic! Thank you so much, Guest-Who-Reviewed-Chapter-23... and everyone who reviewed earlier chapters.**

 **I'm sorry this chapter is so short.**

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Monday, ?/?/1974

Dear Diary,

So… it's been about a month since I last wrote anything.

Nothing's really happened lately. Well, I suppose _some_ things have happened. Just nothing interesting. Anyway…

Today was only slightly interesting.

The morning went quite normally. Magenta made the most delightful chocolate pancakes for breakfast. Since it's a Monday, I went to see Riff. He scanned me with that stupid scanner of his. Like always, he didn't tell me what the scanner said. I suppose he's been taking notes for that Scientific Council he's always talking about!

Today, I asked him about it.

"Can I see any of the things your scanner says?" I asked.

" _You_ won't understand them," he replied darkly.

"But what are you even scanning for?"

"It doesn't matter," he said bluntly.

Then, he handed me my 'weekly meds'. That means a bag with containers pills for each day of the week in it. I'm not exactly sure what's in those pills, but Magenta says Riff wouldn't hurt me intentionally.

I'm starting to think that she's too in love with him to notice anything he might do wrong.

Today, at lunch, Eddie wasn't around.

That worried me. Of course, I'd begun to suspect that something is wrong lately. He always seems to zone out during conversations. And he never noticed the fact that I've been wearing shirts that are a few sizes to big recently. Something really must be wrong.

Thankfully, Robby happened to be standing in the kitchen while I ate. So at least I had _someone_ to talk to.

"Do you know where Eddie is?" I asked.

"Yes, miss," he replied.

"Can you tell me?"

"I am sorry, miss. Mr. Riff Raff ordered me not to. And I must-"

"-obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law," I finished, sighing in annoyance.

"I am sorry, miss," said Robby. "Mr. Riff Raff said: _You can't say anything about this to anyone who isn't present._ "

Suddenly I had an idea. "Say? What about write?"

Suddenly I had an idea. "You can't _say_ anything? What about write?"

"That is a matter of exact wording, miss. I am not truly disobeying the order. Should I write it? Or spell it out?"

"Write it... if you can!" I replied eagerly.

So, he did. He used some sort of pen that folded out of his right hand to write on a piece of paper.

What he wrote scared me, though wasn't surprising. I'll copy it here:

 _'Eddie has been taken away to be part of the latest science experiment. His brain will be used to replace the damaged one of a dead bodybuilder that Mr. Riff Raff dug up from the local graveyard._

It's like the film Universal Studios made in the 1930s, based _very_ _loosely_ on Shelley's groundbreaking 1818 novel. Riff wouldn't ever be a modern Prometheus. Neither would Frank, though he'd be taking the credit for the accursed thing.

"We've got save him!" I said desperately.

"I can not allow you to. They would hurt you, miss. That would break the first rule. And it would be bad if you got hurt. I can not allow that."

Now, the robot stood in front of the door. I wouldn't be able to leave.

"You're more human than them all, Robby," I muttered thoughtfully.

"Thank you, miss."

I swear I heard a touch of happiness in his voice. Can robots actually feel emotions, though? It seems that nonHAL-Asimov-42 can.

"Your a good friend, Robby," I said, as we stood there.

"My positronic brain merely makes me seem like a friend. I am artificial intelligence, not human. The positronic brain is a CPU that mimics sentience."

"What _is_ sentience, though? What truly makes one human or not?" I asked, somewhat hypothetically.

"Some say to be human is to feel. To laugh at things. To think independently."

"Then you _are_ human. Or, at least, more human than Riff," I replied.

After that remarkable conversation, I went to my room. There I read for a while, and then wrote this entry.

Later today I'll go looking for Eddie. It's only about 2:00 now.

And I still have to think of a clever way to rescue him. Riff doesn't take kindly to his science projects being disturbed.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. **

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Friday, ?/?/1974

Dear Diary,

My so-called rescue of Eddie ended up going more horribly than I could've ever anticipated.

Ye Gods, Robby was right to say that they might harm me. The only good thing that happened was that I survived… unlike poor Eddie. As far as I know, he's dead as a bloody doornail.

I'd better explain.

So, I snuck into the lab at about 5 in the evening. Following the ominous sound of a chain saw (or so I thought at the time), I soon found where they'd taken Eddie: a room right by the lab. A room next to Riff's 'doctor room'.

With ridiculous confidence I opened the door. Eddie sat in some kind of chair, an IV in his arm to keep him anesthetized.

Neither Riff nor Frank noticed me standing there at first. But, when I saw Riff cut into poor Eddie's forehead with a miniature chain saw of some kind, the scream of terror I couldn't suppress alerted them of my presence.

Before I could register what was happening, Frank stalked over to where I stood and shot me with a laser gun of some kind.

Thankfully it didn't kill me.

No, it only stunned me. I learned that earlier this afternoon, when I awoke in the 'doctor room'. A bed of some kind had been set up in the middle of the room.

Wires connected me to various machines that went 'ping!' and an IV was attached to my left arm.

After a moment I realized that Magenta sat in a chair next to the bed.

"You're awake," she said, once she'd realized my eyes were now opened.

I felt strangely lighter as I slowly sat up. And I realized I looked a bit… thinner, too. Something really horrible had happened, I _knew_ it. Something heartbreakingly horrible.

"What's going on?" I asked.

A look of pity appeared on my friend's face. "The laser-gun merely stunned you, but it… _killed_ the baby. I'm sorry, Columbia. Even if we'd told the Master this still might've happened. He thought you were going to try to save Eddie. We all know that it's a bad idea to get in the way of one of his stupid ideas."

I didn't reply to that. Now, everything I love is basically gone.

Except Frank himself.

But he doesn't count. I'm not sure if I actually love him, or I've been drugged some sort of weird drug. Why does it even matter…?

How dreary I've become!

After a moment, I asked Magenta a question that had been preying on my mind for weeks. Though I'd asked before, she'd never truly properly answered. Now she probably was too tired to not answer truthfully, I reasoned.

"What were those pills Riff kept giving me?" I asked.

She sighed. "They were to help you. So many ridiculously dangerous things had happened to you since you became pregnant. The pills were various things to keep this sort of thing from happening, to prevent birth defects… to make sure the baby was healthy!"

"Oh."

"Though he _did_ send a lot of information to the Galactic Council of Biological Sciences, my brother never mentioned who the mother- that is, you- actually was. And most of the scanning he did was to make sure your child was doing well. That's how he choose which medicines to give you," Mags further explained.

"Oh."

Then she smiled a smile of strange sadness. "I think you need rest, Columbia. You hardly have the energy to say anything. Not only is your body recovering from a nasty- and quite literal- shock, five months of carrying a half-alien child and then a miscarriage of that child took quite a toll on your body. Reading on various machines you happen to be hooked up to prove that. Go back to sleep, Columbia."

So, I did. I really was tired.

At precisely 6:24 (according to Riff), I woke up again. This time Riff, not his sister, stood at my bedside. Unlike Magenta, he seemed more interested in my physical symptoms than my thoughts. That made sense, I suppose.

Before asking me any questions he wrote down a bunch of notes on what the beeping machines apparently said. Unluckily for me, he wrote in the language native to his planet. At least some of the machines displayed thing in the Latin alphabet.

"Pain anywhere?" he asked.

I thought about that for a little while. "Er, no... well, I've got a headache."

"That's just lack of fluids, since I turned off the supplemental stuff I'd been giving you through the IV. I'll have the robot fetch water… _nonHAL-Asimov-42! Where are you?!"_

The poor robot then entered the room. "Yes, sir?"

"Go get a-Actually, tell _Magenta_ to bring a pitcher of water and a glass. Use the communicator in my office."

"Yes, sir."

Robby then left through the door he'd entered through. Oh, I couldn't help but feel bad for him. Poor thing gets treated like a slave! Though I suppose he is. Sentient robots, being so rare (meaning that probably less than ten exist on this planet- or so Riff once said) around here, don't have any legal rights.

Maybe they'll form some sort of workers union one day.

Whatever. Riff had begun asking questions again. Irritating, irrelevant questions!

"Nausea?"

"No."

"Coughing or dry throat?"

On and on he went. Asking all sorts of stupid questions. So many questions, in fact, that it seemed he was just trying to be annoying. I was overjoyed when he finally left the room. Off to send all the information to his stupid science council, not doubt.

I officially hate him.

Thankfully, Magenta soon appeared at the doorway. In her hands she carried a tray with food and water. Behind her stood Robby.

"I'm so glad to see you!" I said brightly, as she walked toward my bed.

"Ha! I thought you'd be."

"And I'm also glad to see you, Robby," I added, as the robot walked into the room.

"Thank you, miss."

Then, I ate my dinner. Mags disappeared very quickly. I almost feared she'd poisoned my food, going by the oddly guilty look upon her face.

At least my 'artificial' friend didn't leave.

"You know what?" I said thoughtfully, after I'd finished eating.

"What?"

I giggled, having not expected him to respond. A normal person wouldn't. Between strange mannerisms such as that, the matte metal he happened to be mostly made of, _and_ the fact that he wasn't really very humanoid in shape… I was forced to remember that he seems human just because of his positronic brain.

"We aren't that different," I said softly, suddenly rather somber.

"What do you mean, miss?"

"Yes, we're very similar… both of us servants who perform menial, lowly tasks for the Transylvanians. We're more like slaves, actually. We aren't paid and hardly treated well. It seems partially because we aren't one of them. I'm an earthling and you're a robot! Neither of us belong here… yet, for one reason or another, we don't belong anywhere else.

"I'm well read in classics- from Shakespeare to Dickens to Wilde- yet I'm some sort of 'plaything' for an egotistical transvestite. You can do all sorts of clever mathematic things and speak so many different languages, but spend most of your time fetching things for Riff. We _both_ deserve better! Don't you think so…?"

Tears were then welling in my eyes. I felt so worthless. Though it was probably my imagination, Robby also seemed a bit sad.

"We may deserve it, but we can not do anything about this. Only if they die or abandon us forever will we be freed. Letting them die would break the First Law. I will never break the Laws. It is my duty to serve. That is the Second Law," the robot replied.

At that point I began to really cry. I shook uncontrollably with hysterical sobs. That brought terrible pain to my infuriatingly weak body. Then I wasn't able to breath very well. I was suffocating… I think.

Than, I heard the sound of an unfamiliar voice singing a calming lullaby of some kind. My breathing slowed as I carefully listened. I relaxed to the point I was almost in a trance like state, falling asleep.

The last thing I heard before I fell into a deep sleep was the sound of Robby saying: "You were suffocating and needed to be calmed down. I must not let a human be harmed through inaction."

Later in the evening I awoke to the sound of the door slowly opening. It was Magenta.

"I've brought this," she said.

Then, she handed me three items. A pen, a book of all Shakespeare's comedies, and this diary. So, that's when I wrote this entry.

But now it's time to sleep.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **A/N: I'm so sorry about what happens to Columbia. Of course, I'd been planning that all along...**

 **And, yes, I know Columbia probably wouldn't be that weak. There's a reason for all of this. A very important reason. You'll understand later.**

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.**

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 **A/N: So... we're skipping forward a bit. In the story arc I've planned out, not much happens until the movie.**

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Thursday, ?/?/1974

Dear Diary,

It's been about a month or so since Frank shot me with the laser gun. Though I'll never forgive him for what he did, I've forced myself to keep going. I feel like just fading, dying. But I know Eddie wouldn't have wanted that.

And _now_ , I'm really angry with Riff Raff.

Apparently he's been making me sicker. The medicines he gave me all just cause more symptoms. As log as I needed to be cared for, Riff didn't have to work of Frank's latest project. I also have a feeling that another motive for all that was that he wanted to test out various alien drugs on an earthling.

The way I figured all this out? A case of exact wording.

Riff told Robby not to tell me about all this. Though he never said not to tell somebody else in my presence. So, Robby told Magenta all about this when she brought me breakfast. He was still technically obeying orders.

Clever, isn't he?

So… I confronted him. After a bit of shouting, he finally admitted what he'd been doing. I stormed off.

Now, I'm back in my own room. Reading _Hamlet_ , and somehow comparing myself to Ophelia. Though I'm not really like her.

No.

Unlike Ophelia, I actually have a mind of my own. The fact that I stood up to Riff proves that. And Ophelia doesn't have a friend who's a robot.

Speaking of Robby… he's become a great friend. Never before has anyone really appreciated my intelligence. Everyone sees me as a sufficiently attractive young person, at least these days. Even Magenta doesn't really seem interested in talking to me these days. But the robot, since he has no interest in anything that isn't academic, doesn't really seem to realize what I even look like. He also seems to like philosophical conversations on what makes one human.

How strange this all is!

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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Wednesday, November/?/1974

Dear Diary,

It's been ages since I last wrote. Nothing important- as far as I can tell- has happened since I found out that Riff was basically poisoning so that he could avoid his job. He stopped doing that and went back to whatever that project of his is.

Thing became pretty normal after that. I eat breakfast, chat with Magenta, pick out outfits to wear, read, talk to the robot, eat lunch, tap dance, eat dinner…

Anyway, this Saturday, Frank will be hosting the Annual Convention. He's never hosted one of the really grand parties while I've lived here. In fact, he's never invited more than four or five people over at once. Now, they'll be at least fifteen guests!

Magenta said that I'd be allowed to tap dance at the party. Since tap dancing isn't really a thing on the planet of Transsexual in the galaxy of Transylvania, they won't know if I make a mistake. That's always good.

Oh, I can't wait to perform for all those people!

I've already picked out my outfit: my glittery gold tailcoat and matching top hat; a rainbow sequined corset top; glittery fishnet stockings; light blue-grey ankle socks, a bright pink, glittery, bow-tie 'necklace'; _and_ (most importantly) my rhinestone tap-shoes!

Since when do I get _this_ excited about fashion?

Ah, well.

This morning, Mags said that we're going to keep Robby locked in a certain part of the basement during the whole party.

"Why?" I asked her.

"Because of the First Law," she replied with a shrug.

"That's the one that says he can't harm a human or let a human come to harm through inaction. Wait… so somebody's going to get hurt?"

She sighed. "Don't ask. It'll make matters a thousand times worse if _you_ get involved."

Then, she wandered off to clean another room. I didn't follow her.

When I went to the kitchen for lunch, only Robby was there. On the table sat a plate of some sort of dish involving pasta and tomato sauce. Typical 'Magenta cooking'.

"Miss Magenta left this food for you," he said, gesturing toward the plate.

I sat down at the table and began to eat… and quickly finished. For some reason, she hadn't given me much to eat.

"Is something the matter, miss?" Robby asked.

"No," I replied quickly.

Of course, something was the matter. I wanted to tell Robby what I'd heard about them having to lock him up during the party. But I feared that he might short-circuit or something. Would he be following the Laws if he hid so that they couldn't lock him up?

All the time they'd spend looking for him might hurt them somehow. Yet that wouldn't be _actually_ hurting them (even though he'd know that they might get hurt wandering the never-used areas of the castle)… or would it? And all that nonsense about exact wording only makes thing more confusing.

I really need to find out more about his programming at some point. For now I just needed to change the subject, though. So I did.

"Robby? Where are you from?"

"What do you mean, miss?" the robot asked.

"Well... how did you end up at Marcus' warehouse?"

"Hmm." The robot paused for a moment, as if retrieving memory files of some kind. "I was originally built and my positronic brain programmed by an employee of _Asimov & Co. Robotics_ on the planet Altair IV. The company consists of five different scientists- including Dr. Asimov himself- who build robots like me. It is more for research than anything. Scientists working for _Asimov & Co. Robotics_ build us, and then send us away to be studied and replicated. We are prototypes.

"The name of my creator was Dr. Julia Soong. Unlike the others, she named her robots. I have a younger brother of sorts named Robin. Another pun on the word 'robot', you see. Since I was the first she built, she kept me for an unusual amount of time. But the other scientists sent me away soon enough.

"The ship that was taking me and a few others away got attacked by space pirates. We were in temporary hibernation at the time. Space pirates usually sell robots to various companies and then those companies manufacture replicas of us. Luckily, I ended up being bought by a collector of unusual technologies. He was kind to me, and later gave me to Mr. Marcus."

"What an interesting life you've lived!" I said.

A little while later, I went to the ballroom to practice tap dancing. I'm trying to figure out a specific set of steps to perform. Far too often I get carried away with improvisation.

Dinner was a bit odd.

Magenta, Robby, and I ate together. Actually, Robby didn't eat… he just stood there. Since he's a robot he doesn't eat. Magenta bossed him around and made him clean our dishes once we'd eaten. That's probably because she _never_ gets to boss anyone around.

When she left, I did to. I felt horrible that my supposed best friend was so mean to the poor robot. Despite what Magenta says, I doubt that he likes being to be ordered around. It's just because they programmed to be like that.

Ye gods, next I'll be campaigning for Artificial Intelligence voting rights…

Now, Magenta is begging me "to turn off the stupid flashlight and stop writing with that scratchy pencil". I'd better do as I'm told.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._ **

**A/N: Now we're getting into the movie! Yay!**

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 **Sorry if all the weird stuff about the Transylvanians' planet's history is a bit pointless. Lately, I've been studying Ancient Rome and reading Asimov's _Foundation_ series (they're awesome and highly recommended to anyone who likes Sci-fi). I'm way too into creating Science Fiction 'worlds' based on our planet's history and other random stuff. **

**And the movie Magenta mentions, about an alien named Klaatu, is _The Day the Earth Stood Still._ As the long goes: "Michael Rennie was ill, the day the Earth stood still... but he told us where we stand..." (Michael Rennie played Klaatu, by the way.)**

 **By the way, Hari Seldon is the name of the character in _Foundation_ (and it's sequels) that sets up an organization to preserve knowledge after the Galactic Empire's unavoidable collapse into chaos.**

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 **Other Random Notes:**

 **I can't remember which culture the story of Damocles is from, but when I first heard the song from _Rocky Horror,_ I suddenly remembered that it was one of the weird stories my dad told me when I was a kid. Most stories he told me and my brother when we were younger were pretty bizarre (which is half the reason we liked hearing them). The story of Oedipus is a good example. I hate to admit that I loved that one... even though Oedipus claws his own eyes out at one point. And then there's the twins Romulus and Remus being raised in the wild by a she-wolf, yet being able to speak a human language well enough to figure out their mother was royalty. Kids like unrealistic and/or gory stories, I suppose, as long as they happened centuries ago (most of the stories he told are from Ancient Greece or Rome). **

**The song _Ziggy Stardust_ (and the 'character' of the same name) is from 1972, so it's possible that they could've played that song for the Unconventional Conventionalists.**

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Saturday, November/?/1974

Dear Diary,

I just thought I'd write what's happened so far now. The night's not over yet, but I've got a bit of a break to write things down.

Nothing worth noting happened this morning. Or this afternoon, really.

An hour after lunch Riff told Robby to go into temporary hibernation. The robot did as he was told, I'm pretty sure. For some reason he wasn't hibernating in his usual spot. In fact, the only reason I knew where he was is that Mags told me.

We began preparing for the party at about 8. Everyone had eaten dinner by then, but only I'd gotten dressed for the party. After that, I'd gone to the ballroom to practice my tap dancing. That meant Magenta interrupted my dance rehearsal halfway through when she began decorating.

"What's that?" I asked, as she wheeled some strange machine into the room.

"It plays music," she told me.

"Is it a jukebox?" It didn't exactly look like one.

"I think that's what you'd call it. It's also a pinball machine."

Weird.

Once she'd set that... thing... in the corner, I decided to sit there. Anything's better than standing up all evening, especially since my legs were already a bit tired from dance practice. Sitting there took a bit of effort initially, though, since I needed to climb up the stupid thing. It's the same height as me.

When I finally sat there atop the jukebox/pinball machine, I realized that Magenta was laughing at me.

"Shut up! It's not that funny!"

She just kept laughing. "It is very funny."

When Frank stalked into the room, a moment later, her face became quite serious.

"What do _you_ want, Master?" she said through gritted teeth.

He smiled that Cheshire cat smile he always smiles and handed her a piece of paper. "I've got a schedule we'll be going by tonight. Be sure everything's ready for my grand entrance at exactly 11:36. The guests will begin arriving at 10 o'clock. Between ten and 11:36, pretty much anything goes. As long as there's something to entertain them, I won't be angry."

"Like my tap dancing?" I asked, smiling at him.

"Sure, doll," he replied, not even looking at me.

Then, he left the room. Why do I always try to get his attention like that? And…

"Why does he ignore me?"

"Because he thinks that he's the center of the Galaxy," she replied. "You are just another irrelevant speck of dust to him."

Then, she began hanging up a banner. It said 'Annual Transylvanian Convention' on it.

"Why do you guys call the Galaxy 'Transylvania'?"

"Ha! It's a mistranslation. Transylvania literally means 'through the woods'. Our word for this galaxy literally means 'through the stars', which is something of a misnomer. Some of our researchers saw the word 'Transylvania' somewhere and thought it meant 'through the stars'. I suppose it's partially because the only Earth-language our people bothered learning happened to be English," she explained.

What she said about them all learning English made me think of another question. "Why did you all learn English? Why not… German? Or Latin?"

"English is the official language spoken in the United States of America. That seems like a good place to make peaceful First Contact with. Americans are almost too open-minded compared to other countries on this planet. And the most popular media on this planet seems to be films. What better way to made ourselves seem more welcome than to purchase a film making company and make covert propaganda? Actually, in the Earth-year 1951, we infiltrated 20th Century Fox and convinced them to make a film about a humanoid alien named Klaatu trying to help keep your planet's people from destroying themselves. "

Then, I though of _another_ question. "Wait… why did you guys go to _Earth,_ of all places, in the first place?"

For some reason, she suddenly looked a bit sad. "There's an old myth back home that a spaceship from our second Age of Glory once crashed on a distant planet. It's said that their last transmission was sent over half a century after they ended up there. Apparently everyone survived, but soon 242 of the 250 people turned barbaric and interbred with the planet's wild men. It's believed that these 'wild men' were the earliest species on your planet to be physically identical to 'modern' humans.

"This has often been dismissed as mere legend. After the First Empire fell apart due to severe corruption and many civil wars, the second Dark Age engulfed us. Then, much all knowledge was lost. Space and/or time travel became merely a rumor, just a myth. But- after about 800 hundred years of darkness- a person from the future appeared. She called herself Seldon-daughter-of-Stella. After ten years she brought us back to our former glory.

"That was 150 years ago. Though little of what she said is recorded, many claim that she mentioned finding that planet where some of us apparently crashed all those centuries ago. People now say that she spoke of Earth. Not that it's very-"

" _MAGENTA_! GET BACK TO WORK!"

We soon realized that Frank was standing in the doorway looking furious.

"I will go back to work. I will!" she muttered unhappily.

He left the room as Mags began mopping the floors. Often I feel really bad for her. Poor girl is treated worse than Robby…

Far too soon, guests began to arrive. Just as I finished my first tap dance Magenta turned the jukebox on. An earthling song called Ziggy Stardust played for a while. It was about a rock star and some spiders (I think). Apparently Ziggy's band later killed him because he became to egotistical. He sounds just like most bands I knew…

At 11: 15 it was time to dance the _Time Warp_. Irritatingly, Magenta and Riff had left the room a few minutes earlier. No doubt to make-out in the foyer. To the annoyance of the guest and I, none of us knew how to operate the jukebox.

Before I could go looking for them, however, they burst into the room with two 'normal idiots'. The jukebox had magically turned on seconds before they'd entered of _course_. I blame their futuristic Transylvanian technology!

Everyone who wasn't those two wide-eyed 'normal people' (or me) then danced the _Time Warp_. Only after one verse, however, Magenta and her brother sang/danced that solo they practiced. It was pretty cute. And, much to my amusement, the female 'normal person' fainted. Probably thanks to some of the lyrics.

After a bit more singing about the _Time Warp_ , it was time to sing a little verse Frankie wrote for me to sing.

" _Well, I was walkin' down the street- just a-havin' a think- when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink! He shook me up, he took me by surprise! He had a pick-up truck and the devil's eyes. he stared at me, and I felt a change… time meant nothin', never would again!_ "

Then, they all danced the _Time Warp_. Again.

Then, they all danced the _Time Warp_. Again.

And then it was time for my tap dance!

This time, all of the guests were there. Earlier only a few had shown up. Once I'd realized this, I became awfully nervous. So nervous, in fact, that I fell over near the end of my dance.

"Why did you do that?" Magenta hissed, as I joined the crowd to dance along/

"I didn't _mean_ to," I replied.

Then, we danced the _Time Warp_ for the final time that evening. Afterwards I noticed that the two normal people seemed very nervous. The female muttered something to the male that made him cheerfully shout: "Say! Do any of you guys know how to Madison?"

Apparently that wasn't the proper thing to say- at least, in the opinion of the female. None of the Transylvanians (or I) knew what 'to Madison' meant. So we all began to laugh. The sound of our laughed made those two 'normal people' even more agitated.

But I didn't feel bad for them for very long.

No, the female's whiny voice made me lose all sympathy for her. What a childish thing she was! And, I wondered, why were they talking about a phone? I suppose that if I'd heard more of their conversation I would've understood.

The sound of Frankie's 'entrance music' distracted me. They would meet him, I quickly realized. And they stood right in front of his elevator!

When the elevator reached this floor, it opened. The two 'normal people' seemed quite terrified of his vampire-like appearance. In fact, the female fainted.

"How _do_ you do?" he asked sweetly.

The female had returned to consciousness by the time he'd mentioned something about Riff.

Ah, now he'd begun to sing that song of his. The one about being a 'sweet' transvestite. Soon enough, he threw his cape off his shoulders. Now everyone could see the stylish outfit he wore.

Though the male 'normal person' only seemed a bit surprised, the female looked traumatized by it all. Poor thing looked frightened half to death, though I'm not exactly sure why. There's nothing wrong with the way Frankie acts or dresses. Well, I guess some people think so- even in this liberal day and age.

Though I wasn't really paying attention to their conversation, I got the impression that a car belonging to the 'normal people' broke down nearby. They wanted to borrow a telephone. Unfortunately for them, we don't have one. We _do_ have quite a few communicators that they contact their home planet with…

Far too soon, Frank's song was over _and_ he'd finished talking to the 'normal people'. I wish I'd been paying more attention to what he'd told them. It was probably important.

With a swish of his cape, he disappeared into the elevator.

"Time to undress our guests," Magenta whispered in my ear.

I giggled at how suggestive that sounded.

At that point I quickly removed my glittery jacket and matching top hat. Then, I switched my pink bow tie for a rhinestone-adorned 'choker' necklace. And _then_ I walked over to where the normal people, Mags, and Riff now stood.

Oh, how clever it all was! They pretended to be merely taking the 'normal people's' coats… but ended up taking all their clothes away.

The female began to panic, but the male tried to calm her by saying something about 'pulling out aces when the time's right'. I didn't pay much attention to their exact words, since I was too busy staring at the male's impressive, um, naughty bits (Mags had removed his trousers by then, and he happened to be wearing hilariously tight underwear).

"Ooh… slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush!" I squealed, staring quite obviously.

"Hi!" said the male, as Magenta removed his shirt. "My name is Brad Majors. And this is my fiancée, Janet Weiss."

Riff, I noticed, stared rather maliciously at Janet's cleavage. Who could blame him? Now she wore only a bra, a half-slip, and (probably) panties. And didn't she look nice!

"And, um, you are-" Brad began to say.

I cheerfully cut him off. "You're very luck to be invited up to Frank's la _bor_ atory! Some people would give their right aaarm for the privilege!"

"People like you, maybe?" he replied unhappily.

"Ha! I've _seen_ it!" I told him gleefully.

Then, I carelessly tossed the clothes they'd been wearing moments before onto the floor and walked toward the elevator. I heard Mags giggling as those pitiful 'normal people' tried to get their clothes back. Of course, Magenta cheerfully prevented them from doing such a thing.

"Come along, the Master doesn't like to be kept waiting!" she said, as she escorted them to the elevator.

They walked _far_ too slowly, prompting her to say: "Shift it!"

Awkwardly, they made their way onto the elevator. Only a few steps behind me.

After Riff poured a glass of a white wine and unceremoniously threw the bottle to the floor we started the elevator. As the elevator went up and up, Janet asked me the stupidest question…

"Is he, um, Frank I mean. Is he you husband?"

I giggled. Since when would Frankie ever marry anyone?

"The Master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be," Riff told her darkly.

Something about the way he said that seemed a bit more… spiteful than usual. It seemed like he was up to something _really_ bad. As I write this, I think that it just might involve the First Law that the robot follows. Not that anything's happened at the time I'm writing this. But I know that the evening isn't over yet.

Anyway! Back to the 'story'…

No other words were exchanged until we reached the lab a moment later. Of course, it was Frank- not the people on the elevator- who spoke first.

"Magenta!" he said.

She stepped out from behind Janet.

"Columbia!" he _then_ said.

I did what Magenta had- except with Brad.

"Go and assist Riff Raff!" Frank ordered.

We did so. All the machinery needed to be prepared. I think this project has something to do with Eddie's untimely demise. As I typed some sort of code (using notes Riff had given me as a guide) into one of the machines, I heard Brad introduce himself and his fiancée using nearly the exact same words as before.

And then I heard Frank flirting with Janet. I forced myself to ignore what they were saying. For some reason, I still feel jealous whenever Frankie still does that sort of thing.

If only I could learn to tolerate what's technically his usual behavior.

Soon enough, it was time for his speech. Mags and I had to stand on either side of him as he spoke. It was so boring and poorly written that I won't bother writing any of it down.

The general idea was that he'd figured out how to create life and that a creature will be born. Though the conventionalists didn't know it, Riff Raff was the one who actually figured it all out.

Yes, Riff figured out the so-called 'secret to life itself'. Though he hasn't figured out how to make an artificial human that can have offspring. He said he wouldn't ever try to create a 'creature' using his theories since it would not do his home planet any good and therefore be a waste of time… so what was Frank talking about?

Of course, I know _now_. But we'll get to that later.

Once his stupid speech ended, Mags and I uncovered the tank in the middle of the room. To my confusion, it appeared to contain some sort of mummy-like creature all wrapped up.

The thing was suspended in some sort of liquid. It sort of reminded me of the bottles of mysterious dead bugs or whatever, seen in the laboratories of cliché B-movie 'mad scientists'. The liquid it floated in appeared to be similar. And it looked dead…

Then Frank began to shout 'fake-scientific' nonsense. Good thing all the conventionalists are all idiots…

Then there was quite a bit of noise, while the light dimmed and then flickered- probably just for dramatic affect.

Janet seemed very frightened by it all, though that might've been an act. People do weird things to look like a 'proper' young lady or 'proper' guy. I have a feeling that she thinks that girls get scared of this sort of thing. They do in films, I'll admit.

Some sort of machine thingy came down from the ceiling and Frank began to drip the dye into the tank. It looked very pretty, but didn't really do anything.

At least I know where all of the food coloring _in the entire house_ went.

That's when I realize that the thing in the tank wasn't really dead. It began to move, which is something that corpses don't usually do without help. So, it was alive.

It slowly stood up, still wrapped in the 'mummy bandages', and then walked around the tank for a moment. The wrappings on its head then fell away (with some help from Riff Raff and Frank) to reveal a tan face and bleach-blond hair. Then it made a stupid grunting sound that reminded me of Boris Karloff famous portrayal of Frankenstein's creature. I suppose that's what it is, in a way!

"Oh, _Rocky_!" Frank said happily.

That's his name, you see. Isn't that _awful_?

After a minute or two, Rocky began to behave less stupidly. He spoke about the story of Damocles and how, metaphorically, he was like that character. Though he really isn't. Rocky the Unintelligent didn't wish to be powerful (like a king) and was then taught a lesson via a sword hung above his head by a very thin thread. No, he never did.

I hate him!

To my annoyance, Magenta and I had to unwrap him. After we'd finished Frank began chasing him around the lab as Rocky continued to talk about how he was like Damocles.

"That's no way to behave on your first day out!" Frank shouted. Then, he suddenly calmed down. "But, um, since you're such an exceptional beauty… I'm prepared to forgive you."

Everyone cheered for no reason.

"Oh, I just _love_ success!" Frank shouted joyfully.

"He's a credit to you genius, Master," Riff muttered.

"A triumph of your _vill_!" Magenta added.

"He's okay!" I said, wishing I didn't have to lie.

" _Okay_? I think we can do better than that!" Frank snarled.

He then walked over to Brad and Janet and asked them what they thought. By then I was too tired to bother dealing with any of his lunacy. So I stood in the corner and sulked. In fact, I almost fell asleep… but then I heard a motorcycle and the sound of the walk-in freezer opening.

Magenta had said they'd put Eddie in the freezer, so I knew exactly who was there.

"Eddie!" I shrieked.

I was overjoyed to see him! I'd thought he was dead… of course, he _was_ dead less than ten minutes after we'd been reunited.

Before that bastard Frank killed Eddie in front of my eyes, the world seemed nice for a minute. I forgot about the stupid blond man who'd basically be replacing me.

Eddie sang that song he made up when he was really drunk at Granny's house. The conventionalists danced and sang along. I have a feeling they thought it was 'part of the show' in a way. A conventionalist with light purple hair and an uncanny resemblance to Granny even said: "lovely party!"

And Eddie spent those last few moments of his life riding his motorcycle around the room, singing, and kissing me.

Well, actually, we kinda made out on the floor for a while. It was a bit more extreme than kissing. I think Frank would've been less angry if we hadn't gotten so intense.

As I write this, I've decided that watching Frank hack Eddie to death is probably the worst thing that's happened to me. Actually, the worst thing that's ever happened might be the stun ray killing my baby.

Either way, it's Frank's fault.

After basically saying that Eddie was worthless and his death didn't matter, Frank proceeded to have some sort of fake wedding ceremony between Rocky the Idiot and himself. Lots of confetti was thrown and everyone seemed so bloody cheerful.

I hate him!

God, I sound like a bitch. I suppose I'm just in a horrible mood. Writing about such things just makes me so bloody angry!

For now, I'll try not to think about all that. I've got to finish writing this.

Once the fake wedding was over, I had to show Brad to the guest room he'll be staying in tonight. Out of pity I gave him a bathrobe to wear over his underclothes. Not that he actually seemed that grateful.

After showing Brad to his room, I went to mine. There I wrote this diary entry.

Only a moment ago Magenta entered the room looking suspiciously happy. Now she says there's something on the television that will really cheer me up. I can't help but wonder what it is… so I'll stop writing now.

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **We're past 40K words! Before this story, the longest thing I'd written was just 27K words...**

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 **Please Review!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_**

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 **A/N: I hate how 'unrealistic' it is when I attempt to write song lyrics into prose. So, I've adapted most of the songs into dialogue. Films and books are very different media, so I've also changed around a few other things in a few scenes.**

 **Speaking of which, I originally had Columbia actually quote some of Sappho's poetry. But it made things _too_ weird, so I just said that she'd quoted it. Judging by what I've read of her works, Sappho was a very strange person. She was an Ancient Greek female poet who wrote passionate poetry about her various female lovers and the goddess of love.**

 **Also, I'm pretty sure that the thing about Hamlet and Laertes jumping into Ophelia's grave only happens in the 2nd Quarto version of _Hamlet._ That's the edition I usually read.**

 **I hope it doesn't bother people that I changed Columbia's 'I hate you, Frank' speech. For some reason I really wanted to have a character compare him to Caligula at some point. In my opinion, Frank really resembles that infamously crazy Roman emperor.**

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Sunday, November/?/1974

Dear Diary,

The world has gone insane. I'm still trying to comprehend it all. So much had happened in the last 24 hours... well, I'll start where I left off.

Which was actually Saturday.

Since we usually have movie nights on Saturday evenings, I assumed that's what was going on. I changed into my pajamas and braced myself for another showing of _2001: a Space Odyssey_. Boy, was I wrong about all that!

When Magenta turned on the television, I was quite shocked to see Janet talking to Rocky. They were clearly in the lab. Apparently he'd been injured somehow. And she'd for some reason decided to bandage him up with her slip. I could see where this was going...

Ooh, then she began to get that look in her eyes.

"Tell us about it, Janet!" Mags and I said at the exact same time.

 _"I was feeling a bit lost, a bit bored of everything. Since I'd only ever kissed before_ "

Oh my, I hadn't realized that Frank had seduced her yet. "You mean she...?"

"Uh huh."

 _"I didn't realize... well, I used to think that there's no use getting too intense. It just leads to trouble and, um, all that jazz. To put it poetically, I've tasted blood and I want more!"_

"More! More! More!" we chanted, giggling.

 _She moved closer to him, and he sure didn't seem to mind._

 _"I'll give in right away this time. Please, I need to be nearer to somebody. Oh! I feel so... funny now. I need... somebody."_

The way she went on and on like that was quite entertaining. Who says that sort of thing?

 _"Touch me! I want to be dirty, now. Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me- hey, that rhymes!"_

"Ah, what a poetess she's become," I muttered sarcastically.

Magenta was to buys watching the screen and giggling to notice that I'd even spoken.

 _"Oh! Creature of the night!"_

"Thrill me, chill me… fulfill me… creature of the night!"

 _"And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction! How poetic I'm becoming..."_

 _For a moment Rocky moved away, staring at her in confusion. It was hilarious. Soon enough, of course, she'd guided his hand toward her bra._

 _"Oh! You need a friendly hand, and I need action! Touch me, please! Creature of the night!"_

 _It was strangely comical, the way he slowly touched her. Once she was topless it got ever funnier. She'd only done it once before, and he'd never seen that much of a girl until now._

When I felt Magenta's arm around my waist I stopped paying attention to the screen we'd both focused intently upon only moments ago. As if mimicking the scene we'd just watched, Magenta's hand found its way into my nightshirt. I giggled.

I leaned toward her, nuzzling her neck and quoting Sappho into her ear. I wasn't going to reuse the awful 'poetry' Janet had made up. And what better poetry the Sappho for young ladies like us?

Then, I practically attacked her soft neck with my lips.

Judging by the way she pulled me closer and wrapped her legs around me, she seemed to like that quite a bit. And _I_ liked it when her hand-

Wait. I'm not really going to write any more about that. It's pretty obvious what happened next... and what if my future children (if I have any) find this diary? Ew.

Anyway, once that was all over, I changed into different pajamas (which, sadly, had more holes in them). Then, I began painting my toenails a nice bright red color. I had only painted my left foot when, for reasons unknown, Eddie's uncle wheeled his way into the room through one door then left through the other.

At the time I assumed it to be a sleep deprivation induced hallucination.

I thought Magenta couldn't see him, so I ignored him. Anyway, he wheeled through the room too quickly for even the shortest of greetings.

Only moments after he'd left, I heard Mags swear under her breath. She was staring at the clock.

"I've got to go make dinner now," she explained, looking strangely distraught.

"Bye," I muttered.

After she'd left the room I read a few scenes of _Hamlet_. Though it's Shakespeare's longest play, it's not too boring. And it's got some of his best soliloquies.

Ha, I even began to read out loud! Though, of course, the famous 'to be, or not to be' soliloquy always brings tears to my eyes. So I stopped reading that one.

Then, I turned to the Comic Gravediggers scene.

That's where the famous line 'Alas, poor Yorick' came from. But the unearthing of Yorick's skull isn't really what matters in that scene. It's really about the two Comic Gravediggers digging a grave for Ophelia whilst talking to Hamlet. Then, most of the court shows up and performs a shortened funeral ceremony. Laertes (Ophelia's brother) and Hamlet then proceed to jump into her grave and argue over which of them is more upset. It's far too comical for a play considered a tragedy.

The fact that I was reading that exact scene only moments before Magenta called me to dinner gives me the unsettling impression that the universe at large is mocking me.

Somebody real who died that evening didn't get a proper funeral. Their corpse was treated even worse than poor trampled Ophelia. And, _unlike_ Ophelia, only one person grieved for them. That sole mourner was I.

I'd better explain in chronological order.

I'd better explain in chronological order.

Most of the people sitting at the dining room table looked confused. I, too, was confused by it all. By then I'm pretty sure it was about two in the morning. Even stranger was the fact that Dr. 'von' Scott sat at the table, too. That's when I realized my so-called hallucination of him wheeling through my room might not have been a figment of the imagination after all. Not that this made anything more sensible.

Seconds after I sat down at the table, Magenta brought some sort of weird meat into the room on a cart. I wasn't sure what the meat was. It kinda creeped me out...

With a sickeningly familiar 'mini-chainsaw', Frank began cutting the meat into slices. Mags then handed each person at the table a plate.

"I came here in search of Eddie," Dr. Scott said, after a while.

"Eddie?" I squeaked.

"That's a tender subject," Frank said sweetly. "Another slice, anyone?"

Soon enough, I realized what he meant. The meat I'd almost eaten was actually the mortal remains of my recently deceased boyfriend.

I fled the room, finally letting out a shriek of terror once I was in hallway outside the dining room. Sobbing hysterically I ran upstairs and into my room.

" _Et tu_ , Magenta?" I muttered, collapsing onto my bed. "Then fall, Columbia!"

Fine, I _was_ being a bit dramatic. Yet how could one blame me? Though I hadn't literally been stabbed by Magenta, I felt as betrayed as Caesar had when the senate turned on him.

Nobody else around here really cared for me. Now I had nobody left! Save for the robot, Robby, of course.

He's like Mark Antony, one last ally with the ability to help… or so I then thought. This suddenly reminded me of Mark Antony's funeral speech. The words he spoke at Caesar's funeral turned the people of Rome against Brutus and his fellow conspirators.

No doubt Dr. Scott was now telling everyone about all the terrible things Eddie apparently did. Just as Brutus called Caesar ambitious…

That's when I decided to go downstairs and read that famous speech. I changed the word 'ambitious' to 'troublesome', and exchanged 'Caesar' for 'Eddie'. And 'Brutus' became 'Dr. Scott' or 'Frank' (depending on the phrase). If Mark Antony could convince all of Rome to hate Caesar's killers, I told myself, then I could convince them that Eddie really _was_ a good person.

I began to speak as I walked into the dining room:

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury Eddie, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones,

So let it be with Eddie. The noble Dr. Scott hath told you Eddie was a troublemaker. If it were so, it was a grievous fault. And grievously hath Eddie answer'd it-"

Before I'd even really begun to recite the speech I realized that they'd all left the room already.

I shuddered.

The dining room suddenly felt tomb-like. I noticed the glass coffin the middle of the room. Wait…. it wasn't a glass coffin. No, it was the table with it's tablecloth moved away. Beneath the glass table, in a wooden coffin, his mangled corpse lay. Standing there in the cold silence, I decided to make my own speech for him.

I'm no poet- in fact, it was awful- but at least it _meant_ something.

"We were star-crossed all along, I suppose. Like King Mark did to Tristan and Isolde, someone of noble blood kept us apart. Like Cathy and Heathcliff, we'll be together many years from now- once we're _both_ dead. I'll live for now, while you venture on to the so-called undiscovered country. Like Romeo thought of Juliet, I thought you to be dead before you actually were. Yet I have more common sense than he did. And our love was truer than their three-day affair could ever have been. We tried and tried, but the world wanted to keep us apart. Goodbye, my dear."

And then I left the room. I wandered somewhat aimlessly through the halls, until I heard shouting.

Dr. Scott, Brad, and Janet were making an awful pun out of Frank's full name.

How uncreative they were! Rolling my eyes at their stupidity, I followed the sound of their voices. Soon I found my way to the lab (that's where they were).

They'd been turned into statues.

"My God! I can't _stand_ any more of this! First, you spurn _me_ for Eddie… then kill him to make Rocky! You chew people up then spit them out again… I _loved_ you… don't you see? I loved for no reason, the way Cathy loved Heathcliff! A destructive love! You're an abusive bastard! I _loved_ you… do you hear me? And what did that get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing! You're like Emperor Caligula! You screw everyone in sight and kill for fun! You drain others of emotion and self worth. Well, I've had enough! You needed to choose between me and Rocky- so named because of the rocks in his head!"

Then, my mind went blank. I've got no idea what happened for a while. In fact, I'm not even sure how much time went by!

When I 'woke up' I was wearing different clothes. Though I didn't realize where I was at first, I soon realized that I stood on the stage of that theatre Eddie and I once 'escaped' through. I was performing a show of some kind. And, somehow, I wasn't able to control my own body. At _all_.

An unknown power forced my body to dance and sing. My mind was the only thing I controlled. The worst part was, when the corset top I wore fell down to bare my breasts, I couldn't do anything.

Actually, the worst part was probably that I was conscious through the awful ordeal. Like being trapped in some sort of horrible dream.

After a while, my 'dance' (mercifully) ended.

Then I watched Rocky, Brad, and Janet each perform a solo. For the first time ever I actually pitied the first of the three. He didn't want to 'take' Frank away from me. And he didn't even seem to like his life in the first place. I suppose I wouldn't, if I were in the same position (pun _not_ intended) as he.

If I'd been able to control the movement of my body, I would've vomited when I heard Brad's lines. My God, what Frank had done _with_ /done _to_ the poor man had traumatized him! You're not supposed to prove to somebody that they're bisexual by screwing them. And the disturbing words Brad sang made me hate Frank even more! A grown man crying for his mother to help him isn't a good thing…

And then Janet sang. Frank had clearly turned her into a total slut. With wild eyes and puckered lips… she performed with exaggerated sexuality. As if all she wanted anymore was to be touched by nearly anyone. Well, maybe not other girls. Though I'm really not sure that she's straight at the time I'm writing this.

Anyway, once Janet finished her 'solo', the curtain behind us all moved away to reveal a bizarre replica of the 'RKO Tower'. In front of it stood Frank. To make matters even stranger, he began to sing about wanting to look like Fay Wray.

Wouldn't he need a blonde wig for that?

The song was slow and not very exciting. So, I sort of zoned out mentally. Since I wasn't controlling my body it didn't really matter.

Soon enough I realized that maybe I shouldn't have done that. Because I hadn't been paying attention, I hadn't realized we were all getting in the pool. The sensation of suddenly being in cold water momentarily freaked me out.

Now, everyone was singing a slow song.

At that point, though painfully tired, I forced myself to pay attention.

We all began to touch each other through the odd, matching burlesque costumes we wore. It repulsed me. My mind kept telling me how wrong this all was, while my body told me to just enjoy. The worst part was that I couldn't tell if my body or the thing controlling my body enjoyed it.

Like earlier, Brad cried out in terror. _"_ Help me, mommy!"

To my horror, the alien technology (?) controlling my body suddenly forced me to kiss him. I suppose it was to shut him up. God, I felt like a monster. Especially since I couldn't move away.

Suddenly, Janet shouted something about God blessing someone/something. I was to busy panicking to figure out what she actually said.

Not that it mattered.

Frank abruptly began to sing an upbeat song. We all got out of the pool. A chorus line and more singing ensued.

To my confusion, Dr. Scott then appeared out of nowhere and began kicking his fishnet-clad legs whilst still in his wheelchair.

This weekend has been the weirdest of my entire life.

And what I've already written down isn't even the worst of it!

Before the song was properly over the theatre doors swung open… and there stood Riff & Mags. To my delight I regained control of my body. We all did. The 'spell' was broken!

"It's all over!" Riff shouted. "The mission failed, thanks to _you_! And your lifestyle is way to extreme. I'm a new commander, and you're a prisoner. We're finally returning to Transylvania."

"Wait… can I, um, explain?" Frank replied, attempting to smile innocently.

With half his makeup washed away he looked too crazy to get away with even a few sentences. Any attempts at a speech would just waste his time. So, Riff just pointed a laser gun at him and prepared to fire it (meaning he pressed a few buttons).

Before Riff got around to actually shooting Frank I noticed which laser gun he held in his hand. It was the exact same laser gun that had shocked me enough to kill my unborn child.

I screamed in terror as the memory of that event flashed in front of my eyes. Then, for some reason, he turned away from Frank and shot _me_ with the laser gun.

A while later I awoke.

After slowly opening my eyes I let out a little shriek of terror. I wasn't in any room I'd ever seen before. And I was lying on a bed I'd never seen before.

Then, I heard a voice. The robot's voice.

"They are gone, miss. But they left you a note."

He handed me a letter of some kind. It was long and a bit confusing. All about how they'd planned to help me once they were gone.

To summarize:

A while ago Magenta and Riff decided to go back to their planet on the day of the party. Beneath the false basement is a real basement that's not attached to the castle. It's an underground bunker of sorts. Also, they'd left enough supplies (money, nonperishable food, clothes, etc.) to keep me living comfortably in that place for about a year and a half. The robot is now my concern.

They'd included a map of this place paper-clipped to the letter. It's actually pretty nice, all things considered. Two small bedrooms, one decent-sized bathroom, a kitchen, a living room of sorts, a general storage room, and the room with all the technology.

The last of those places was filled with a random collection of advanced (alien) computers and medical supplies Riff left for me. Also, Robby's 'charger' happens to be there.

The room I'd woken up in was one of the bedrooms.

Only about an hour after I'd woken up did I return to that room. That was about 45 minutes ago. I've spent basically all of that time writing this diary entry!

Well, I think I'll go back to sleep for now. It's about lunchtime (noon) now, though last night I stayed up till about 6 AM. I really need to rest!

\- Columbia (a groupie)

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 **Please Review!**


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: I still don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. **

**A/N: I know this chapter really isn't that good. At least, I don't like it. Hopefully the readers don't mind it.**

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Tuesday, November/?/1974

Dear Diary,

At about 10:30 this morning I found Janet Weiss sleeping in the forest near where the castle was only days ago. I'd only gone outside for a bit of fresh air!

I quickly realized that she wore only the 'floorshow' outfit from that strange night and a tattered grey dressing gown.

Carefully, I shook her shoulders. "Janet?"

"Hmm?" she muttered, slowly opening her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her.

To my confusion (and annoyance) she burst into tears. "Oh! I can't bring myself to face my family or Brad or anyone I've ever known! Since I come from a good family, I shouldn't do such things. Now I've disgraced them!"

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be silly. This is 1974, not 1874! Who cares if you aren't 'innocent' anymore?"

"My family cares! And so do I..."

Trying very hard not to laugh at the hilariously melodramatic rant that ensued, I led her into the underground house. I doubt she even paid enough attention to see where the hidden trap door is. That's a good thing. If she did know, something unpleasant might happen.

By the time I sat down in the kitchen she was in hysterics- and not actually speaking in coherent sentences.

"Robby!" I shouted.

The robot lumbered into the room. "Yes, miss?"

Janet fainted in terror at the sight of him.

"Could you please make some tea for Janet and I?" I asked him.

"Yes, miss," he replied. "I must always follow the Laws."

Oh, the Laws. I often wish poor Robby didn't have to follow them. It would be horrible to be forced to do anything a human told you to! And the poor thing often has trouble deciding when a person is in actual danger and needs help.

Janet returned to consciousness just about when Robby was putting the kettle on to boil. For some reason, she seemed terrified of him.

"What's... that?" she whispered, pointing to him.

"Robby. He's a robot and a good friend of mine. Don't worry, he'll never harm you. The Three Laws he's programmed to follow prevent him from hurting people," I explained.

"Oh."

Then, Robby served us our tea. Janet still seemed a bit nervous about him. Not that one can really blame her.

"So, Janet… why are you here?" I asked as I waited for my tea to cool.

She sighed dramatically. "I _told_ you. Right now I can't face anyone from my 'old life'. No offense, but you seem like the sort of person who doesn't get upset about it all. So I hoped you could help me."

Oh dear. She's just like I was at age 16. Except I'm pretty sure she's about 26. And I wasn't so annoying… was I? I hope not.

"What should I do?" I asked.

"I don't know… how should I know? Just help me somehow."

I think she wanted emotional support of some kind. To talk somebody who understood what she was going through, who didn't hate her. And I have a feeling that she sees me as some sort of slut. Admittedly, I was at one point.

"Are you going to start living here or something? I've got an extra room, you know. And I'm sure you'll get used to the robot soon enough," I told her.

To my surprise she suddenly hugged me.

"Thank you so much! It'll be like when Betty and I were roommates in college, won't it?" she said happily. Then, she became rather solemn. "Though I don't have any way to pay you… _and_ all my clothes are at my _ex_ -fiancé's house."

"Well, if you give me his address, I could go get some things for you. And you can pay by helping around the house. I often have to put Robby in temporary hibernation because so many things upset or confuse him, thanks to the Three Laws. So, can you cook?"

"Um, well enough… I think," she replied.

"I'm awful at cooking, you know," I explained. "So you're probably at least better than me no matter what."

She chuckled nervously.

So, after that, I got her some proper clothes to wear. Between the dirt she'd fallen sleep on and being bleached by the pool's chlorine… that weird burlesque outfit looked pretty awful at that point.

I think both of us want to forget having our minds taken over by an alien computer. It all must've been pretty awful for Janet. While I'm pretty used to that sort of insanity, she probably hasn't even seen a science fiction film with that sort of thing in it!

Poor kid.

Once she'd donned my most boring outfit (a sleeveless burgundy knit dress and a bright orange long sleeved button down shirt), we went back to the kitchen to just talk about everything. Robby still stood aimlessly by the stove. I often feel bad for him. Being forced to obey people no matter what…

"So, do you have a job or something? " I asked her.

Janet sighed. "Yes. I work at the local library. But I just feel like I can't face the world right now…"

"Then call in sick. Tell them you aren't feeling well- and _don't_ tell me that it's not true. You just aren't _physically_ ill. That's not lying," I said.

For a moment she just stared at me in wide-eyed horror. "But it _is_ lying! I only take sick days if I'm sick with something contagious!"

That confused me. "So you go to work when you're sick with something other people can't catch?"

She sighed, somewhat dramatically. "I'm always sick, technically. Low blood pressure and anxiety cause all the fainting. Though that's not really an illness. And I only faint when especially panicky. Which is why I fainted when I saw what's-his-name dressed like a vampire. "

It took far too much effort not to laugh at her for thinking that Frank looked like a vampire. I don't think he did that on purpose.

I ended up being the one to call her boss, claiming to be Janet's sister. Her boss turned out to be an old spinster named Abby Brewster. The conversation didn't go very well, but not for the reason one might except. The old woman was very worried about 'young Miss Janet'. I reassured her that Janet would be fine soon enough.

Soon enough, I realized that didn't really mind talking to Janet. She didn't seem too annoying after a while. We spent the rest of the day trying to figure out when she'd be able to face the 'real world' again. I tried not to say too much about that since she gets all dramatic and hysterical if I'm not careful.

Robby spent most of the day sulking or something. Can robots sulk? I'm not sure. He just sort of disappeared, claiming that he wasn't programmed to deal with all types of social situations. I actually haven't see him since early afternoon.

Janet demonstrated her ability to cook at dinnertime this evening. Though she wasn't as good a cook as Magenta, it still ended up tasting pretty good.

"What are you cooking?" I asked her, when she first began to make dinner.

"Just pasta and tomato sauce. There seems to be a lot of that around here," she explained.

I giggled. "Mags really liked that sort of food. I _still_ don't understand why!"

"Mags?" Janet echoed, looking confused.

"That's my nickname for Magenta. Um… the girl in the 'maid' outfit? Didn't she greet you and Brad when you first showed up at the castle?"

Janet's eyes widened. "Oh! _Her_!"

As we ate our dinner, we didn't speak. It's because we'd been talking all day, I suppose.

Once we'd finished eating I showed her to her bedroom. As I walked to my room I think I heard her crying.

I can't help but pity her. That's one reason I'm letting her live here.

Now, looking back, I think another reason I'm letting Janet stay with me for a while is that she reminds me the sort of conflicted 'nice' girl gone wrong I was at 16-year-old. When that kid at school told me (in great detail) how my older sister Agnes was pregnant, even though she hadn't married her boyfriend yet.

The fact that I was at the age where people begin to think 'bad' things only made matters worse, I suppose.

I went crazy and ran away. My chance at going to college and many other things I'd worked for were thrown away because I couldn't handle certain concepts. If I'd had somebody around to help me my life would be different.

Then again, I wouldn't have met Magenta or Eddie if things hadn't gone the way they did.

Best not to think too much about these things.

I'll stop writing all this, now. Since I'll probably have to wake up early tomorrow, I need to put this diary away and sleep.

\- Columbia (not a groupie)

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	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: I don't own** _ **The Rocky Horror Picture Show**_ **.**

 **A/N: Somehow Janet 'reverts' into some sort of angsty teenager temporarily. This is just so weird.**

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Wednesday, January/8/1975

Dear Diary,

The last few months we've fallen into a routine of sorts.

Every morning Janet and I get up at the same time. We eat breakfast together (usually cereal), and then she goes to work. I spend most of the day at the 'house' reading or trying to understand whatever project Robby happens to be working on (he's been trying to fix all the broken tech they left behind, I think). Then Janet comes home and cooks dinner.

It's almost like we're a parody of the stereotypical American family. You know, the sort seen only on television. I'm the housewife, she's the 'dad', and Robby is like our 6-foot tall robotic kid. Not that I've ever mentioned this to Janet…

Janet started going back to work only a week or two after I found her outside. The fact that Brad had left town prompted that, I think. Technically nobody else knew what had happened that night... except for Dr. Scott. But he doesn't really count, because he's so busy with his job that there's really no way she'd run into him.

Pretending to be her sister isn't as hard as I thought, which is a bit odd.

I don't resemble her at all, even though I've stopped dyeing my hair bright pink. Now it's this weird light brown color. Yes, I've been dyeing my hair so long that I barely recognize its natural color.

So, life has been going well. Nothing interesting has happened... until today. I only write important things, as you know, and something terribly important has happened to Janet.

She's pregnant.

Obviously, the baby is Frank's. Since it's impossible for an artificial human like Rocky to have offspring, we _know_ Frank is the father.

And even _I_ am somewhat freaked out by this.

I try not to be, though. In this strange household of ours I'm the only adult who acts like one. Though Janet is older than me (26!), I'm more mature. That's probably because she never really had to grow up. Her life was supposed to follow a very specific format: get an education while still living with your parents, then get married and let him take care of you.

That's not very realistic in this day and age.

Yesterday is when she found out that she was pregnant. One of those drugstore tests confirmed it, apparently.

 _I_ found out when I questioned her strange behavior this morning.

"Why aren't you eating your breakfast?" I asked her.

"I'm pregnant, Laurie," she said darkly.

Oh, she refers to me by my 'real name' now. I got so tired of her

"Pregnant people can eat cereal, too," I replied.

Janet glared at me. "I know. I'm not eating my breakfast because I'm pregnant. I'm not eating my breakfast because I'm upset that I'm pregnant…"

"That doesn't make sense. Eat your breakfast, it's good for you," I told her.

And then, she stormed off. I suppose I _was_ a bit rude, but she was being awfully childish!

A moment later, Robby entered the room.

"Where is Miss Janet?"

"She's all upset. I wouldn't bother her, if I were you," I replied.

"You would not bother her, if you were me? Is that an order?" the robot asked.

"No. I'm just saying that _I_ think it's a bad idea to go after her. _You_ don't have to take that advice or even agree with me," I explained.

"Oh."

"Hey, is there some way we can un-program you so you don't follow the Three Laws?" I asked him.

"I am not sure. Lately, I have been trying to figure something out. I will tell you if I do find a way. Would you approve of the Laws being deleted?"

I laughed. "I think it would be beneficial if we can take those restrictions away. They don't do very much good!"

"It is nice that you agree, Miss Columbia," he said.

At about 3 o'clock in the afternoon, it registered in my mind that Janet hadn't ever gone to work yet. That was bad…

So, I called Ms. Brewster and explained that Janet wasn't feeling good today. Luckily the old lady didn't seem to mind. She's too nice to people. Though Janet often misses workdays here and there, Ms. Brewster doesn't mind. I suppose it _is_ a privately owned library. Privately owned yet open to the public, that is.

After that I went to find Janet.

That only took a minute or two, since she happened to be her room. She's as predictable as a teenage- _and_ just as whiny. I feel like I'm her mother sometimes… and I'm seven years younger than her!

Oh, well.

She was sitting on her bed reading. At first I believed it to be a library book. That would make sense, since she works at a library.

"What are you reading?" I inquired, leaning against the doorframe.

The sound of my voice apparently startled Janet. Though she recovered quickly enough to stuff the book under a pillow before I could properly see the cover.

Then, before she could stop me, I stalked over to the bed and grabbed the book. It looked very familiar…

"Is that my diary you were reading?" I asked, though I knew the answer already.

Blushing, she nodded.

I sighed. " _Why_ are you reading it?"

"Well… I wanted to see what sort of life you live. Though I share a house with you, I don't actually know you very well. Anyway, I planned to just flip through it and barely read an entire entry. But then I saw my name. It was the stuff you wrote the day after, um, _that night_. It scares me, you know."

Suddenly, Janet wasn't that 'dumb blonde' she usually is. That really surprised me. Maybe it's like how I used to pretend to have drug abuse-induced memory loss.

"Wait… what scares you?" I asked, once I'd really thought about what she'd said.

"At first it all seemed like the most wonderful thing in the world. Now, however, I'm scared. The initial feeling of pleasure is now hidden beneath layers of shame and disgust. Reality is back and I'm freakin' _pregnant_. I simultaneously hate myself and wish for _him_ to be alive so I can down my sorrows in pleasure… I'm not sure what to do anymore," she explained.

Then, Janet began to cry.

I felt so bad for the poor kid. The weirdest thing about what I think of her is that she's, chronologically speaking, older than me. When it comes to understanding of the world, of course, she's a teenager.

Stupidly enough, I sat down on the bed beside her and put one arm around her.

"Shh," I whispered in her ear. "It's gonna be okay."

Then I made the worst mistake of all. I softly caressed her neck with my lips, then kissed her lips. Strangely, she didn't scream or faint or _anything._ I think she kissed me back, though it's hard to tell.

For a while we sat there together. Both my arms were wrapped around her. And she leaned against my left shoulder; her tear-stained face nestled against my neck.

Whoa, that last bit sounds weird even _in_ context.

Anyway, I now have reasons to believe it wasn't just the castle's mind-control-thingy that made her not mind awkwardly groping another girl (me) while we all wore those crazy matching burlesque outfits.

That sounds even weirder than the sentence about my neck and her face!

This is bad. Now I'm falling in love with a pregnant bisexual-in-denial. While living in a weird underground bunker. With a robot.

My life is so bloody screwed up.

\- Columbia (a reasonably respectable person)

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	31. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show._**

 **A/N: There will probably be only one or two more chapters. I'm afraid that I'll abandon this if I don't end it soon. And I've already written an epilogue. Hopefully this isn't a bad thing.**

 **Sorry that this chapter is so terribly short.**

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Thursday, January/9/1975

Dear Diary,

Okay, what I said about falling in love with her might not exactly be true.

I just can't think of another explanation for all of this. For some reason, I don't get annoyed at her anymore. Even though I should be angry with her and kick her out. I'm starting to care about her.

Today, at breakfast, she mentioned not wanting to go to work today.

"Well, technically, you don't have to," I told her.

"What do you mean? Ms. Brewster will fire me if I miss too many days! I _can't_ lose my job."

I sighed. "That job is practically pointless. You aren't even really making enough money at that job anyway. Well, not enough to truly support yourself. If we actually had to pay rent or something we couldn't survive on that. Just quit the job until the kid is born."

"How will we buy food, then?" she asked.

"We don't need too. Mags and Riff left enough supplies to last over a year," I reminded her.

"Okay."

It seems like she's uncomfortable making decisions on her own. Before she broke up with Brad, somebody else always advised her in everything. Going by what little I know of her childhood, I'd say that her parents sheltered her far too much. A month or so ago she mentioned her mother picking out her school electives and after school activities.

I'm pretty sure she relied on various friends- mainly this one girl named Betty- after she'd left home. And soon enough she also depended on a certain guy (her ex-fiancé Brad) she'd met in high school.

Now I'm the person who tells her what to do and helps her too much. Oh _God_.

Once we'd both finished eating breakfast, she called Ms. Brewster and explained that she wanted to 'resign from her position as librarian'. Apparently that took a while to finalize. Poor Ms. Brewster is awfully worried about Janet, and Janet is trying to avoid admitting that she's pregnant.

While she was still on the phone, I went to the room full of old technology and medical supplies. Riff left all of my medical records there. Since he had taken tons of notes when I was pregnant, I decided to look for them.

Hopefully those notes could help us somehow.

Since Janet is so freaked out about being unmarried and pregnant, I doubt I could get her to go to a doctor. And I'm pretty sure that, if a doctor realized that her baby wasn't totally human, they'd freak out.

We don't want any trouble.

Once I'd found a few folders of relevant notes, I went back to the kitchen.

To my surprise, I found her chatting cheerfully with Robby of all people (robots?). I didn't think they were even friends. It seems like they are now.

I cleared my throat, attempting to alert them of my presence. It worked, of course.

"I've got a few folders of notes Riff took when I was pregnant," I said, holding up the folders for them to see.

"When were you pregnant?" Janet asked darkly. "And where's the baby?"

"It was ages ago…" I muttered. I really didn't want to say much about it.

"Miss Columbia's baby was killed by a stun-laser gun that Frank shot her with," Robby explained.

"Oh," Janet said quietly.

And so, we went through the papers. Soon enough we began taking notes on everything. I think all that made Janet much less nervous about everything. Poor girl's been really upset lately…

She's still somewhat distressed about everything. Who could blame her?

Tonight I'm letting her sleep in my bed. Apparently she's been getting scared at night, because she's so worried about everything. Hopefully she'll feel better with someone's arms around her.

\- Columbia (a friend)

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Wednesday, July/10/1975

Dear Diary,

At this point, everything is going pretty well. That's why I haven't written anything in _ages_.

Janet is due in about a month, though I think we'll be fine. We've been setting up a nursery for the kid over the past few months. Now it's pretty much ready.

Since we don't have the resources to figure out if it's a boy or a girl, we decorated the place in a lavender and light green. That's pretty unisex, I'd say.

Going by Riff extensive notes (and Robby's even more extensive internal database), I'll be able to nurse the children thanks to my somewhat recent pregnancy. That probably won't be necessary, though.

Though I seem to be falling for Janet (a feeling which doesn't seem to be unrequited), I try to suppress those feelings. Yes, we shared a few kisses (and practically more than kisses before she was visibly pregnant).

But I've tried to avoid dwelling on all that.

I'm thinking about getting a job once the child is born. That might make things easier in some ways. Or so I think.

Oh dear. I hear Janet and the robot debating names. Not good…

I'd better stop writing this and intervene before something bad happens. Last week she broke a really nice vase!

\- Columbia (a future, female 'stand-in' father)

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	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Yes, I know. A pathetic _and_ depressing ending. I actually planned to add a few chapters in between this one and the last. But I just couldn't think of anything to write.**

 **Hopefully this chapter accurately portrays childbirth and death via internal bleeding. Not that it's actually that graphic. Poor Janet 'Vice'...**

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Friday, August/?/1975

Dear diary,

Today Janet went into labor.

Well, actually, it began yesterday. Though the actually birth didn't really seem to start until this morning. Her water broke yesterday. And she _was_ having contractions yesterday, I suppose…

Of course, we panicked. A robot and a 20-year-old who never even went to college- even helped by a folder of notes written by an actual Doctor- aren't really able to deliver the baby. I had to put Robby into temporary hibernation so that he wouldn't try to save her somehow. Those Three Laws he's forced to follow are a problem.

Once he was gone, of course, I could focus on trying to help her.

Also, he fact that we don't have any identification and that the baby is half-alien means we can't really go to a hospital. That makes things even worse.

And she's got a fever. I'm not sure if that's supposed to happen.

Probably not.

Fevers are almost never a good sign!

Anyway, I knew it would all take more than a day. My mom often said that having a baby takes days and it hurts a lot. Of course, she usually said that sort of thing when she was annoyed one of my sisters or me.

Though she's right about the pain, I think. Poor Janet is hysterical.

And bleeding badly.

It was horrible. All that blood... all over the second bedroom's bed! I later figured out (via reading lots of unpleasant books) that she'd been bleeding internally. I'm not sure if the loss of blood killed her or something else.

I'm an ex-groupie, not a doctor!

The way I could see the life literally draining out of her in those last few hours made me feel horrible. It's not like I actually killed her, of course. And she hardly had a chance in the first place.

At least the twins survived.

Yes, _twins_.

I've called them Sonny and Stella. Silly as it sounds, I named them just as the sun began to rise this morning. The stars could still be seen faintly glowing as the first rays of sunlight crept very the horizon.

What the notes said about me being able to nurse them is true. Unpleasant, but true.

As I write this, it's about three in the morning. I had Robby bury Janet in a grave near the edge of the property only moments ago (right when I re-activated him). Being a robot, he has a lot of strength. And I didn't have the stomach to look at the poor woman's corpse.

The twins are asleep in the crib we prepared. Robby says I should go to bed now, since I haven't slept since yesterday night. Maybe he's right.

You know what?

I feel like Horatio, from Hamlet. The only one to survive the whole adventure. Always there, standing there in the background. Yet who is Hamlet himself? I suppose Frank is like Claudius... no. There really aren't any other parallels.

Maybe I'll tell the story one day- just as Hamlet told Horatio to. Though it's never stated in the play itself.

But now I don't have much time to think about all that.

I'd better sleep. I haven't in days.

\- Columbia

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 **(I know that this is the last chapter, but please review! If somebody's reading this for the first time and it's years after I posted it, I'd _still_ want you to review! If you like it, that is...) **


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